Hello, I've been going through a wild time recently, learning about my mom and dad from my moms side of the family. Turns out moms liked sleeping around but dad never suspected anything. I've always noticed that some major differences between me and my dad, like thick body hair on me and my dad being nearly hairless, I started losing my hair around 24/25 years old and my dad still has a nice piece at 53 years old. I am tall and my father isnt, and just overall face shape and this neat little cleft chin I've chosen to hide under a beard that my dad doesnt have. DNA tests are out, since i now live in Mexico and my dad in the US. My question is... are these obvious signs that my dad, whom i love more than anyone on earth, isnt my biological father? Its a shot in the dark without the DNA test i know, but is this likely?? Or did the drug abuse really make me extra critical about hypothetical ideas i get late at night.
Thank you for your time.

Hi guys, It all started when I came really hard inside a condom (too tight) and a bit of blood came out.
I had gonorrhea, was diagnosed by a family doctor that I need to take ciprodex (500mg) twice daily (before knowing what kind of disease I had). took it for 7days, didn't help my symptoms. came back to him, told him I have yellow discharge he immediately prescribed doxylin 100mg twice daily, it helped with everything, mood discharge and pain in urethritis. I went to a urologist mid-treatment after taking 7 pills to be exact of doxylin. He told me it's not that, I have to take a shot of ceftriaxone (1g) which I did, yesterday it's 26h past that injection time to be exact. I tested positive for gonorrhea only. Every other disease is negative according to tests. I don't have any symptoms as of this moment. My urologist also said that she, the girl had gonorrhea probably in her throat, that's why I got infected I had unprotected oral sex. Even though I was using a condom for the sex as well.
My question is, After all of these treatments and after yesterday's injection. Can I have sex today? Or is it still too risky?
Thanks

Looking for a thrilling and memorable waterpark getaway? Look no further than The Country Place in East Durham. Our waterpark vacation packages in East Durham offer the perfect combination of relaxation and excitement for the whole family. Dive into a world of fun with our expansive waterpark, featuring exhilarating water slides, lazy rivers, wave pools, and splash pads. Enjoy hours of splashing and laughter as you make unforgettable memories with your loved ones. Our vacation packages include comfortable accommodations, delicious meals, and access to all the fantastic amenities and attractions The Country Place has to offer. Whether you're seeking a weekend escape or a week-long adventure, our waterpark vacation packages cater to all your needs. Get ready to experience a thrilling aquatic paradise surrounded by the natural beauty of East Durham. Book your waterpark vacation package today and get ready for a splashtastic getaway at The Country Place.

When I'm asked about my childhood i don't remember anything " childish", i just was quiet calm kid , that can depend on her self in alot of the daily tasks , and disliked asking for help , doesn't play with other kids ,have Friends but didn't like them that much , wishing other kids would just shut up.
very smart and top of my class , bookworm, eats in silence,watch anime and looking for a good character in the anime to take him/her as the role/model guidance i noticed i lack and need, I was like this from as early as i remember till i became 17 !!
Then from 17 till 27 -now- , just a severely depressed and lost , because when i faced failure at young age -13- no one showed me how to accept failure, rather i was scolded like shit and got looked at as a massive disappointment till i lost a good chunk of my mind.
Sorry if I'm just saying random shit , but I'm just trying to figure out why I'm like this , is my childhood the root cause, or I'm just a lazy ass who doesn't want to move Do other INTJs share the same weird childhood where they were never child at all , or is it just me? And if it is , do you think it's the reason why we have been through alot of shit , solitude and hard times accepting failure? did anyone was able to help themselves and how did you do it ? I just need guidance

The expected date of Hajj this year is 26 June 2023 to 1 July 2023.
Hajj is performed over five to six days, from the 8th to the 12th or 13th of Dhul Hijjah, the last month of the Islamic lunar calendar
When did Hajj become an Obligation?
The obligation of Hajj, the annual pilgrimage to Mecca, was established during the lifetime of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in the year 9 AH (After Hijrah). It was during this year that the Prophet received a revelation from Allah instructing Muslims to perform Hajj. The revelation came in the form of a verse from the Quran:
"And [due] to Allah from the people is a pilgrimage to the House - for whoever is able to find thereto a way." (Quran 3:97)
From that moment onwards, Hajj became a religious obligation for all Muslims who have the physical and financial means to undertake the journey. It is considered one of the five pillars of Islam, along with the declaration of faith, prayer, fasting during Ramadan, and giving charity.
The Significance of Hajj in the Life of a Muslim:
Hajj holds immense significance in the life of a Muslim. It is a transformative journey that not only strengthens one's faith but also brings about spiritual growth and self-reflection. Here are a few key reasons why Hajj is considered so important:

1. Fulfillment of Religious Obligation: Hajj is a fundamental religious duty for Muslims. By fulfilling this obligation, believers demonstrate their obedience to Allah and their commitment to practicing Islam in its entirety.
2. Unity of the Muslim Ummah: Hajj serves as a unifying force for the global Muslim community. Muslims from different countries, races, and backgrounds come together in Mecca, dressed in the same attire, performing the same rituals, and reciting the same prayers. This unity showcases the diversity within Islam and reinforces the sense of brotherhood and sisterhood among Muslims.
3. Spiritual Purification and Forgiveness: Hajj provides a unique opportunity for Muslims to seek forgiveness and cleanse their souls. Through the rigorous physical and spiritual acts of worship, pilgrims engage in self-reflection, repentance, and supplication. It is a time to seek forgiveness from Allah and strive for spiritual purification.
4. Commemoration of Prophetic Legacy: Hajj is deeply rooted in the legacy of the Prophets Ibrahim (Abraham) and Muhammad (peace be upon them). It is a commemoration of the trials, sacrifices, and devotion of these prophets and their families. Muslims retrace the footsteps of Prophet Ibrahim, who built the Kaaba, and perform rituals that symbolize his unwavering faith and obedience to Allah.

The Rituals of Hajj
Hajj consists of several rituals that pilgrims perform during their journey. These rituals are deeply symbolic and hold significant spiritual meaning. Some of the key rituals include:
The Ninteen Steps of Hajj At A Glance

1. Preparation and Intention: Before embarking on the Hajj journey, pilgrims make necessary preparations and declare their intention to perform the pilgrimage solely for the sake of Allah.
2. Enter the State of Ihram: Upon reaching the designated boundary known as the Miqat, pilgrims enter the state of Ihram by wearing the prescribed clothing (for men) and observing the necessary restrictions. This state signifies the beginning of the pilgrimage.
3. Tawaf x7: Pilgrims perform Tawaf by circumambulating the Kaaba in the Grand Mosque in Mecca seven times in an anti-clockwise direction. This act symbolizes the unity of Muslims and their devotion to Allah.
4. Safa and Marwa: After Tawaf, pilgrims proceed to the hills of Safa and Marwa and walk or run seven times between them, retracing the steps of Hajar (Hagar), the wife of Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham). This commemorates her search for water for her infant son, Ismail (Ishmael).
5. Clip/Shave Hair (Umrah ends): At this stage, pilgrims complete the Umrah (lesser pilgrimage) by either clipping a small portion of their hair or completely shaving their heads, symbolizing the completion of a major part of the pilgrimage.
6. Resting and Praying: Pilgrims rest, pray, and engage in supplication, seeking spiritual rejuvenation and connection with Allah.
7. Enter the State of Ihram: After resting, pilgrims re-enter the state of Ihram, preparing for the main rites of Hajj.
8. Arrive at Mina: Pilgrims move to Mina, a small town near Mecca, where they spend the day and night in preparation for the following day's events.
9. Day of 'Arafah: On the 9th day of Dhul Hijjah, pilgrims gather on the plain of Arafat. They engage in prayer, supplication, and reflection, seeking forgiveness and spiritual elevation. This day is considered the most important part of Hajj.
10. Muzdalifah (Under the night sky): After sunset, pilgrims move to Muzdalifah, where they spend the night under the open sky. They collect pebbles here for the next ritual.
11. Rami (Stoning of the devil): Pilgrims return to Mina and engage in the ritual of stoning, symbolizing the rejection of evil temptations. They throw pebbles at three pillars representing Satan.
12. Hady: Pilgrims sacrifice an animal, typically a sheep or goat, in remembrance of Prophet Ibrahim's willingness to sacrifice his son as an act of obedience to Allah.
13. Shaving of the Head: Pilgrims shave their heads or trim their hair, marking the completion of the main rituals of Hajj. This act signifies humility and purity.
14. Tawaf al-Ifadha: Pilgrims return to Mecca to perform Tawaf al-Ifadha, another circumambulation of the Kaaba, and offer additional prayers.
15. Saai': Following Tawaf al-Ifadha, pilgrims perform Saai'—walking or running between Safa and Marwa seven times, replicating the actions of Hajar in her search for water.
16. Rami (Stoning of the devil): Returning to Mina, pilgrims engage in the stoning ritual once again, throwing pebbles at the three pillars representing Satan.
17. Spend the Night at Mina: Pilgrims spend another night in Mina, engaged in worship and reflection.
18. Rami (Stoning of the devil): On the 11th and 12th day of Dhul Hijjah, pilgrims stone the three pillars in Mina once more, symbolizing their commitment to resist evil.
19. Farewell Tawaf al-Wida': Before leaving Mecca, pilgrims perform Tawaf al-Wida', the Farewell Tawaf, bidding farewell to the Kaaba and concluding their pilgrimage. It is a final act of devotion and gratitude.

Hajj 2023, the annual pilgrimage to Mecca, holds immense significance in Islam. It is a journey that encapsulates faith, devotion, unity, and self-reflection. Through its rituals, Hajj allows Muslims to deepen their spiritual connection with Allah, seek forgiveness, and renew their commitment to live a righteous life. As millions of pilgrims prepare for this sacred journey, it is a time of great anticipation and spiritual transformation. May Hajj 2023 be a blessed and transformative experience for all those embarking on this remarkable pilgrimage.

Ecclesiastes 10:8,9~"He that diggeth a pit shall fall into it; and whoso breaketh an hedge, a serpent shall bite him. Whoso removeth stones shall be hurt therewith; and he that cleaveth wood shall be endangered thereby.
The old cliche~What goes around will come around is biblical. Solomon taught here in these two verses.
Solomon's book of philosophy is incredible in its range of practical wisdom and warnings, there no book like this one that was even close to the wisdom found herein, for those desires true wisdom.
Digging a pit here is not ordinary work performed in a work situation, but digging a pit to harm, trap, or snare others. Is clear from the context.
Any person that sets out to harm another person without a biblical cause, shall be hurt with the same method he desires to hurt others with. Remember Haman from the book of Esther? There are others in the scriptures, that what they purposed or plan to do to others, the same was done to them.
"whoso breaketh an hedge, a serpent shall bite him"~Breaking an hedge is not working in a proper work situation, where hedges at times need to be broken and destroyed.
Solomon is speaking of laboring to destroy important boundary~be whatever that boundary may be. If one destroys their marriage boundary, then EXPECT harm to YOU to follow! If we violate any rule of commitment of faithfulness, then we should EXPECT others to be unfaithful to us, even IF they owe that to us....what goes around COMES AROUND!
"Whoso removeth stones shall be hurt therewith"~
Again, removing stones is often needed, yet Solomon is speaking of destroying important boundaries that should not be moved. Shall be hurt is God's fitting judgement on such people. God judges sinners IN KIND, or likewise with the same deed, only to them this time.
"he that cleaveth wood shall be endangered thereby"~
One is not just cutting his tree, but into his neighbor's trees. He shall be endanger thereby~or, shall be rewarded in kind, or likewise!
If a person is dishonest in business practices, tehn EXPECT others to be to you in like manner. If you pay less, and charge more, then expect the same to happen to you.
Basically, WHATEVER you do, in the same manner it shall return BACK TO YOU in God's timing, and when it will hurt you the most. The list in so long that you can fill in the blanks.
What goes around, COMES around in God's timing.

I (29F) recently made a friend (27F) at work. For about a month she kept coming around my work space proclaiming to being my BFF. I don't tend to make friends easily, so that took me by surprise.
After a while, I "gave in" and agreed to begin a friendship. However recently she has made some comments that have come across as hurtful.
You see, the big difference between us is she is a white girl from the North and I am a Latina from the South. (USA)
About a week ago she made a comment about being my friend because she was trying to diversify herself. I was very hurt and confronted her about it. She apologized, said it came out wrong and we kept moving forward.
Yesterday, after many failed attempts to hang out outside of work, I finally agreed (and followed through) to head to her house. While at her house (where 5 other white people where present), she decided to ask..
"So where are your people from? Like what is your heritage?"
I am a proud Texan, always have been and make it very obvious, like any true Texan would. My family has been in Texas for 3 generations. So naturally my answer is... Texas.
That was not enough.. I kept getting the same question, worded differently until I said, Mexican.
Idk, if she is too sheltered to understand how hurtful that is or if she really is just being hurtful. Either way, I'm not entirely sure if I want to continue this friendship. I just want a friend that likes me for me, and not because I am the "exotic" friend they get to claim.

in the span of 10 months , what has happened in my life. - got fired from my dream job, got a dui and lost the chance to get a bmw, old car broke down, best friend died and his funeral was on my 21 birthday , addicted to gambling , family dog passes away , abandonment by numerous friends… I can’t take it anymore, it feels like I’m stuck in a deep deep hole of depression. just rotting away in my room, not eating enough, not working out, not drinking water. and I’m so lonely oh so lonely . I have no idea what I did to deserve this. please , if anyone wants to talk about anything my dms are open , desperate for any type of communication with someone at this point ….

I want to leave my family, specifically my mother. I love her more than anything but the way she treats me is just making me go crazy. I am overweight and my mother has never stopped calling me names, its always something like fatty or pig. I suffer from depression and my mom has never taken it seriously, its always the same "youre just spoiled" "other kids have it worse" "how do you think the kids in our home country are feeling" "we feed you, give you a bed and a roof to live under, what more do you want?". Ive tried to talk to my mother about my problems but she never takes them serious and just laughs or starts screaming at me for being spoiled. When i showed my mom my sh scars because i thought she would help me she went around and told all my family members, who ended up making fun of me. I suffer from a binge eating disorder and i know that i could die if i keep going like this, i want to seek Professional help really bad but my mother doesnt let me, she said therapy is not a real thing and it would ruin our family's image. My mother has 8 children, 5 of them are only my half siblings (same mother but different fathers) one of these siblings (m, 34) came to us from our homecountry and lives with us, he doesnt have a job nor does he have money, he takes everything from my mom. He is an alcoholic and drinks several times a day. He hates me. And i hate him. He constantly bullies me by saying things like "youre so god damn ugly" " i hope you die from food Poisoning" "i hope you get cancer and die you fucking bitch" "go kill yourself you mentally ill bitch" and so on. Sometimes when he drinks and sees me his anger towards me overcomes him and he starts beating me. And my mother? She doesnt do anything. There was this one time where he was drunk and started pulling my hair and slapping me and Throwing me on the floor. My mother was sitting right next to us. She didnt do anything. She didnt say anything to him, or asked me if i was okay or not. Afterwards she even told me that it was my fault for teasing him when i was litteraly just walking around the house. This is the reason why i am scared of drunk people, when i see a bottle of vodka, whiskey or any type of alcoholic drink i rethink about the things he has done to me and i get a panic attack. My mother sometimes Tells me things like "go kill yourself" or "i wish you were a boy, youre no use as a girl" when i asked my mother why she's treating me like this she said that its normal and every parent tells that their child. Ive tried alot to make my mother proud but she never acknowleged me. I told her i wanted to study abroad when i'm 18 (i'm 14 now, 15 this year) she told me no because she wants me to take care of her until she dies. You see, my mother isnt the youngest, she's born in 1964 and is now 59 years old. But what has she done for me that was so amazing that i have to throw away my dreams to take care of her? What am i gonna do after she dies? No job. No money. No nothing. My dad on the other hand is the complete opposite. He has never said anything that hurts my feelings and tells me everyday how proud he is of me and that he loves me more than anything in this world. My parents are divorced and they hate eachother more than anything. I really want to live with my dad but my mother doesnt let me. I keep seeing people online saying that your mother is the best human on earth and that you should take care of her anytime. I feel bad for wanting to leave her. Am i in the wrong?
Btw: i'm from germany and english is not my first language so i am very sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

Hey guys! Ive been making stories for a while, but I wanna publish this one and i really need some advice!
I rarely see any representation of lower income and Hispanic characters (as i fit into both those demographics), and i really want this story to make people like me a little more heard. Ive been brainstorming forever, and I came to the idea that i wanted my main character to be a young Mexican woman, the first of her family to go to college. I want to capture the pressure and drama, while also not going too deep for episode.

great start to the day. went offroading a lil bit for the first time, cuz not safe for grills. met an uncle feeding the birds there.. typical 45+ yo haryanvi uncle in his menopause phase lol. he didn't look much happy seeing me there, me taking pictures didn't help "aaj kl k bache sara time phone"
since last month, im one uping my social anxiety. a month back, i was shaking even talking to my family doc, on perma anxiety meds rn
so i talked to him, asked him what he doin, since how long hes been cmin here. he said "saari baatein thodi btate h"
earlier me wouldnt even start talking, tbh i wouldn't even go offroad, tbvvh i wouldnt even go. lol. but this time i replied back "k I'll tell you blah blah" told about animal loving gardening photographing things my dad taught me
he opened up, kept talking himself. birds to afterlife to kingfisher to ramayan to mentioning he notices me everyday.
(i thought his grumpy ahh never noticed me, I did.. i love seeing people's faces... intrigues me.)
then i talked to the owner of the model walk golden ret I mentioned in my first post about cycling i petted him hehehee. the owner was haryanvi gabbar. akhada Jane wale btw, sl yk it was kinda big.
but ive still got a long way to go cuz: a. i wanted to ask a pitbull owner how he got him 1. i love pitbulls; 2. theyre banned in india b. today is world bicycle day, and many ppl were getting their picture taken and I wanted to join but i ran off:/
anyhow talking to the uncle felt real nice, especially that i didn't shake at all, which is a real big deal for me, I used to shake talking to ppl i love too..
gon make a post soon about social anxiety cuz ive read sm cmnts here how "introverted" they are.. when they're actually anxious. like me.

(Feel free to share any stories of people that actually supported you guys in this decision.)
Between fighting my dad on the subject, and random people of the opinion that I should be pumping babies out since the age of 18. I really never realised that despite everything else in our lives, my mom has always supported my decision to not have children.
She raised both my sister and I alone, and at the age of 13 I told her I don't think I ever want children. She didn't discourage or shun this thinking, she simply expressed that for some people this is what they chose and it works for them but there's no shame in changing my decision IF I ever wanted to, but I should not be forced to change for other people.
My sister on the other hand, she's 10 years younger than me, absolutely loves babies. She's never been asked to take care of children but she absolutely loves them, she likes seeing them, she always asks to hold a baby when she sees one at a family gathering. When my sister (12 now) asked me when I'm going to have a baby so she can be an aunt, I explained to her that I have a childfree lifestyle. My mom sat by patiently and let me explain what that meant and when my sister was confused she stepped in and explained in better terms. My sister said one day she wants to have children and she's happy to come see my cats and dogs one day.
My mom never tried to change any of our minds, she respects what we decide for our bodies and provides any information she's learnt from her own experiences. We had a very rocky relationship before I left to go live with my dad, and we've recently reconnected. And it only really hit me now, that she's always been supportive and despite what was going on, never tried to force mindsets onto me. If I'd grown up with just my dad, I think I might've ended up being more conflicted, and might've ended up making a decision I'd hate myself for for the rest of my life
This should be the norm, support for bodily and mental autonomy. Not indoctrinating kids into the idea that if you don't have children you're letting your family or society down. It's crazy to me that people would force it onto others, regardless of mental and financial position or just free will.
Might've come off as a but ranty, but I felt so good to realise someone was actually in my corner for once, even when using didn't know it at the time.

The best friends I(30m) have ever had never tried to see me. Never tried to reach out to me. Never asked how I'm doing or what I'm up to. This is the only kind of friendship I've ever known.The kind where I put energy into a relationship and nobody gives me anything in return, I never ask for anything. The last time I had a real friend I was 16. I vaguely know what friendship feels like, and I've thirsted for it always. Some nights (like tonight) I'm kept up by my rage, filled with anger because I've spent the last 14 years trying to make just one decent friend, yet cant seem to do it like everyone else. I'm frustrated by my own efforts. I join clubs, running teams(I don't even like running), I go to bars sometimes, yet I cant seem to get anyone to remember my name. I have nobody to introduce me to their social circle. I don't have any family to talk to. I don't want pity. I despise pity. I just need actual input here.
I havent spoken in nearly three weeks. I don't know why I speak anymore. I don't know why I ever did speak. Nobody hears me. Nobody's listening. I crave sociality. I watch it happen all around me. There are billions of people on earth, but I can't seem to connect with anyone. I ask people questions, I try to get to know them, I'm always honest, I offer help when others need it, I even make great food. I don't get it. It makes no sense. Why does everyone else get to experience so much joy in front of me, but I can't have even a moment of it for myself? Can anyone understand this rage?
Edit: seperated the rant so that the second paragraph is just me venting.

Hi, so little back story. I've never ever struggled with anxiety, but around march i had my first ever random, huge, panic attack that sent me to the ER. I'm only 16 but i thought i was having a heart attack. they did an EKG, lung scan, CT scan, and blood work. everything came out perfectly fine. my symptoms persisted after that though so i went to the doctor to see if i would be diagnosed with anything and she told me the same thing, severe anxiety. she did blood work regarding my thyroid though just to check, and everything was also completely fine. ever since that one huge panic attack my life has been debilitated from severe health anxiety and all the physical symptoms i have. I've started going to therapy just recently, i've only had two sessions and it's helped a little. i feel okay sometimes but just recently, maybe for like a week or two my symptoms have been even worse. Consistent chest pain/tightness (it feels like someone is sitting on my chest all the time), weird feelings in my left arm, heart palpitations, fast heart rate, dizziness, fatigue, just so much going on. Today was the worst, i feel like i can't take a full breath in and i've been having chest pains on the left and right side, and every time i take a breath in the middle of my chest feels extremely tight. since i've been so worried recently i convinced my dad to get me to see the cardiologist but that won't be for like 3 weeks. i'm sitting here freaking out that i might have heart failure or something really serious. I'm 16 and live a healthy life, and my family doesn't have heart issues. Could this really be all anxiety?

Hello! FTBs based in England (Greater Manchester) and we just completed this week, but won’t be moving in for awhile (currently renting).
On our first visit to the property we noticed a pretty large tree branch growing/resting on a power line in front of the house. The tree sits on the edge of neighbors property, and the power line is theirs too, but it stretches across our yard - with the problematic branch situation hanging right above our drive/near our house.
Any idea who to call in this situation? Would it be a tree removal company or is there a national resource? We’ve looked online but the advice isn’t clear, and to be honest we can’t figure out if it’s an emergency situation or not.
Any help is appreciated :)

Hello the name is Mathew and I’m looking for a young 21+ female who is into older men. If that’s your thing dm me. I’m recently tested and have proof. I’m very respectful as well and will verify if you reach out.

This is the best tl;dr I could make, original reduced by 60%. (I'm a bot)

June 3 - At least 233 people were killed and 900 were injured when two passenger trains collided in India's Odisha state, a government official said on Saturday, making the rail accident the country's deadliest in more than a decade.
Early on Saturday morning, Reuters video footage showed police officials moving bodies covered in white cloths off the railway tracks.
Video footage from Friday showed rescuers climbing up one of the mangled trains to find survivors, while passengers called for help and sobbed next to the wreckage.
Although Chief Secretary Jena and some media reports have suggested a freight train was also involved in the crash, railway authorities have yet to comment on that possibility.
On Friday, hundreds of young people lined up outside a government hospital in Odisha's Soro to donate blood.
According to Indian Railways, its network facilitates the transportation of over 13 million people every day.

Summary Source FAQ Feedback Top keywords: train^#1 Odisha^#2 railway^#3 Friday^#4 state^#5
Post found in /worldnews, /IndianModerate, /Trending_News, /india, /IndiaOpen and /SeenOnNews_longtail.
NOTICE: This thread is for discussing the submission topic. Please do not discuss the concept of the autotldr bot here.

I'm at a total loss now. It has been 3 months since my world fell apart. I have come to the conclusion that my ex is a covert narcissist. We had been together 11 years, were sleeping together until February this year and now he is living in our family home and has moved his new gf in. I worry I am a narcissist all the time.
When I (35, F) first met him (34, M), he love bombed me. He came back to my house one night and didn't leave. He told me he was in love with me not even 2 months in. Proposed after 5 months. Bought myself and my friends presents. I thought I was so lucky, he loved me so much, he put me up on such a pedestal. I used to joke that one day the love bubble for him would pop when he realised I was not perfect like he thought I was. I grew up with an abusive and absent father and my mother died when I was 11. He had a great big family that I was so desperate to be a part of.
I made many mistakes, I didn't trust how much 'he loved me' and at the beginning was still interested in someone else. He told me he would leave me if I didn't go and get some help. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression, amongst other things. I don't remember when it started, but I felt disconnected from him emotionally. I couldn't talk to him and he would often refuse to talk about issues we had. Instead encouraged me constantly to go to therapy, not to talk about our issues, but to deal with my trauma that was 'ruining the relationship'. I sought solace in a friend at work and formed an inappropriate emotional bond with him. I admitted this to my partner, who said he forgave me and we moved past it.
We looked and booked so many places for weddings, but they never eventuated. His mother was horrible to me, called me a gold digger and said I made no contribution to society because I wasn't keeping down a steady job. This caused a massive fall out, where I refused to speak to her or see her. He eventually convinced me that I had to go and make peace with her to calm the situation down and 'this is just what she is like'.
I got pregnant 4 years after we got together. I suffered a very traumatic pregnancy and had horrible pre and post natal depression. Ex did not come to many appointments and I was frequently in hospital. Both my sister and father moved in at different stages when I had a newborn because my partner was working all the time and rarely helped.
His mother and step father gave us a deposit for a house, on the proviso we moved to their suburb. MIL started being nice to me again, I guess because I gave her a grandchild. I had no say in the house chosen, partner and inlaws made the decision together.
Partner decided to leave his place of work and start a new business shortly after. He did not ask me what I thought about it, he and the inlaws decided it was the best thing. I had a 6 month old and post natal depression. We moved into the new house, which we did a little work on. I started wanting to leave him, he was never home or helpful and we would fight constantly. He started criticising me 'as a joke' constantly. I felt like nothing I did was good enough for him. But I was terrified of not having this family we had created or be alone. I did all the admin for his business for 4 years. The problems continued, 2.5 years later I got pregnant again. I felt his total lack on interest in this pregnancy. Again, I was on hospital frequently, towing a 2.5 year old along with me. I was admitted due to horrible pains, my friend took me to the hospital as partner was going to his brothers bachelor party. I had gallstones, but could not be operated on due to being too far along in the pregnancy. He then went overseas for the wedding for 4 days while I stayed home with a high risk pregnancy and toddler.
We fought more, then covid happened. At first it seemed ok. Then he started smoking weed again, listening to podcasts, refusing to get vaccinated, which put our home at jeopardy. He would rant and scream about the lockdowns and the rest of it. Eventually he got the vaccines and now says he is 'vaccine injured.'
After covid, I left him, I couldn't handle it anymore. I then found out I had a brain condition called IIH. We decided to stay together until we knew what was going on. He was completely absent from our lives. I was studying, working, raising two children, both who are neurodivergent. The house fell apart. I couldn't clean anymore. My dogs destroyed the floors, my children and I stayed in our bedrooms. I was horrible depressed and couldn't do anymore than I already was. He saw us for maybe an hour or so every night? Started working more on weekends, smoking more weed and was very aggressive.
Last year in July, I called an end to it. I said I wanted to move into a rental, he said it wasn't fair that he was left with a house that was falling apart. I stayed at the house with the children and he moved to his mums house 5 mins away. We continued to sleep together and do things as a family. We made a deal that I would see a therapist, he would see a therapist and then we would see one together. At the end of it, we would decide whether we would stay together or not. From July to February this year, I made it clear to him that I loved him desperately and wanted to stay together. We continued to have sex, he said he was 'helping me out'. I thought it meant we still had a future. I worked on all the things he asked for. I was much more attentive, physically, emotionally and sexually.
In January his attitude towards me changed dramatically. His parents decided to move to a different state and sell their house. He suddenly started hanging out with a female friend that had been overseas for a long time. I asked him about it and was told 'she is gay and lime a sister to me.' We had agreed to fix the house together and then decide what to do with it. He was living at his parents at this time. He said I should move out to a rental with the boys, he would move back into the house and fix it up. I found a rental and signed the lease the next day. He helped me move everything in. He was oh so nice. Then he stopped talking to me. He stopped seeing the children. Every second weekend he would take them, and they would spend the entire time with his new 'friend as well'.
I have now lost track of what happened in what month because it was so traumatising. But since then he took my elderly dog to the vet, who was still living at out family home, told them that I had abandoned the dog at his home and they should put it down. I found this out when the council called me and told me my dog was at the pound. He told me I should give him the house because I have done nothing to deserve it, and in return he will give me the car. A car that I use everyday to take my kids to school and appointments. This caused massive amounts of friction between us. He would call me unstable, said that he couldn't be around me when I was projecting such negativity. At the same time, he was taking his new 'friend' to all his friends and family events. When I left the family home, I left it in a hurry and in a mess. I hadn't been able to get back to the house to sort it out because I had the kids 24/7. So he took his mum and stepdad there, told them I had destroyed this house and it was all my fault. They hated me again. Cut me off, I wasn't allowed at their house anymore. Told people I was an evil bitch. He and his parents then told everyone their side of the story, and I effectively lost all my (his) extended family.
8 weeks ago, his mum and stepdad left for another state. Shortly before this, he confessed he was in a relationship with his 'friend'. We had recently had a discussion about not inteoducing the childten to any partners for at least 3 months. She spent every weekend with them. I don't know how long this had been going on for. He told me if I didn't give him the house, he would move in with her. 2 weeks after being together, they moved into our family home and 'fell in love'.
He refuses to see his children apart from every second weekend. He pays a certain amount of child support, but not as much as he should be paying. He doesn't come to any appointments for the children and brings his new gf whenever he drops off the children or picks them up. My eldest has been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Ex refuses to give him medication when child is with him.
I am struggling so much with money because I signed a lease, stupidly, on a house that I couldn't really afford, but believed him when he said he would pay part. There are weeks where he earns $4000. We had a fight about him taking the children away and not telling me where. My lawyer told me that wasn't ok, I passed the message onto him. So he took it upon himself to show up at my lawyers office and demand to speak to them. Efforts at legal and mediations have been refused by him. He would vaguely threaten me by saying I would regret it and I had no idea how bad it would get if I did.
I can't catch my breath. I feel like curling up into a ball and not getting up. I worry that I am the narcissist because I would get so angry at him, call him names, was terrible with our finances. I have no strength left to fight anymore. I am hesrt broken, terrified and have no support. I feel like I am on the verge of a total emotional breakdown.
If you have any words of wisdom, any advice, anything that will help, please share with me. Am I a narcissist?
I'm so sorry this is so long.

Did he committed suicide by hanging on the family tree (Game Over) or did he jump off the building? (Death)
Maybe I missed something but I'd love to hear you guys' opinions on this.