You won't believe this, but I swear on my life, it's the truth. I think I'm losing my goddamn mind. I have to... okay, okay, I need to start from the beginning. See, I've been dabbling in lucid dreaming lately. Been having these vivid, messed up nightmares, you see... I just wanted some semblance of control over my mental state, you know?
I felt like therapy wasn't cutting it anymore, I needed something more, so I gotten into this lucid dreaming thing. But the things I've seen, the encounters I've had, they've changed me, man. I've gotta get this out, gotta let the world know about this shit 'cause its importance... it can't be overstated.
So here's the thing, in my lucid dreams, I've been having these bizarre experiences. In the dreams, waking up suspended over an abyss, right? Surrounding me, there's this sterile, white room, bathed in blinding lights, and in the distance, a glass pane. Can't exactly make out what's behind it, and it paints this real surreal scene.
At first, it didn't bother me much. I woke up, had this lingering unease the whole day but shrugged it off. But then the next few times, as I regained lucidity in my dreams, the same scenario would play out. At first, I could do the usual stuff, you know, flying around and the likes, but then the dream would always, without fail, transition into this... this suspension above the abyss.
I'd be strapped in place with ropes or chains, my limbs stretched out toward the cool walls of this clinical, white room. And beneath me, just infinite darkness. It felt like gazing into the maw of oblivion, and it was... it was downright petrifying.
The dread, man. The absolute fucking dread. In particular that glass pane in the distance and the infinite abyss below me, it was eating away at me. I started wondering what was behind the glass, and what, if anything, was at the bottom of that godforsaken hole. Its vast, infinite expanse was just pulling me in, gnawing at my sanity. It's hard to describe, you know? It's not something you can just put into words.
Soon, it became a nightly routine. Almost every single dream ended with me suspended over that abyss, and this paralyzing sense of dread seeping into me, becoming more and more prominent. Eventually, I decided I had to stop, I couldn't go on like this. I spoke to my therapist about it, and they said it might be a manifestation of some negative childhood experiences, and advised me to quit lucid dreaming for the time being. It wasn't doing me any good, they said.
I upped my meds, and tried something else, but no matter what I did, I couldn't shake off the lucidity. It's weird because in the past, becoming lucid required effort, with reality checks, dream journaling, and whatnot. But now, even when I set the intention to not lucid dream, I found myself more lucid than ever, and always, without fail, ended up above the abyss.
At one point, I tried to inspect my body in the dream, and I think I was naked. I noticed something on my arm, like a small needle. I realized it was an IV drip. Something was being pumped into me. I freaked out, man. What the hell was happening? Was I part of some fucked up mind control experiment? Was I being drugged? I couldn't make sense of it all.
Soon after noticing the IV, I saw shadows moving behind the glass pane. There were figures there, watching me. The terror I felt about these figures lurking behind the glass was even more pronounced than the dread induced by the abyss. It was all kinds of messed up, but amidst the fear, I felt this sudden urge to know more.
So I shouted out, "Hey! Who's there? Talk to me, you creepy fucks!"
To my surprise, a voice crackled to life over the speakers. It said, "We've never seen someone maintain lucidity to this extent. Your perceptive abilities are impressively consistent. How did you achieve this?"
"I don't fucking know", I said. "It's not like I want to be here. Is this even real?"
The voice replied, "Yes, this is happening. This is the actual reality, the true nature of reality."
"What the fuck? You say my dreams are reality? You'll have to prove that for me to believe you at all", I said.
"You will see by the consistency of this reality", the voice said. "But first, demonstrate to us that you are indeed lucid enough for us to continue this conversation. It's not something we usually do. It might, however, be a path to conquer the darkness."
And then, like every other time, the dream ended.
I relayed the whole fucked up scenario to my therapist, who, unsurprisingly, suggested it was a fantastical manifestation of my own fears. My subconscious testing boundaries, pushing limits, trying to get under my skin. But when I asked them what to do, they proposed a plan: continue engaging with the dream. Try to spot inconsistencies in its logic. After all, if it is all just a product of my mind, it is bound to falter at some point.
So, armed with my therapist's advice, I geared up for the next encounter. This time I would use reason and logic to disprove the dream for good.
The following night, I found myself in the all-too-familiar white room, suspended over nothingness, the shadowy figures behind the glass pane watching intently. The voice piped up again.
"Do you still question this reality?" it asked.
"Yeah", I said, "I think this is just my dream. You're just a figment of my unconscious mind. This is all nonsensical bullshit, and I'm going to prove you wrong."
"Alright", the voice responded. "You can try to disprove me. But first, would you like to hear what we're doing here? Then, you can judge for yourself."
"Yeah, sure. Whatever. What are you doing here?" I asked, more out of curiosity than anything else.
"We are doing research. Do you know what an ancestor simulation is?"
I felt my eyebrows furrow. "No fucking clue. What is it?"
Then, the voice from the speaker, which now claimed to be a researcher, started to explain.
"An ancestor simulation is essentially a theory, a simulated reality hypothesis", the voice explained. "It suggests that a perceived reality isn't 'real' but instead is running on some advanced computational system capable of artificially simulating an entire universe and consistent reality."
So far, this was all high-grade sci-fi crap, but I played along. "Why the hell would anyone do that?"
"For the purpose of analysis", the voice continued. "Imagine a civilization trying to understand its own past. In your case, your reality is an ancestor simulation of one of many civilizations that have died out because of catastrophic failures in the space-time continuum."
My head was spinning. "Catastrophic failures? What are you talking about?"
The voice said: "Humanity failed. Due to their own ignorance, they destroyed their planet. Climate change, political unrest, the development of superintelligent AI systems used for weaponry, they all fueled the chaos of World War III."
As the voice droned on, I tried to make sense of what was being told. Is this all just some nightmare spawned by my own fears, or could there be some truth to this? And if there was, then what did it mean for me, for us?
The voice added: "Do you know what a macroverse is?"
"Yeah, I've heard of macroverses", I said, "That's like, multiple universes, right?"
"Yes", the voice said. "We exist within a five-dimensional macroverse. The fifth dimension encompasses parallel universes. The concept of an ancestor simulation isn't completely accurate. It's an analogy, borrowed from Darwinian evolution, suggesting our universe is part of a branching system of universes."
I could barely keep up with this gibberish. "A branching system of...?"
"Universes", the voice repeated. "This system churns out various configurations, mutations of universes, one of which eventually became my universe, another one yours. It's as though universes are engaged in a Darwinian competition. The most adaptive ones, primarily those driven by human beings, last the longest. They compete to see which universe can ultimately conquer the darkness, can combat the laws of entropy."
This was just too much. It felt like some wild fever dream, a convoluted mess of sci-fi nonsense. But even so, there was an unnerving quality to the voice that made me want to listen, to understand. If what it said was true... well, I didn't want to think about that. Not yet.
For a bit I was just silent, my mind racing.
"Look", I finally muttered, "It's gonna be pretty damn hard to disprove you when I can't make heads or tails of the shit you're saying. You're telling me that universes depend on the quality of the humans inside them, and that they're evolving, or something? I... I don't get it. It's all just too fucking weird."
At that moment, the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. How the hell was I supposed to logically dismantle something that sounded like the wildest sci-fi bullshit I'd ever heard, something I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around? Did not the complexity of the information indicate that it could not have possibly been just a dream; my own mind could not generate things I could never understand. It was impossible.
And just as I was starting to feel the edges of panic creeping in, the researcher's voice began to fade. My surroundings blurred, morphed, and then... the dream ended.
The next day, I was glued to my damn computer, trying to dig into these concepts the mysterious voice had been throwing around. I was googling my ass off – 'ancestor simulations', 'parallel universes', 'fifth dimension', 'Darwinian evolution of universes', 'universe branching' – all that crazy stuff. And here's the kicker: I found a ton of literature on the topics and, for the most part, it seemed to line up with what the voice had been saying. It seems the voice was speaking the truth; providing me with information I had not known before... indicating that... it could not have been a dream... he was stating the truth... and that was...
So, if I got this right, he was saying that there's a 'macroverse', some sort of branching system like a fucking phylogenetic tree in biological evolution. He seemed to be saying that humans are the apex predator of this macroverse, and that our universe, the one we're living in right now, is one of the failures. He mentioned some catastrophic shit that led to unrest, essentially sparking World War III and wiping us all out.
It all kinda made sense. And that scared the hell out of me.
I tried to get in touch with my therapist, to make sense of all this mind-bending shit, but I couldn't reach 'em. They were probably off on vacation or something, living a blissfully unaware life. So, I figured, fuck it. I'll bring it up in a week when we meet.
And so, I went back to the dreams. Same as always – suspended above the abyss, glass pane, and the all-too-familiar blindingly white room with clinical surfaces. And the same damn voice.
Eventually I said, "I think... I think I might believe you. It doesn't make complete sense to me... but I couldn't have possibly known the stuff you've been talking about. But, I don't get what my role in all this is. Why the hell are you telling me this? Isn't this going to screw with the simulation or something? I asked people online, and they all said it'd be a terrible idea to interfere with the simulation. It would mess with our causal chain and turn the whole experiment to shit. So what gives?"
The researcher's voice came over the speaker again, "Yes, that's a valid concern. But, we're running short on subjects. You're truly an anomaly, we haven't encountered someone quite like you before. Despite adjusting the dosage of the substances we've been administering, you just kept becoming lucid. I decided, perhaps a little unilaterally, to... interfere with the test subject. My hope is that by giving you a briefing, you could play a role in saving humanity, fighting against the darkness, and preserving the macroverse. This could ensure the perseverance of future generations in the succeeding universes."
I was flabbergasted. "What the hell? I'm no hero! I'm just a socially anxious nerd whose main hobbies are gaming and smoking weed. I'm just trying to get by. I don't understand what you're talking about, how the hell am I supposed to save anything?"
He replied, "You have noticed the darkness below you. This darkness is the cause of all suffering in the world. Are you familiar with the concept of theodicy?"
Confused, I retorted, "What the hell? Can you not speak in intellectual mumbo jumbo for a second?"
The researcher explained, "Theodicy is a theological concept that questions why, if God is benevolent, there is suffering in the world. What's your take on that?"
I shrugged, "I don't know, I'm agnostic. But if I were to guess, I think it's because humans have free will. Suffering in the world is due to free will, you know?"
"Wrong", the researcher interrupted. "There is no free will. Your universe's neuroscience has already established this. Psychological studies have proven that humans do not have control over their own actions. The laws of physics concur with this, and philosophy mostly agrees too. So free will can't be the root of suffering."
"Alright, man. I'm not a scientist. But yeah, I think I've heard about these neuroscience experiments. The ones where people's brain waves indicated they had decided to open their hands before they were consciously aware of deciding to do so. So yeah, maybe there's something about unconscious decision-making. But personally, I don't care much. I feel like I have the illusion of free will and that's good enough, so why should it bother me? What's the point?"
"The point is, free will isn't the source of suffering in the world."
"Oh, so this is a philosophical game to you? If free will isn't the source, then God must be evil, is that it?"
"Quite the contrary", he said, "God isn't evil. The source of suffering is the darkness beneath you - what you've been referring to as the 'abyss'."
Startled, I questioned, "How do you know I've been calling it that?"
He spoke with an unnerving confidence, "I can read your mind. With all the tools at my disposal, I can perceive every aspect of your simulated experience. Thus, I know you've been aware of the 'abyss'. It's been speaking to you, hasn't it? Initially, it inspired dread. But now, how does it make you feel?"
Hesitant, I confessed, "I... I don't know. I feel... drawn to it. It's as though it's always been there, long before you began speaking to me."
With a gravity in his voice, he explained, "It's been spreading, much like a cosmic virus. It's consuming the macroverses, fostering political unrest, cultivating ignorance, encouraging indifference towards the problems of the world, toward human suffering. It sows seeds of evil within the hearts of men, inciting chaos, destruction, cruelty, and hatred. All the atrocities throughout history—the crucifixion of Christ, the world wars—they all stem from the abyss."
I was at a loss for words and the dream came to an abrupt end. The exhaustion I felt was immense, as the conversation was too overwhelming to fully comprehend. I felt as though I couldn't take any more of this, and when I look at the real world, it feels as though the abyss had a point. I see constant storms of negativity on social media platforms like Twitter where hate and spite reign supreme. The threats of nuclear war, super-intelligent AI displacing human jobs, and the existential fear, in a world that feels increasingly alien to all of us.
We haven't truly solved any of our problems. With the advent of general AI and the proliferation of weapons that could cause unparalleled mass destruction, the state of our world is precarious. A resurgence of imperialism and authoritarianism, a decline in freedom and democracy, and an onslaught of hatred from all corners - we are being besieged on all sides.
But these issues aren't the fault of any single individual or decision-maker. It is systemic. The very nature of these systems is causing the suffering. The researcher had posited that the abyss was the root cause of this suffering. But perhaps, the abyss is merely a mirror, reflecting what was already there.
When I thought about it, all the tragedies in human history, the atrocities of wars, mass shootings, serial killers - haven't we built a culture that's obsessed with these terrible deeds? True crime and horror, some of the most successful genres out there. Our entertainment media is steeped in violence and negativity. Have we not already succumbed to the darkness? Hadn't the abyss simply revealed what was already in the hearts of humans?
Did humanity truly deserve to persevere? Were we, who have enslaved and harmed countless animals, we who have destroyed the biosphere at large, who have exploited everything around us for personal gain; were we fit to be considered the 'apex predator'? Are we really the saviors of the universe? Would a universe without humans be all that bad, really?
I became less and less engaged with the researcher. His talks, once intriguing, now felt dull and uninspiring. I drifted through my days in a daze, ignoring therapy sessions and the concerned calls from my therapist. My thoughts were consumed by the abyss. At times, I could see a creeping darkness encroach upon the corners of my vision.
People tried to reach out to me, but their words faded into mere mumbles. My real-life contacts dwindled, and I found myself caring less and less about the world around me. Social media, once a platform for connection, was deleted. It had devolved into a cesspool of negativity and relentless bickering - something I no longer had the energy to deal with.
In my dreams, the true reality, I stopped paying attention to the researcher. His words became incoherent mumbles as the abyss came ever closer, almost as if it was embracing me. It seeped into my waking reality, slowly but surely taking over my life.
The burden of humanity's torments is too heavy for me to bear. I cannot resist the grim truth of our existence - the world that is destined to be a hotbed for suffering. It isn't anyone's fault; it is simply the way the world was designed to be. I had to accept the harsh truth that humanity is on a path to its own demise. The project of humanity, it seems, is doomed to fail.
Eventually, in one of my dreams, a siren's wail ripped through the silence, accompanied by flashing red lights that bathed the room in a stark, blood-like glow. The researcher's voice, suddenly urgent, pulled me back into focus.
The researcher spoke one last time: "I'm sorry to say this, but your universe appears to be doomed. It's time for us to part ways."
Suddenly, the shackles that bound my arms and legs were released by some unseen mechanism. I was falling, plunging into the abyss that lay below. I was enveloped by darkness, an unending and eternal void that swallowed all light. No longer did I dream, there was only the darkness — an expanse of infinite obscurity.
Strangely enough, I've found acceptance in my fate. I see it now as my mission to disseminate this knowledge, a burden that is not just my own but one that should be shared collectively. It's our shared destiny, and to all who are willing to listen, I tell them of the abyss, the dark entity that lies beneath us all.
It is the foundation of our reality, the source of all our suffering. My story is a warning, a revelation of the truth that lies behind our existence. Now, all I see is darkness, and my greatest wish is for this truth to spread. Like a virus, it should infect us all, enlighten us all, and unite us all in our shared fate.

You won't believe this, but I swear on my life, it's the truth. I think I'm losing my goddamn mind. I have to... okay, okay, I need to start from the beginning. See, I've been dabbling in lucid dreaming lately. Been having these vivid, messed up nightmares, you see... I just wanted some semblance of control over my mental state, you know?
I felt like therapy wasn't cutting it anymore, I needed something more, so I gotten into this lucid dreaming thing. But the things I've seen, the encounters I've had, they've changed me, man. I've gotta get this out, gotta let the world know about this shit 'cause its importance... it can't be overstated.
So here's the thing, in my lucid dreams, I've been having these bizarre experiences. In the dreams, waking up suspended over an abyss, right? Surrounding me, there's this sterile, white room, bathed in blinding lights, and in the distance, a glass pane. Can't exactly make out what's behind it, and it paints this real surreal scene.
At first, it didn't bother me much. I woke up, had this lingering unease the whole day but shrugged it off. But then the next few times, as I regained lucidity in my dreams, the same scenario would play out. At first, I could do the usual stuff, you know, flying around and the likes, but then the dream would always, without fail, transition into this... this suspension above the abyss.
I'd be strapped in place with ropes or chains, my limbs stretched out toward the cool walls of this clinical, white room. And beneath me, just infinite darkness. It felt like gazing into the maw of oblivion, and it was... it was downright petrifying.
The dread, man. The absolute fucking dread. In particular that glass pane in the distance and the infinite abyss below me, it was eating away at me. I started wondering what was behind the glass, and what, if anything, was at the bottom of that godforsaken hole. Its vast, infinite expanse was just pulling me in, gnawing at my sanity. It's hard to describe, you know? It's not something you can just put into words.
Soon, it became a nightly routine. Almost every single dream ended with me suspended over that abyss, and this paralyzing sense of dread seeping into me, becoming more and more prominent. Eventually, I decided I had to stop, I couldn't go on like this. I spoke to my therapist about it, and they said it might be a manifestation of some negative childhood experiences, and advised me to quit lucid dreaming for the time being. It wasn't doing me any good, they said.
I upped my meds, and tried something else, but no matter what I did, I couldn't shake off the lucidity. It's weird because in the past, becoming lucid required effort, with reality checks, dream journaling, and whatnot. But now, even when I set the intention to not lucid dream, I found myself more lucid than ever, and always, without fail, ended up above the abyss.
At one point, I tried to inspect my body in the dream, and I think I was naked. I noticed something on my arm, like a small needle. I realized it was an IV drip. Something was being pumped into me. I freaked out, man. What the hell was happening? Was I part of some fucked up mind control experiment? Was I being drugged? I couldn't make sense of it all.
Soon after noticing the IV, I saw shadows moving behind the glass pane. There were figures there, watching me. The terror I felt about these figures lurking behind the glass was even more pronounced than the dread induced by the abyss. It was all kinds of messed up, but amidst the fear, I felt this sudden urge to know more.
So I shouted out, "Hey! Who's there? Talk to me, you creepy fucks!"
To my surprise, a voice crackled to life over the speakers. It said, "We've never seen someone maintain lucidity to this extent. Your perceptive abilities are impressively consistent. How did you achieve this?"
"I don't fucking know", I said. "It's not like I want to be here. Is this even real?"
The voice replied, "Yes, this is happening. This is the actual reality, the true nature of reality."
"What the fuck? You say my dreams are reality? You'll have to prove that for me to believe you at all", I said.
"You will see by the consistency of this reality", the voice said. "But first, demonstrate to us that you are indeed lucid enough for us to continue this conversation. It's not something we usually do. It might, however, be a path to conquer the darkness."
And then, like every other time, the dream ended.
I relayed the whole fucked up scenario to my therapist, who, unsurprisingly, suggested it was a fantastical manifestation of my own fears. My subconscious testing boundaries, pushing limits, trying to get under my skin. But when I asked them what to do, they proposed a plan: continue engaging with the dream. Try to spot inconsistencies in its logic. After all, if it is all just a product of my mind, it is bound to falter at some point.
So, armed with my therapist's advice, I geared up for the next encounter. This time I would use reason and logic to disprove the dream for good.
The following night, I found myself in the all-too-familiar white room, suspended over nothingness, the shadowy figures behind the glass pane watching intently. The voice piped up again.
"Do you still question this reality?" it asked.
"Yeah", I said, "I think this is just my dream. You're just a figment of my unconscious mind. This is all nonsensical bullshit, and I'm going to prove you wrong."
"Alright", the voice responded. "You can try to disprove me. But first, would you like to hear what we're doing here? Then, you can judge for yourself."
"Yeah, sure. Whatever. What are you doing here?" I asked, more out of curiosity than anything else.
"We are doing research. Do you know what an ancestor simulation is?"
I felt my eyebrows furrow. "No fucking clue. What is it?"
Then, the voice from the speaker, which now claimed to be a researcher, started to explain.
"An ancestor simulation is essentially a theory, a simulated reality hypothesis", the voice explained. "It suggests that a perceived reality isn't 'real' but instead is running on some advanced computational system capable of artificially simulating an entire universe and consistent reality."
So far, this was all high-grade sci-fi crap, but I played along. "Why the hell would anyone do that?"
"For the purpose of analysis", the voice continued. "Imagine a civilization trying to understand its own past. In your case, your reality is an ancestor simulation of one of many civilizations that have died out because of catastrophic failures in the space-time continuum."
My head was spinning. "Catastrophic failures? What are you talking about?"
The voice said: "Humanity failed. Due to their own ignorance, they destroyed their planet. Climate change, political unrest, the development of superintelligent AI systems used for weaponry, they all fueled the chaos of World War III."
As the voice droned on, I tried to make sense of what was being told. Is this all just some nightmare spawned by my own fears, or could there be some truth to this? And if there was, then what did it mean for me, for us?
The voice added: "Do you know what a macroverse is?"
"Yeah, I've heard of macroverses", I said, "That's like, multiple universes, right?"
"Yes", the voice said. "We exist within a five-dimensional macroverse. The fifth dimension encompasses parallel universes. The concept of an ancestor simulation isn't completely accurate. It's an analogy, borrowed from Darwinian evolution, suggesting our universe is part of a branching system of universes."
I could barely keep up with this gibberish. "A branching system of...?"
"Universes", the voice repeated. "This system churns out various configurations, mutations of universes, one of which eventually became my universe, another one yours. It's as though universes are engaged in a Darwinian competition. The most adaptive ones, primarily those driven by human beings, last the longest. They compete to see which universe can ultimately conquer the darkness, can combat the laws of entropy."
This was just too much. It felt like some wild fever dream, a convoluted mess of sci-fi nonsense. But even so, there was an unnerving quality to the voice that made me want to listen, to understand. If what it said was true... well, I didn't want to think about that. Not yet.
For a bit I was just silent, my mind racing.
"Look", I finally muttered, "It's gonna be pretty damn hard to disprove you when I can't make heads or tails of the shit you're saying. You're telling me that universes depend on the quality of the humans inside them, and that they're evolving, or something? I... I don't get it. It's all just too fucking weird."
At that moment, the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. How the hell was I supposed to logically dismantle something that sounded like the wildest sci-fi bullshit I'd ever heard, something I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around? Did not the complexity of the information indicate that it could not have possibly been just a dream; my own mind could not generate things I could never understand. It was impossible.
And just as I was starting to feel the edges of panic creeping in, the researcher's voice began to fade. My surroundings blurred, morphed, and then... the dream ended.
The next day, I was glued to my damn computer, trying to dig into these concepts the mysterious voice had been throwing around. I was googling my ass off – 'ancestor simulations', 'parallel universes', 'fifth dimension', 'Darwinian evolution of universes', 'universe branching' – all that crazy stuff. And here's the kicker: I found a ton of literature on the topics and, for the most part, it seemed to line up with what the voice had been saying. It seems the voice was speaking the truth; providing me with information I had not known before... indicating that... it could not have been a dream... he was stating the truth... and that was...
So, if I got this right, he was saying that there's a 'macroverse', some sort of branching system like a fucking phylogenetic tree in biological evolution. He seemed to be saying that humans are the apex predator of this macroverse, and that our universe, the one we're living in right now, is one of the failures. He mentioned some catastrophic shit that led to unrest, essentially sparking World War III and wiping us all out.
It all kinda made sense. And that scared the hell out of me.
I tried to get in touch with my therapist, to make sense of all this mind-bending shit, but I couldn't reach 'em. They were probably off on vacation or something, living a blissfully unaware life. So, I figured, fuck it. I'll bring it up in a week when we meet.
And so, I went back to the dreams. Same as always – suspended above the abyss, glass pane, and the all-too-familiar blindingly white room with clinical surfaces. And the same damn voice.
Eventually I said, "I think... I think I might believe you. It doesn't make complete sense to me... but I couldn't have possibly known the stuff you've been talking about. But, I don't get what my role in all this is. Why the hell are you telling me this? Isn't this going to screw with the simulation or something? I asked people online, and they all said it'd be a terrible idea to interfere with the simulation. It would mess with our causal chain and turn the whole experiment to shit. So what gives?"
The researcher's voice came over the speaker again, "Yes, that's a valid concern. But, we're running short on subjects. You're truly an anomaly, we haven't encountered someone quite like you before. Despite adjusting the dosage of the substances we've been administering, you just kept becoming lucid. I decided, perhaps a little unilaterally, to... interfere with the test subject. My hope is that by giving you a briefing, you could play a role in saving humanity, fighting against the darkness, and preserving the macroverse. This could ensure the perseverance of future generations in the succeeding universes."
I was flabbergasted. "What the hell? I'm no hero! I'm just a socially anxious nerd whose main hobbies are gaming and smoking weed. I'm just trying to get by. I don't understand what you're talking about, how the hell am I supposed to save anything?"
He replied, "You have noticed the darkness below you. This darkness is the cause of all suffering in the world. Are you familiar with the concept of theodicy?"
Confused, I retorted, "What the hell? Can you not speak in intellectual mumbo jumbo for a second?"
The researcher explained, "Theodicy is a theological concept that questions why, if God is benevolent, there is suffering in the world. What's your take on that?"
I shrugged, "I don't know, I'm agnostic. But if I were to guess, I think it's because humans have free will. Suffering in the world is due to free will, you know?"
"Wrong", the researcher interrupted. "There is no free will. Your universe's neuroscience has already established this. Psychological studies have proven that humans do not have control over their own actions. The laws of physics concur with this, and philosophy mostly agrees too. So free will can't be the root of suffering."
"Alright, man. I'm not a scientist. But yeah, I think I've heard about these neuroscience experiments. The ones where people's brain waves indicated they had decided to open their hands before they were consciously aware of deciding to do so. So yeah, maybe there's something about unconscious decision-making. But personally, I don't care much. I feel like I have the illusion of free will and that's good enough, so why should it bother me? What's the point?"
"The point is, free will isn't the source of suffering in the world."
"Oh, so this is a philosophical game to you? If free will isn't the source, then God must be evil, is that it?"
"Quite the contrary", he said, "God isn't evil. The source of suffering is the darkness beneath you - what you've been referring to as the 'abyss'."
Startled, I questioned, "How do you know I've been calling it that?"
He spoke with an unnerving confidence, "I can read your mind. With all the tools at my disposal, I can perceive every aspect of your simulated experience. Thus, I know you've been aware of the 'abyss'. It's been speaking to you, hasn't it? Initially, it inspired dread. But now, how does it make you feel?"
Hesitant, I confessed, "I... I don't know. I feel... drawn to it. It's as though it's always been there, long before you began speaking to me."
With a gravity in his voice, he explained, "It's been spreading, much like a cosmic virus. It's consuming the macroverses, fostering political unrest, cultivating ignorance, encouraging indifference towards the problems of the world, toward human suffering. It sows seeds of evil within the hearts of men, inciting chaos, destruction, cruelty, and hatred. All the atrocities throughout history—the crucifixion of Christ, the world wars—they all stem from the abyss."
I was at a loss for words and the dream came to an abrupt end. The exhaustion I felt was immense, as the conversation was too overwhelming to fully comprehend. I felt as though I couldn't take any more of this, and when I look at the real world, it feels as though the abyss had a point. I see constant storms of negativity on social media platforms like Twitter where hate and spite reign supreme. The threats of nuclear war, super-intelligent AI displacing human jobs, and the existential fear, in a world that feels increasingly alien to all of us.
We haven't truly solved any of our problems. With the advent of general AI and the proliferation of weapons that could cause unparalleled mass destruction, the state of our world is precarious. A resurgence of imperialism and authoritarianism, a decline in freedom and democracy, and an onslaught of hatred from all corners - we are being besieged on all sides.
But these issues aren't the fault of any single individual or decision-maker. It is systemic. The very nature of these systems is causing the suffering. The researcher had posited that the abyss was the root cause of this suffering. But perhaps, the abyss is merely a mirror, reflecting what was already there.
When I thought about it, all the tragedies in human history, the atrocities of wars, mass shootings, serial killers - haven't we built a culture that's obsessed with these terrible deeds? True crime and horror, some of the most successful genres out there. Our entertainment media is steeped in violence and negativity. Have we not already succumbed to the darkness? Hadn't the abyss simply revealed what was already in the hearts of humans?
Did humanity truly deserve to persevere? Were we, who have enslaved and harmed countless animals, we who have destroyed the biosphere at large, who have exploited everything around us for personal gain; were we fit to be considered the 'apex predator'? Are we really the saviors of the universe? Would a universe without humans be all that bad, really?
I became less and less engaged with the researcher. His talks, once intriguing, now felt dull and uninspiring. I drifted through my days in a daze, ignoring therapy sessions and the concerned calls from my therapist. My thoughts were consumed by the abyss. At times, I could see a creeping darkness encroach upon the corners of my vision.
People tried to reach out to me, but their words faded into mere mumbles. My real-life contacts dwindled, and I found myself caring less and less about the world around me. Social media, once a platform for connection, was deleted. It had devolved into a cesspool of negativity and relentless bickering - something I no longer had the energy to deal with.
In my dreams, the true reality, I stopped paying attention to the researcher. His words became incoherent mumbles as the abyss came ever closer, almost as if it was embracing me. It seeped into my waking reality, slowly but surely taking over my life.
The burden of humanity's torments is too heavy for me to bear. I cannot resist the grim truth of our existence - the world that is destined to be a hotbed for suffering. It isn't anyone's fault; it is simply the way the world was designed to be. I had to accept the harsh truth that humanity is on a path to its own demise. The project of humanity, it seems, is doomed to fail.
Eventually, in one of my dreams, a siren's wail ripped through the silence, accompanied by flashing red lights that bathed the room in a stark, blood-like glow. The researcher's voice, suddenly urgent, pulled me back into focus.
The researcher spoke one last time: "I'm sorry to say this, but your universe appears to be doomed. It's time for us to part ways."
Suddenly, the shackles that bound my arms and legs were released by some unseen mechanism. I was falling, plunging into the abyss that lay below. I was enveloped by darkness, an unending and eternal void that swallowed all light. No longer did I dream, there was only the darkness — an expanse of infinite obscurity.
Strangely enough, I've found acceptance in my fate. I see it now as my mission to disseminate this knowledge, a burden that is not just my own but one that should be shared collectively. It's our shared destiny, and to all who are willing to listen, I tell them of the abyss, the dark entity that lies beneath us all.
It is the foundation of our reality, the source of all our suffering. My story is a warning, a revelation of the truth that lies behind our existence. Now, all I see is darkness, and my greatest wish is for this truth to spread. Like a virus, it should infect us all, enlighten us all, and unite us all in our shared fate.

First Previous Next
Skeeter had made an error. Not a big one, but one that did have significant downstream effects. He'd assumed that he could visit enough of each planet to give a sort of general feel to each one's character in three or four days, but it was looking more and more like he'd have to extend the stay at Corvian Home for at least a weak. He could scarecely remember being so excited by making a mistake. In most respects, Corvian Home was wildly different from Terra. From its many small islands to its ever turbulent storms, to its mediworld gravity, it was unlike any place found on Terra. It still baffled him that the xenos thought Terran gravity was heavy. The in which it was similar had to do with the wide verity of culture, which made getting a general sense of the place a tad more difficult than planets with a more unified culture.
So, he had to ask Captain Vexkeed to extend the stay, which wasn't cheap. Additionally, it required the refund of any unsatisfied passengers who were on more time-sensitive journeys. However, it turned out that the majority of the passengers had apparently viewed the voyage as a "Sneaky Cruise," which made Skeeter laugh until he couldn't breathe when Captain Vexkeed told him. Likewise, when he told Suzie and Ivan, they found themselves completely overcome by mirth. Kip on the other hand couldn't see the humor in it. This, of course sent all three adults into the throes of hysterical laughter, which only further perplexed the boy.
The inscrutable, to Kip, Terran sense of humor aside, it turned out that apart from paying a fee to extend the journey and maybe five or six refunds, there was very little adjustment in terms of the We Bring Friends from Afar to Joyous Meeting making drastic changes to her manifest. Which was amenable to Skeeter's bank account, and his conscience. In any case, it let him fill out the itinerary with a wide variety of events from the local sporting events, to seeing interesting geological formations or particularly treasured vistas, to attending musical theater, to restaurant hopping in one of the larger cities with a conveniently cosmopolitan makeup. Even better, all of the things toxic to Humans, Doggos, and Lutrae were also toxic to the Corvians, so the risk of accidental poisoning was almost nonexistent.
"We actually discussed this in class last week," Kip was saying as the shuttle shook in the storm winds, "once a group went to a new island, the storms cut them off from the original group, except for the very few traders brave enough to fly in… well, this."
"That so?" Skeeter prompted genially.
"Yeah, for the most part I guess people would just float along with whatever everyone else thought, but I guess that's true for most places. Except, since they were separate and all, they didn't all go along the same currents, and so even islands that are pretty close can be crazy different."
"That, and it is ruining the landing shots," Ivan grumbled as he kept the camera trained on the trio.
"Well, back home rain's a good thing!" Suzie exclaimed exuberantly.
"Rain makes rye," Skeeter rejoined.
"Rye makes whiskey," Suzie laughed.
"You mean industrial disinfectant or emergency stomach purging doses," Kip said flatly.
"How'd you find out about that?" Skeeter asked.
"Greg George mentioned it in his book. He dumped so many doses in a glass that any sane person would think he was trying to poison someone with the fumes."
"Oh, I loved My Side," Suzie said, "It had always bugged me that the Lost Boys never got a fair say."
"Wait, isn't he a hero? He talks like you guys almost worshiped him…"
"It's complicated," Skeeter said, "I served on a ship with one of the Lost Boys once, Stephen the Line. It was hard to not be in awe of him. Hard to remember that behind the deeds was a man just trying to serve like me."
"Oh…"
"Were you discussing more about Corvian Home in the classes?" Ivan asked before the silence could turn cold.
"Oh, sure, lots. Like on this one island there's a big festival where they celebrate the harvest of these huge nuts, and then there's this island where they have 'Imitation plays,' where Corvians try to mimic exactly how the plays sound from other races. Tutor Brixvee showed us a video of one they coppied from the Star Sailors, and it was pretty cool."
"Do you figure she had lessons on Corvian Home since she knew we were headed here?"
"Of course," Kip said with a bitter scowl, "she's full of dirty tricks like that." His hosts couldn't contain their mirth, not that they tried all that hard.
Later that day, the intrepid travelers were in the throes of a local festival. They had surmised that it was probably related to local folklore, as various icons and masks were featured heavily, but the press was so active and exuberant, that not even the Terran implants could keep up, slaved as they were to the Terran compads with better translation matrixes than even the local networks. Therefore, three out of the four friends found themselves swept up in a feathered fury of dance and rough song, to their ears anyway, while the only clue to Ivan's immense pleasure at the experience was his swiftly wagging tail. Which the locals had no idea was the unconcealable tell that his exterior coolness was in fact, a complete sham.
The festivities seemed to show no sign of abating as night fell over the city sheltered in a rough and rocky crown from the storms of the sea, so in order to get a good night's sleep they were obliged to catch a local shuttle ride between islands to find a slightly less festive town to bed down in, and Suzie took the opportunity.
"So I hear Y'all's planet name isn't what anybody calls it," she said impishly to the shuttle pilot.
"INDEED, ahem, indeed. We know that you mammal-peoples, and the reptile-peoples, and the water-peoples, cannot do it."
"Come on, give us an example," Suzie said in that challenging, teasing way that made Skeeter both cringe and love her.
The pilot laughed, or at least Skeeter thought he, or maybe she? At least Skeeter thought that the pilot laughed, whichever sex they were. He had a hard time with regular Terran corvids, let alone these giant bird people that reminded him of the former. Then said piolet of undetermined sex made a weird clicking noise in the depths of the throat and said, "That is the name."
"I can see why y'all think folk can't do that. Hey Skeeter, why don't ya give it a shot?"
"No," he said flatly.
"Aw come on, it's their planet's name, you should at least try," she said with that wry smile she had that made promises. Promises that he had a very difficult time resisting for… reasons.
He then made a right proper fool of himself trying to replicate the sound by clicking his tongue in various ways before giving up and just saying, "I'm stickin' with Corvian Home."
After making a right proper fool of himself, the other passengers obliged to laugh at him, and Suzie turned on Kip saying, "Your turn."
Kip shot her a sullen look.
"Aw, c'mon, you gonna let these folk just laugh at Skeeter all by his lonesome?" she chided.
Kip downright pouted at her.
"Coooome oooooon," she taunted.
Realizing that she wouldn't quit unless he gave in, Kip also made a mockery of himself trying to replicate the throat clicking sound to the delight of all and sundry. "Shut up," he mumbled as he laid his ears back.
"Ivan?" she asked of her final victim.
He clicked his tongue once, and when Suzie gave him a pout he said, "That is as much as I am trying."
"Now you try," Kip shot at her.
"I know my limits, unlike you boys," she laughed to Kip's indignant sputtering.
Meanwhile, Jerry was having a less festive time. Instead of happening to land on an island that happened to be hosting a festival for one reason or another, he had purposely chosen the center of finance for his outing. He'd had a relatively uneventful series of meetings with financiers, entrepreneurs, and shipping guild heads, and various other parties interested in securing access to new markets for their various trades. It was all very productive, and very boring, and not for the first time he felt a stab of regret for the last time that he had interacted with Skeeter.
Even still, it was a satisfying day. There was a lot of troubling mentions of debts though. Jerry was no stranger to the lending industries of various planets of the CIP, and even had some Republican contacts in that realm, those who could stand his needling of the Republic's systems, but nobody he knew ever said anything about "debt masters" or "clan debt." Troubling indeed, but he chalked it up to clunky translation. Even CIP systems could have trouble with new languages, and he just knew that Republican datapads were inferior. They had to be, of course.
Still though, there was something about the references that bothered him. Something furtive behind the eyes of the avian people who spoke of either concept. Then, there was the fact that only those who were obviously startup businesspeople would speak about them, never the financers. Very troubling indeed. He resolved himself to investigate the matter if he could make the time the next day.
The following morning, the intrepid travelers went on the only "heavyworlder safe" zipline tours available on the planet, which just so happened to be in the heavily forested canyons and followed paths through the foliage designed to simulate danger. Skeeter and Kip found it thrilling, but Suzie found it merely pleasant while Ivan was actually bored by the thrilling experience. The man was pleased with getting a shot of kip chanting breathlessly, "Let's go again, let's go again, let's go again, let's go again!" Wile Suzie was more pleased to have sneakily captured a shot of Ivan's unamused expression as he sped along on the pullies.
"Sure, why not?" Suzie had said to Kip.
To which Ivan said, "Because is boring."
"What?!" Kip nearly shouted.
"You take ride in boarding torpedo, and you will be understanding then."
"The real answer to why not is I already booked a nature walk. There's this island where there's like this bowl formation full of flowers. It looks amazin'" Skeeter explained to Kip's dismay.
Meanwhile, Jerry was exhausted. He'd reshuffled the meetings so that he had mere moments between them to prepare, but he was good at his job, so long as his counterpart wasn't a Republican, and could get the proper contact details to the correct people for whatever the other party hoped to accomplish, so long as it was legal, and it all was. It was therefore by mighty effort alone that he had a scant two hours in which to seek out the information he sought before he would have to retire to sleep, or else be completely useless the next day.
He took snagged a gravcar and told the cabbie, "Take me to where you and the lads go for a spot of drink, or whatever the legal intoxicant is around here."
The cabbie gave him a one eyed beady stare and said, "Are you sure, mammal-people? The places we go are not the high class places, by the storms."
"I'm sure, I'm sure. I might not look it these days, but I came up from w working family. My dah still makes fun that I lost my calluses."
The cabbie blinked twice and raised his crest. Jerry had no idea whether that was a good sign or not, but the blue plumed cabbie lowered his crest and blinked again saying, "Sure, mammal-people. I will take you there, but do not cause the fights or my clan will have share of the debt."
Jerry thought about pressing the issue, but something about how the cabbie's feathers had puffed out and still weren't lying flat convinced him that social lubricant was the needed thing. "What is the preferred intoxicant?" he asked.
"We smoke an herb. It usually does not work for mammal-peoples, so you might not have the fun you look for."
"I see, we also have some intoxicants taken this way, do you draw the smoke through water first?"
"Yes, do you mammal-peoples do this too?"
"It's called hookah, and has a long tradition in several of our cultures. Or bongs, which have a somewhat younger tradition, as history is measured."
"Maybe then you will get the happy haze and no fights will be started, mammal-people."
"Maybe, maybe. I'm just after a good banter, and the banker types are too stuffy."
"You are right, you are right, debt masters do not laugh when you joke, they charge you more interest!" the cabbie laughed, and Jerry fell silent.
At the, well, Jerry would call it a hookah lounge, Jerry found that the lads about avoided him and shot him suspicious glances, and also found that apart from a relaxed feeling in his limbs, the smoke had no effect on him. It was a pleasant feeling, and he could maintain it by taking a draw from the hookah every two minutes or so. It seemed that was a prodigious rate of smoking though, for eventually the suspicious glances turned to those of curiosity or even grudging respect. Jerry surmised that despite his rather drab coloring, they knew an expensive suit when they saw one.
Eventually, a clearly intoxicated Corvain stumbled over to his table and sank down on one of the cushions, "Why do you smoke so well, mammal-thing-people?" he slurred.
"I am used to a much stronger herb, and this makes me simply feel good. Does it not feel good for you?"
"'Course it do. Can't smoke as much."
"Wondering anything else?"
"You a Sneaky?"
Jerry thought about correcting the error, but another glance at the state of his conversation partner dispelled the notion, so he said, "Yes, but I am not very stealthy."
"It's just what people call you… dunno why…"
"I'm not botherd, I know the reason and it's funny."
"Funny?"
"Yes, do you know it?"
"Ish a meme."
"The first one of us that the Star Sailors met was mistaken for a pet, and they named him Sneaky."
That, as planned, brought forth uproarious laughter from the intoxicated Corvian who confided, "That's the kinda thing people-things get bristly about."
"I know, people-things get brislty about all sorts of things. Like the bankers, they won't tell me what debt masters are."
"They own clan debts."
"Clan debts?"
"You know, the debts you clan has, from like way back."
"Do you mean to say you were born in debt?"
"Sssssure, isn't everybody? Well, not rich people-things I guess, but ever-peoples I knowed."
"And these debt masters, they merely collect the interest?"
"Mostly."
"Mostly?"
"If you're not… if the job doesn't pay… erm… they so like tell you to do stuff."
"Involuntary servitude," Jerry said coldly.
"Yeah, that. The hatchlings get that rough."
"Explain please," Jerry said with cold intensity.
It seemed that the intensity of Jerry's gaze or maybe the soft quality of a hammer that his voice emulated, gave the Corvian some degree of sobriety as he stammered, "Yes-yes. The erm, the uh or-or-orphanages. The hatchlings there have no parents to provide for them, so the debt masters have them do something useful."
Jerry was very close to becoming a very dangerous man as he asked, "Are the debts of these children for sale?"
"Y-y-y-y-y-yes?"
"Where does one go to buy debts?"
First Previous Next

Adriana Lima 1996 - 2017
presented in my favorite order, chronological. I feel like the chronology presents an interesting way of looking at a model's body of work. This can apply for actors/actresses and public figures writ large as well, but holds especially for models imo. Seeing someone age and grow and looking back on decades of being in the public eye puts their whole life is on display but also illustrates so much cultural change which the model is both subject to and influences. I saw some quote once from an actress discussing the cognitive dissonance inherent in seeing yourself age in real time, and I'm sure that must be applicable to models too. This is perhaps even more poignant in our Instagram filter age - what will people today feel when they look back on themselves? Generally I look distastefully on posting more than 10 pics, but I made an exception in this case.
1 - American Vogue casting, 1996
Call me basic but I love these early model polaroids. They seem to make the rounds every couple months.
2 - Albert Watson, 1997
Cherry popsicle, I'm guessing
3 - "Wicked" by Ellen von Unwerth, 1998
I might make a standalone post of this editorial later on, I love this concept.
4 - Victoria's Secret Show, 1999
At her first VS show. A shame that I find this look painfully boring, but I suppose I can't really skip a VS model's first show in a "Adriana Lima over the years" set.
5, 6 - Sao Paulo Fashion Week, 2000
Wearing Rygy then Fause Hasten. Generally speaking I try not to post too many bikini pictures - not to sound too gay, but while models always elevate clothes, with bikinis there's not much to elevate. What is there to do here other than look at Adriana and think, wow she's really hot. As an aside, I was 10 pages deep on reverse image search and licensed images websites when I started thinking about how much better I could probably do at my work if I applied myself like this.
7, 8 - Patrick Ibanez for Trace Magazine, 2000
Maybe one of my favorite Adriana editorials. You wouldn't think the eye shadow would work so well but I'm mesmerized. see more below
9 - Robert Maxwell for Vibe Magazine, 2001
with Lenny Kravitz underneath Adriana. The two were together around this time and got engaged - he turned around and dated Nicole Kidman, also got engaged but broke up (I'm sensing a pattern here Lenny). digression but does anyone else feel like our media has collectively become desexualized? not exactly an original thought but seeing something like this brings it back up for me, and no Tom Ford's shitty editorials do not count. see more below
10 - Victoria's Secret Winter Gift Book, 2001 (best guess)
I like this patchwork sweater look a lot so I definitely wanted to include it. It was near impossible to find the reference for though, I trawled through decades of Bellazon posts and tried the archive.org copy of whichever autist operates adrianalimafan.net but it was pretty impossible. I saw it a few years ago and remember there being some cool stuff. It would really have made making this post a lot easier.
11 - Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, 2002
I actually like this look a lot even if it does make her look like a big orange butterfly. I'm realizing now that this set is weighted towards the early years, but I find this era of Adriana's career the most interesting to look back at. Once you get into the mid to late 2000's it seems like she really disappears into the Victoria's Secret bubble. An endless procession of extremely boring Victoria's Secret Fashion Week shows, Angels Across America, fantasy bra, just soulless all around. straight men see below for a look from the following year's show which is exactly what I'm talking about.
12, 13 - Marc Kayne for French Photo, July/August 2004
straight men this is for you. see more below
14 - Carlyne Cerf de Dudzeele for Vogue Paris, November 2008
I'm a sucker for crazy sunglasses. Check out the ipod classic too, I remember having one of those.
15 - Vincent Peters for Vogue Spain, June 2010
the male gays strike again. I actually don't know if Peters is gay, but browsing his work reveals a lot of nudes.
16 - Mario Testino for V Magazine, 2012
with Doutzen Kroes at left. to be honest I assume the constellation of people that these two could actually take in a fight is very small (thin bones). see more below
17 - "Ridiculously Gorgeous" by Steve Meisel for Vogue Italia, June 2014
Meisel is one of my favorite photographers (I keep meaning to do a set of his work) and he hits the nail on the head here. see more below
18 - "Factory Girls" by Ellen von Unwerth for Vogue Brazil, September 2014
von Unwerth is another queen. this look inspired by Edie Sedgwick. hot women love smoking. see more below
19 - "Yohji Yamamoto Goes Back in Time" by David Sims for Love Magazine, 2015
maybe my favorite look in the whole set. Yohji doesn't miss. one more below
20 - Vincent Peters for Harper's Bazaar Spain, 2017
rs widow look
bonus content: brief digression but the prevalence of dead links on the internet makes me legitimately sad. Looking back on old forums or reddit itself pulls up so many pictures that are just gone (rip tinypic) and as a result huge swathes of the internet that are gone forever. I don't know that hosting images on reddit is any better but for this following section I'm hosting pictures on postimages, which has been around since 2004 and will hopefully be around for years to come. I highly encourage everyone to think about link stability too!
"Go-Sees" by Juergen Teller, 1999: pic
Juergen is obviously a king and this is from a cool collection of raw images taken in his studio May 1998 - May 1999.
for Sportmax, Spring 2000: pic
When will these frizzy ends make a comeback.
for Carmen Marc Valvo, Spring 2000: pic
additional shots from Patrick Ibanez for Trace Magazine, 2000: 1, 2
Amica Italy, 2001 (I think? I don't speak Italian because I'm not a loser): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
I like to think that went to some elementary school and found a children's mural to shoot in front of.
additional shots from Robert Maxwell for Vibe Magazine, 2001: 1, 2, 3, 4
Vogue Brazil cover, August 2003: pic
screaming internally. here's some additional shots from the October issue (which Adriana also covered) and shots that really emphasize her... features: 1, 2, 3, 4
for Sean John, fall 2003: pic
women of New York here's your winter inspo
Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, 2003: pic
additional shots from Marc Kayne for French Photo, July/August 2004: 1, 2, 3
for Victoria’s Secret Sexy Volume III, 2005: pic
women who look like this DM me immediately, etc
Carlyne Cerf de Dudzeele for Elle, September 2005: pic
Josh Olins for Love Magazine, spring 2009: 1, 2, 3
Adriana as Amy Winehouse. tbh I wasn't really a Winehouse fan but I appreciate the editorial
additional shots from Mario Testino for V Magazine, 2012: 1, 2, 3
additional shots from "Ridiculously Gorgeous" by Steve Meisel for Vogue Italia, June 2014: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
okay upon further reflection I will admit that these are a bit all over the place, but still look great. I'm a bit confused by this last jock strap look though
additional shots from "Factory Girls" by Ellen von Unwerth for Vogue Brazil, September 2014: 1, 2, 3
additional shot from "Yohji Yamamoto Goes Back in Time" by David Sims for Love Magazine, 2015: pic

All of Savathun’s Truths and Lies so far
In each of these, two are truths, and two are lies.

Insight

• Savathun is in control of Io, Titan and Mercury
• The Witness returned Mars from the Void
• The Guardians will soon learn to move planets
• The Taken King will return

Catalyst

• The Enigma is one key to defeating the Witness
• The Witness seeks the Final Shape, which is nothing
• The Last City is not the last city
• The Witness will build its army on Mars

Pact

• Osiris is dead
• Savathun is dead
• The Witness created the Darkness
• Your Destiny lies beyond the Solar System

Choice

• The Traveler will leave
• The Traveler will fall
• The Traveler is not the only one of its kind
• The Hive are not the last to be chosen by the Light

Thanks u/Luke-HW for putting this^ together.

Insight:

• Savathun is in control of Io, Titan and Mercury Honestly seems unlikely as we have personally put The Witch Queen into a very nice retirement home that doubles as an urn. Her Ghost is still alive yes but Titan came back while she was still in her new 1 bedroom.
• The Witness returned Mars from the Void. Again, still unsure. Why take it away in the first place just to return it? Does this have anything to do with the truth/lie in Catalyst? Why is Void capitalized?
• The Guardians will soon learn to move planets So are we moving the actual celestial bodies of planets in RoN? Or did someone or something else force Titan and Mars out of The Witnesses grasp?
• The Taken King will return As of last week it seemed pretty obvious that this would have been one of the two lies. But here we are with the living body but dead mind of The Taken King. He has, in a way, returned. There's always another secret.
  

  Catalyst:

• The Enigma is one key to defeating the Witness I may be jumping the gun a little bit but I find it hard to believe that the, tutorial to crafting, legendary, sub-par for it's weapon type glave is anything close to a key to defeating The Witnesses, unless of course the real ~treasure~ key was the ~friends~ weapons we made along the way.
  
• The Last City is not the last city Seems like an obvious one, Neomuna has been discovered and brought (arguably) more questions than answers. But here it is none the less.
  
• The Witness seeks the Final Shape, which is nothing Seems likely enough to me. Calus was promised, more or less, to be the last thing The Witnesses destroyed in the universe. (Calus is the Final Shape confirmed) *The Witness will build its army on Mars Does he even need an army? I mean, he uses Disciples as pawns because he can't be everywhere at once himself but both Rhulk and Calus where fucking raid bosses. And they're just the ones we know about. So is he training new disciples on Mars?
  

Pact

• Osiris is dead On God, if Osiris is a meat puppet again I will personally [REDACTED] in Savathun's ashes.
• Savathun is dead Yet another with too many meanings. TECHNICALLY whoever was rezzed is no longer Savathun, similar to how Crow is no longer Uldren. And even then, if she still is Savathun she is again TECHNICALLY dead, as her Ghost hasn't rezzed her.
• The Witness created the Darkness Nope. Have pretty solid confirmation that The Witnesses is just it's controller, not it's creator.
• Your Destiny lies beyond the Solar System Roll credits she said the name. But in all seriousness what happens after we either beat or get beaten by the darkness? Probably help the Cabal and Fallen take back their home worlds right? Or go beat up the Vex

Choice

• The Traveler will leave Traveler traveled. It left the last city, but it's still in our system. How far does something have to go to be considered "left"?
• The Traveler will fall Sigh notice the very obvious use of the word "fall" and not "die" or "perish" so if the traveler either plops itself down somewhere or Fucking dies this could be true.
• The Traveler is not the only one of its kind We got lots of pyramids and only one ball. For all we know there may be millions of pyramids and travelers out there doing their own thing. The Witness is the one with problems against the Traveler, for all we know the Darkness would rather just be vibing.(tbh I hope this one is a truth)
• The Hive are not the last to be chosen by the Light Hey why not. Cabal and Fallen aren't our enemies anymore (excluding certain factions) and if hive, our undiplomatic 100% for certain enemies can be revived, why couldn't our new homies. Imagine a Cabal phalanx using a titan shield or a Fallen vandal popping spectral blades. (yet another I hope to be a truth)

I'm conclusion, Savy loves her double meanings and I need a 20 pack of crayola because my head hurts. Any and all help narrowing down answers would be most appreciated, and thank you for your time.

I'm (24f) and I'm pregnant in my first trimester. My bf (27m) and I have been dating for a year and half and this morning I went through his old phone that just got disconnected while he was at work and found texts of him going going to a happy ending massage parlor. This is after he spent a couple days with my family this week, we saw an ultrasound of the fetus, and have been talking about being a family and having a kid together for more than a month. I just got STD tested a couple months ago and I was negative of everything, but now I am freaking out about having something new because I've been intimate with him since I found out I was pregnant and also after he supposedly went to the massage parlor...... I am now planning on traveling out of state to get an abortion since it is illegal after 6 weeks in Georgia. He is very narcissistic, manipulative, controlling and he has put his hands on me a few times. He gets livid if I spend just five extra minutes at work and has called me up to 100 times before if I don't answer the phone. He questions who I'm trying to impress when I'm wearing makeup and going out. He does not go one day without accusing me of doing something.This morning on his phone I also saw messages of SEVERAL other women he's talked to since we started dating and has offered a hotel room to meet them in. I have tried breaking up with him while and before I was pregnant and he doesn't let me. He has threatened suicide if I left him. He comes off to be a Christian, talks about God all the time and says he's a man of God. He also gets very angry if I bring up adoption for the kid and he said he would rather be dead than be separated while we have a kid and he has t pay child support. I honestly am relieved I found this out now before I had a kid with him and am just shocked because I never thought he would do this.
My goal now is to see if I can take any legal action for emotional abuse/distress and domestic violence? Prostitution is obviously illegal, but I'm assuming he would only get charged if he was caught in the act? I have pictures of the texts he sent the parlor asking "for a beautiful girl" and if "debit is okay?", their address and their phone number. I would like him to get charged for that, but I don't think customers are charged, just the people running the place? He doesn't know I know anything and I will not be saying anything. If anyone could give me any advice on pursuing legal action for this that would be great.

I'm (24f) and I'm pregnant in my first trimester. My bf (27m) and I have been dating for a year and half and this morning I went through his old phone that just got disconnected while he was at work and found texts of him going going to a happy ending massage parlor. This is after he spent a couple days with my family this week, we saw an ultrasound of the fetus, and have been talking about being a family and having a kid together for more than a month. I just got STD tested a couple months ago and I was negative of everything, but now I am freaking out about having something new because I've been intimate with him since I found out I was pregnant and also after he supposedly went to the massage parlor...... I am now planning on traveling out of state to get an abortion since it is illegal after 6 weeks in Georgia. He is very narcissistic, manipulative, controlling and he has put his hands on me a few times. He gets livid if I spend just five extra minutes at work and has called me up to 100 times before if I don't answer the phone. He questions who I'm trying to impress when I'm wearing makeup and going out. He does not go one day without accusing me of doing something.This morning on his phone I also saw messages of SEVERAL other women he's talked to since we started dating and has offered a hotel room to meet them in. I have tried breaking up with him while and before I was pregnant and he doesn't let me. He has threatened suicide if I left him. He comes off to be a Christian, talks about God all the time and says he's a man of God. He also gets very angry if I bring up adoption for the kid and he said he would rather be dead than be separated while we have a kid and he has t pay child support. I honestly am relieved I found this out now before I had a kid with him and am just shocked because I never thought he would do this. My goal now is to see if I can take any legal action for emotional abuse/distress and domestic violence? Prostitution is obviously illegal, but I'm assuming he would only get charged if he was caught in the act? I have pictures of the texts he sent the parlor asking "for a beautiful girl" and if "debit is okay?", their address and phone number. I would like him to get charged for that, but I don't think customers are charged, just the people running the place? He doesn't know I know anything and I will not be saying anything. If anyone could give me any advice on pursuing legal action, or if I should even try, that would be great.

I'm (24f) and I'm pregnant in my first trimester. My bf (27m) and I have been dating for a year and half and this morning I went through his old phone that just got disconnected while he was at work and found texts of him going going to a happy ending massage parlor. This is after he spent a couple days with my family this week, we saw an ultrasound of the fetus, and have been talking about being a family and having a kid together for more than a month. I just got STD tested a couple months ago and I was negative of everything, but now I am freaking out about having something new because I've been intimate with him since I found out I was pregnant and also after he supposedly went to the massage parlor...... I am now planning on traveling out of state to get an abortion since it is illegal after 6 weeks in Georgia. He is very narcissistic, manipulative, controlling and he has put his hands on me a few times. He gets livid if I spend just five extra minutes at work and has called me up to 100 times before if I don't answer the phone. He questions who I'm trying to impress when I'm wearing makeup and going out. He does not go one day without accusing me of doing something.This morning on his phone I also saw messages of SEVERAL other women he's talked to since we started dating and has offered a hotel room to meet them in. I have tried breaking up with him while and before I was pregnant and he doesn't let me. He has threatened suicide if I left him. He comes off to be a Christian, talks about God all the time and says he's a man of God. He also gets very angry if I bring up adoption for the kid and he said he would rather be dead than be separated while we have a kid and he has t pay child support. I honestly am relieved I found this out now before I had a kid with him and am just shocked because I never thought he would do this. My goal now is to see if I can take any legal action for emotional abuse/distress and domestic violence? Prostitution is obviously illegal, but I'm assuming he would only get charged if he was caught in the act? I have pictures of the texts he sent the parlor asking "for a beautiful girl" and if "debit is okay?", their address and their phone number. I would like him to get charged for that, but I don't think customers are charged, just the people running the place? He doesn't know I know anything and I will not be saying anything. If anyone could give me any advice on pursuing legal action for this that would be great.

I have never known about this but now I'm old enough to understand my mom usually talk to me about how my dad treated her. He is decent as a dad, a little sexist but bearable.
My Dad got my mom pregnant and they got married when she was 23. I found out during a fight when he screamed that he had never want to have kid to my mom and I overheard, I was 12 for godsake.
He treated my mom like shit when she was pregrant. My mom was craving crabs so grandmother got her some and he gave all of it to his family. When my mom argued he told her got over it. She had to carried heavy object because he was too cheap to hire employee for his business.
When I was a baby, I cried a lot. Every time I cried my Dad would get mad and start creaming at me and my Mom. He sometimes would left home for days because he was tired of me crying leaving my mom by herself (his mom told me about this and she talk about it like it's funny).
She ruined my mom self confident. He cut her off from all her friends. He told her quit her job in the post office (which was very well paying back then) because he afraid she would cheat.
My mom has reconnected with her friend a few year ago. Every time she go out to he would talk shit about mom to me and my brother. She said her way of dressing look like a slur, she was just trying to attract men attention and " women shouldn't go out".
Her friend told me she was a shell of what she used to be. She used to be confident and decisive. Now she have to think back and fort in anything even just going out with her friend make her thinks for week and my fucking dad nagging didn't help either.
He is a fucking cheapskate he would never buy my family anything that is too "expensive" and "not long-lasting". He yelled at mom for buying anything new. He bought me clothes and shoes that 2 size too big just because I can wear it in the next two year. I spent my childhood lying that "I like my clothes baggy", " I wear this shirt a lot because I love it".
My mom and dad would get into creaming match every Lunar New Year because he don't want to buy me new clothes (Buying new clothes for New Year is a tradition in my country). From when I was 10, I have to lied that I don't want new clothes. When we came back to class after the holiday, the teacher always ask how many new clothes does everyone get and would lied that I have three because I was ashamed
There is more but I'm too tired to type now. Letting it out really helps a lot. Ignorance sure is bliss.

Hey all, I’m back to square one with stuff but it’s going better than I expected.
July 2022- I was the thinnest I’d ever been, in a healthy range for my height (5’1” F 126lbs) I still thought I was fat and I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
May 2023- I have gained over 50 pounds. (180lbs) since July 2022 I have experienced deaths of friends, a huge shift in my quality of work life that left me resentful, I went back to school (coding bootcamp) in an attempt to change careers and took on another full time job (in addition to my other job) to pay for it, and turned to food for self soothing. My depression roared back into place and as an ex-addict/alcoholic who wasn’t looking to get back on the sauce, I let myself eat and eat without the time to go to the gym or any regard for my health. If I wasn’t working I was sleeping or eating. I cried in counseling and I sobbed In doctors appointments. (My doc is the absolute best and she repeatedly told me “I’m not worried about the numbers on the scale but it happened so quickly, are you okay?” And then “I know you’re going through a lot but let’s think about how you can be more active again and eating better so we can get you back to a healthy range.”)
Positives: my partner is extremely supportive and works out with me and we always eat healthy together. My parents are supportive and celebrated my achievements and call me every day. My sister drove the two hours to help me deep clean my depression apartment so I could have a fresh start. My best friend and I and my mom have walking challenges to keep us motivated because we’re competitive. My partner and best friend have surprised me with a vacation abroad for 10 days mostly paid for because they’re proud and they believe in me.
June 2023- this is the first week back. I’ve been to the gym 4 times this week and will be enjoying the rest days of cardio and stretching. I’m finally able to be a better friend and better partner because my intensive certification course is over. I’ve gotten some great advice on eating better. I have not lost weight. But at 50+ pounds heavier I can safely say that my support network, who laid the groundwork for months before this, has proven that they don’t care how I look, they love me for me. My partner has been the absolute best in cheering me on and celebrating my successes and not admonishing my failures (the weight, the stress hives, the anxiety.)
I am uncomfortable in this body. I can’t move the way I used to or lift the weight i could have a few months ago, I am terrified to tears daily about our vacation in 6 weeks, and nothing fits or looks good enough to me. But the world won’t stop turning to allow me to lose 50 pounds before I allow people to look at me so I am going to do my best to wake up and realize all the good in my life and all the people that didn’t leave me when I got thicker.
I’m going to hit it hard because I enjoy it. I love lifting, I love being strong and seeing my muscles so I am going to enjoy the ride, keep an eye on my diet and talk it out in counseling and to the doc if I need help, and I’m not buying a swimsuit until July 1st because who knows? Tone might happen, water weight could fall off, and changes to my body might occur. But then i will buy clothes that fit and are comfortable for the body I am in at that time because I deserve to feel comfortable and have clothes that fit and not feel like I have to wear the potato sack of shame on a vacation meant to celebrate me.
Don’t get me wrong, I hate my body. I hate that I let myself get here and I hate that people look at me when I look like this. But I’m trying every single day to be the physically healthy, mentally healthy, most grateful, and smartest version of myself. So even if the scale doesn’t say things i like I guarantee that i will be able to hike, dive, walk, and lift better than i have 30 days ago.
Being fat does not mean I miss out and my efforts will still mean something even if my face looks more buttery in the pictures. I’m not just lifting weights, I’m lifting trauma and insecurities and the fear of not being good enough or desirable. And when I can deadlift my self hatred, I am certain that i will give myself permission to live.
I am committed to doing it correctly where I might have restricted to the point of being unhealthy, overworking myself or pushing too hard before. Doing things the healthy way is slower but at the end of the day, I want peace from the obsession of being perfect. I have a better idea of how I want to look, live, and show up for others. So, I’m addressing my unhealthy thoughts and behaviors and trying so hard to make sure these healthy changes take.
Wish me luck, I have a lot going for me and I hope that through hard work that the pressure to be perfect in 6 weeks will lift.
We’re all gonna make it! :)

Me and a friend have been spending time together for the better part of 3 years, playing games together, watching anime, reading novels, sometimes we do favors for eachother, like buying games, skins or even grinding BPs and stuff. I'd say we were best friends.
But not everything is sunshine and rainbows, i have a bit of anger issues and he's bipolar so not a great mix. I've been trying to improve over the years, despite being a little slow to understand situations sometimes and dealing with other people, i feel like i've been changing, little by little.I've made some mistakes here and there in our fights, not taking my share of blame and a tendency to overexplaining my perspective on things(i like to make myself as clear as possible whenever something goes awry) but i've been getting better at recognizing when i'm wrong, but he always pushes all the blame on me, regardless of how i feel or if he's wrong. Though he sometimes does own up to his mistake and apologizes.
We get into fights every now and then, and they blown out of proportion for the most ridiculous reasons. As an example, a while back we were playing Apex Legends together, and i play reasonably better than him with the downside that i usually have high latency on any games we play online (a reocurring issue that can't be helped since we are far apart) and i also struggle to communicate what i'm doing during the moment to moment gameplay since i tend to tunnel vision. He, on the other hand, often fails to hold his own weight and tends to blame everyone and everything else. But when i do it, it's a skill issue (even if i'm literally handicapped by high latency which he tends to ignore very frequently and blame my lack of aim, when i can LITERALLY see the bullets clipping through the enemy).
Since i know he struggles and gets stressed with such games, i usually offer myself to grind the games for him when there's a cool event or we have a BP ongoing, because then he can spend less time stressed and leave the heavylifting to me, though sometimes i get burnt out of doing too much of one thing. (He also tends to procrastinate on everything like that, even if i constantly warn him that we need to play the games and the like. And in the end, blame me for not pushing him enough, when he comes up with 20 different things for us to do.)
So, recently, an event started on IDV, for Angels of Death, and we both really enjoy that game. I had started grinding earlier on the season to try and get a better chance at maybe getting something out of it, but he, again procrastinated, regardless, i once more offered myself to grind for the both of us. his response was that "Even though i don't use that as an excuse anymore, you'll be able to pay me back for all the games that i bought you." I was, devastated by that, despite our back and forth, where i help him with so many things, he still says something like that. But, whatever, i took a deep breath and begun the grind without thinking too much, 28 hours of playing the game per week would be exhaustive but i didn't care much.
The real issue, was yesterday, he decided to play a match and started losing, noticed that the loadout was different, and immediately started blaming me because i changed his loadout in game to something that is more practical for myself, since, i was going back and forth between accounts to do events stuff and the like i didn't even think of just making a new one. I, flustered and frustrated decided to stay quiet for the duration of the match to understand why he was upset and to not interrupt him. and when the match ended he was all like "Thanks Anon." so i just said "I'm sorry". his immediate response was "No you're not." and he left the call. I went after him, apologized, and he just didn't care.Not able to hold myself back, i said everything i felt, my frustration and the fact i was working hard for the both of us, but none of that mattered "It has nothing to do with this", even if the whole situation was especifically caused by me playing on his account.
So, we both just did our things today, he came to my dms to tell me that he was going to continue the things we've been playing/watching together with other people. and i just said i didn't care. He's always been pushy about spending time with HIS friends, or playing the games he wants, even if i vocalized many times things that i don't like he still pushes and tries to coerce me into playing. i did my best to respect his space and time, not minding if he hung out with the others, nothing wrong with that.
I tried many times to talk to him, but he always refuses to acknowledge how i feel about things, and says that i'm that one not seeing things from his perspective. (though sometimes true, and he explains it to me, most of the time it's something so unreasonable and out there that makes little sense unless explained.)
Now, after his demand, i left the servers he's in, and he even went as far as to kick me from one where we co-host(more like i host it myself) a roleplay with some good friends, thankfully i was invited back by someone i could talk to.

TLDR; thinking of switching from food science to a major that utilizes my strong writing and communications skills better and also actually interests me, but not sure of a potential alternative career path and if it would be worth giving up the financial security.
This is gonna be a long post sorry
Basically I went into college intending to major in food science. Why? In high school I had the opportunity to shadow a food scientist in a class and I thought the career was cool. I've always been passionate about food and cooking and I enjoy chemistry.
Food science is a very technical field that combines aspects of biology, microbiology, organic chemistry, engineering etc. and jobs tend to span the range from product development to Quality assurance and food safety to more nutrition-focused or marketing jobs. Basically it has great value because while the field is niche, there are pretty consistent opportunities and with the strong program at my school + the industry connections I will most likely be able to get a high paying job right out of college (based on what I've seen from FS graduates at my university).
I went into my freshman year undecided, but finished up my gen eds and took the STEM prerequisites as well as a food science survey course, intending to declare my major in Food Science the beginning of my sophomore year. Along the way I had doubts but it wasn't till a few days ago that I started to majorly reconsider my choice.
My reasoning was two-fold:

1. In my STEM classes, I did not do as well as I could have not because I wasn't capable, but because I was uninterested. I would experience existential dread having to do with the class, leading to me failing to study for a test or stopping turning in assignments due to disinterest for a spell. This would hurt my grade, but not completely sabotage it because it would only be for a short spell of a few weeks to a month. This happened with Calc, Chem and Biology.

I would like to note that it wasn't simply that my classes were difficult and boring. I can deal with doing things I don't want to do. It was rather that my aptitudes of reading and writing/critical thinking and analysis, which I have always been way better at than math and science, were being neglected. I didn't feel passionate and convicted in what I was doing and I believe that this lack of passion was holding me back from being the best version of myself. I care a lot about history, art, culture, literature, and film and basically anything humanities and social sciences. I was originally considering majoring in sociology before high school. I have always excelled in English classes.

1. I can't really see a future for myself in the industry. Going along with the aptitudes thing, I found my chemistry lab to be incredibly tedious and technical. I can't seriously picture myself working in a lab for the rest of my life and while there are other possible paths with a food science major, for the next 3 years pretty much all of my classes would be science classes with lab components. I don't hate science but I can't bring myself to care about it very much. I would be ok with slogging through 3 years of coursework if it was for a future I was really excited about, but for now there isn't one. I still love cooking and food and initially wanted to be a research chef, but I work in the service industry right now and don't see working at a kitchen as realistically worth the pain for me (it is an incredibly difficult and harrowing profession).

As of right now I have two choices:

1. Stick it out and graduate with a food science degree: classes will be difficult, mildly interesting but not inspiring. The major does not play to my strengths as a student and thus I will probably not excel among my peers. I would likely feel dissatisfied with not being able to learn about the things I'm most interested in but I could probably land some cool internships working in the side of food science I'm most interested in (recipe development/test kitchen). Graduate and get a job and then...?
2. Switch my major entirely. I'm already minoring in French and so I would most likely pair a humanities major with something more technical to build employability (e.g. a minor in statistics). I wouldn't bother this time majoring in something I didn't love, so I would probably go straight for something like English, Comparative Literature, perhaps even pick up another language like Russian, Communications (Film). The issue with this path is I have no idea what I'd do with it in the future. My pipe dream is to become a writer of some sort but that's all that really is at the moment since I have no decent work to back it up. However, with my current major I don't have time to even develop any potential skills in this area, so...

So what would you choose? And given my interests what are some possible majors for me to explore?

First Some context
I’m 23 male, I currently doesn’t have a job and I live with my parents (don’t judge me lol!) abusive parents. I have trauma bond with them. Been trying to fix it since 2018.
Before 2018 I had trauma bond but It wasn’t this bad, my marketing carrier was booming. After 2018 it fell because of a weird breakup that I wasn’t apart of.
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I met her on February 28th. I texted her for some other reason. Give or take I realized she is my dream girl she was a tomboy, she was very rational person, she loved to study religion and talk about meaning of life 😍😍😍😍 she was British. (I had a imaginary gf to cope from my parental abuse, she had the same personality) I was head over heels in love with her and she said I was a interesting character. It was life changing to me I met her exactly a week before I started therapy. So I was sharing with her my therapy progress. I was saying her constantly how excited I was about both of our futures together. I was doing a lot of progress because of her if she wasn’t there I would’ve sat down in my room think about past over and over and then I would’ve likely killed my self.
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So since i was small like very tiny (5th grade) I had a dream to finding a gf who cared for me and getting married to her. I prepared my whole life, I studied about relationship, women psychology and etc:-
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When I met her I was thrilled finally I have someone to cook food for and to use all of the skills I gathered throughout my life. I wanted to take care of her to the point where she will say even my mother won’t take care of me like this. It doesn’t matter how down I’m when I think of her everything just feels calm. Unless I haven’t taken my meds and I start to behave like a retard. Then I’m paranoid and scared of being abandoned.
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So while we are interacting. I’m going to therapy. There is one problem that came up over and over. My family they kept on harassing me. I go to therapy make progress, I come back home progress destroyed. It happened over and over. She was very supportive she knew 100% how evil my family was. When my mom said “if you don’t earn and give me money you are not my son” I fucking shattered into pieces but she managed to calm me down without letting me fall back again to a suicidal guy.
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To my parents I’m a investment to their retirement and to pay off their debts. I failed to do it so I’m a failure.
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While I was interacting with her I spotted some stuff about her. she didn’t open up to me much. She was very defensive and I assume she is scared of commitment. She wanted to take the relationship slow and steady, even I wanted to do that because in relationships taking it slow and steady is vital. So I wanted to take it slow, I said let’s keep few online dates then I will come to UK let’s do some irl dating then we can decide the relationship continued we never got a chance to online date 😞.
The conversations we had was centered around me, I noticed it I didn’t like it at all, I tried to make her open up tell her struggles she didn’t 😞. So I just told my self just don’t rush things just let her slowly open up. Don’t ask for the phone number any photos nothing. Just let her in slow and steady win her trust. Give her free space to leave the relationship when ever she desires. The only contact I had was messenger. She can block me if she doesn’t like. I never expected her to delete the profile. (It breaks my heart 😭😭)
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Then the fucking lightning struck. My antidepressants finished. I turned into a unstable mess. I was a paranoid. I was saying my therapist constantly she will abandon me because look at me I’m a loser my parents think I’m so why should she care for me if they don’t. My therapist asked “did she say that? No she didn’t say that. So why do you worry.” Then I calmed my self down bought my meds and it started to go smooth again.
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Then again I forgot to buy meds. I became unstable for 5 whole days it was a nightmare I don’t wish upon my enemy. I started to have trauma nightmares, then my family started to drag me into more problems. The 5th day I lost it I asked her “shall we get married?” Her response was “do you really think getting married will solve all of your problems” the truth is yes it will, but I felt that undertone Of she wants the answer no. So I said “no!” Then her response was “I don’t see it happening we are both young and broke, it will get into problems” I strongly disagree I was too tired after crying to explain it to her. So I wanted to just end the conversation I thought I can explain it to her tomorrow. It wasn’t a strong no but it was a if we are stable we can. I was damn excited because she didn’t dump me. I started to work on finding some money. Then the day after tomorrow I went out with my friend to take meds we had a argument, I told her that. I told her that, she reacted ♥️ To all of my messages. Then she deleted her Facebook profile.
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The biggest reason I’m chasing her is she was with me when I was unstable and now I’m becoming stable i will definitely start to do a lot of progress the only person who I want to share it with is her. if she wasn’t there throughout therapy journey I might not be alive today. Therapy was extremely hard on me like it took out everything I wanted to forget.
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Looking back at everything. I’m wrong I could’ve done so many things different and I could’ve steered the relationship for a good path. Since 2018 I use anti depressants without them I don’t get angry but I start to behave retarded. My family makes fun of me saying I’m retarded. 😂🤣😂🤣
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One time I asked her who is your dream partner? She said “the one who learn from mistakes and mature” God tell me not to fall in love when she talks like that, it’s impossible not to.
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My friend said “she promised you she won’t judge you or abandon you. Then she did it, She Should’ve known that if she leaves you, you will be broken apart” The answer to that question is, if she is scared of commitment that means trauma just like I does, so it’s fair for her to act like that. I have trauma and I know how I react when traumatic stuff get triggered. Everyone is hurt this days just don’t judge and be kind. I mentioned it before someone point it out in the comments.
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Plus Fear of marriage is real. The amount of divorces are sky high. Then social media filth filled about cheating, divorce and child custody. I hate western media. A marriage makes bond stronger not weaker.
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I know this story is hard to believe But some of you might know truth is often stranger than fiction.
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I was in a plan of making her talk to my therapist but before that all this happened. But it gave me a reality check I realized how fragile life is and how I should be more gentle
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I learned a lot from school of life. I shared this Because Everyone deserves a happy relationship. If I can help someone to live happy that is more than enough to fuel me for few years. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwxNMb28XmpcEwc0qydf2jSszQFSht81
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Feel free to be blunt in your replies.
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If you live in UK you feel like helping me find her phone number or make her see this post it’s a huge help. I will provide you with all of my personal information to prove I’m not a serial killer. Lmao!
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The biggest help you can do for me is pray for me and her!

Hi everyone!
I moved to a new rental property a couple weeks ago and among some other issues with the place, is that I can't get an NBN connection unless I pay a $300 New Development Fee. I've asked advice from the providers and NBN Co themselves and they weren't of much help apart from the suggestion that I can present the cost to my landlord or property agent to have it reimbursed.
The property agents have flat out refused to do this on my first couple attempts at discussing this issue, citing that there are other internet service alternatives if I didn't want to pay the $300 New Development Fee to get NBN. There is no adsl (which anyway is primitive and shouldn't even be an option in this day and age), and the only other option is 4G Home Broadband (my area does not have 5G Home Broadband coverage). Now the problem with this is that the apartment is in a dead spot for some reason when it comes to network coverage, because right outside the building I get full 5G internet speeds (Telstra), but inside the apartment I get barely 7-11mbps download speeds and at best about 1.5-2mbps upload speeds.
I caved and signed up for a 4G Home Broadband service with my provider from my previous address and found that they have absolutely NO coverage inside the apartment. Basically, no home internet at this stage.
Do you guys have any advice on how I can convince or push my property agents to accept the cost of the New Development Fee? It's a one-off, first time only, fee for the first person getting an NBN Service at a new property. Basically I'll be paying for NBN availability for all their tenants after me. The issue is that NBN lists this cost as a vague government levy, so it's neither a set-up cost, nor an infrastructure cost. So the property agents believe they shouldn't be paying it since it's not an infrastructure cost.
I will get onto making a complaint with fair trade as a last resort, as I have strong grounds with some other issues in the property as well, however, would really like to avoid the hassle if possible.
Any advice at all will be greatly appreciated, thanks!

My wife and I have obtained conditional approval for our FHA mortgage (Rocket Mortgage) and are seemingly close to scheduling a definite closing date. I was told by my purchase specialist that they only have to finish reviewing the appraisal, which I know is fine because there are no issues on the appraisal.
My wife and I also just had a baby nearly three weeks ago. I am not working the overtime I typically work since I'm on leave and my wife is self-employed (hair stylist), so she isn't generating any income during this time and my income is less right now since it's just my base pay without any overtime. Overtime is a part of my job and does end up as quite a bit of my pay. They also know that overtime is a big part of my earnings and took it into consideration for our approval. So the question I have is; being that we've already obtained conditional approval (actual approval from the underwriters) will they ask for more pay stubs/bank statements right before we close? I'm just concerned that my paystubs and bank statements will show less income since we're on maternity/paternity leave and generating less income than we typically would. I don't want this to jeopardize our closing and I'm extremely anxious because of this.

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Freehand FN #1, B/O: $2500

★ Butterfly Knife Ultraviolet FT, B/O: $822

★ Butterfly Knife Scorched FT, B/O: $616

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★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth MW #1, B/O: $1300

★ Bayonet Autotronic FN, B/O: $1050

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth MW, B/O: $629

★ Bayonet Bright Water FT, B/O: $326

★ Bayonet Safari Mesh BS, B/O: $233

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★ Karambit Lore FT, B/O: $1110

★ Karambit Damascus Steel FT, B/O: $840

★ Karambit Freehand MW, B/O: $784

★ Karambit Bright Water MW, B/O: $759

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★ M9 Bayonet Fade FN, B/O: $1801

★ M9 Bayonet Fade FN, B/O: $1801

★ M9 Bayonet Damascus Steel FN, B/O: $751

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★ Nomad Knife Fade FN, B/O: $1156

★ Nomad Knife Slaughter MW, B/O: $544

★ Nomad Knife Blue Steel WW, B/O: $318

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★ Flip Knife Marble Fade FN, B/O: $646

★ Flip Knife Doppler (Phase 4) FN, B/O: $574

★ Flip Knife Gamma Doppler (Phase 1) MW, B/O: $552

★ Flip Knife Case Hardened FT, B/O: $257

★ Flip Knife Freehand FT, B/O: $255

★ StatTrak™ Flip Knife Bright Water FN, B/O: $287

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★ Huntsman Knife Lore FN, B/O: $461

★ Huntsman Knife Gamma Doppler (Phase 4) FN, B/O: $436

★ Huntsman Knife Doppler (Phase 3) FN, B/O: $353

★ Huntsman Knife Autotronic FT, B/O: $212

★ Huntsman Knife Bright Water FT, B/O: $129

★ Huntsman Knife Forest DDPAT MW, B/O: $129

★ Huntsman Knife Forest DDPAT BS, B/O: $123

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Rust Coat BS, B/O: $127

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★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Phase 2) FN, B/O: $375

★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Phase 1) FN, B/O: $363

★ Bowie Knife Tiger Tooth FN, B/O: $269

★ Bowie Knife Crimson Web WW, B/O: $192

★ Bowie Knife Bright Water FN, B/O: $159

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet FT, B/O: $126

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★ Stiletto Knife Slaughter FN, B/O: $616

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web FT, B/O: $412

★ StatTrak™ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe FT, B/O: $227

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★ Falchion Knife Lore FT, B/O: $214

★ Falchion Knife Autotronic FT, B/O: $192

★ Falchion Knife Scorched WW, B/O: $105

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★ Survival Knife Crimson Web BS, B/O: $216

★ Survival Knife Case Hardened FT, B/O: $198

★ Survival Knife Scorched FT, B/O: $111

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★ Shadow Daggers Fade FN, B/O: $368

★ Shadow Daggers Doppler (Phase 3) FN, B/O: $228

★ Shadow Daggers, B/O: $201

★ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel FT, B/O: $108

★ Shadow Daggers Ultraviolet FT, B/O: $105

★ Shadow Daggers Black Laminate FT, B/O: $99

★ Shadow Daggers Forest DDPAT FT, B/O: $85

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★ Gut Knife Doppler (Sapphire) MW #1, B/O: $1700

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Phase 1) FN, B/O: $223

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade FN, B/O: $203

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Phase 2) FN, B/O: $191

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened BS, B/O: $127

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★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Phase 4) FN, B/O: $199

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Phase 4) FN, B/O: $199

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $138

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel FN, B/O: $111

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★ Classic Knife Urban Masked FT, B/O: $146

★ StatTrak™ Classic Knife Stained BS, B/O: $168

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★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Phase 3) FN, B/O: $476

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $375

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★ Skeleton Knife, B/O: $1137

★ Talon Knife, B/O: $608

★ Paracord Knife, B/O: $305

★ Survival Knife Forest DDPAT FT, B/O: $97

GLOVES

★ Moto Gloves Transport MW, B/O: $204

★ Moto Gloves Polygon BS, B/O: $142

★ Moto Gloves Blood Pressure BS, B/O: $84

★ Moto Gloves Blood Pressure BS, B/O: $84

★ Moto Gloves 3rd Commando Company BS, B/O: $63

★ Moto Gloves 3rd Commando Company BS, B/O: $63

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★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Kimono WW, B/O: $1215

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike FT, B/O: $672

★ Specialist Gloves Lt. Commander FT, B/O: $305

★ Specialist Gloves Lt. Commander BS, B/O: $140

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web BS, B/O: $137

★ Specialist Gloves Buckshot FT, B/O: $75

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★ Driver Gloves Crimson Weave FT, B/O: $359

★ Driver Gloves Imperial Plaid BS, B/O: $229

★ Driver Gloves Overtake BS, B/O: $77

★ Driver Gloves Racing Green FT, B/O: $48

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★ Sport Gloves Omega FT, B/O: $739

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious BS #2, B/O: $733

★ Sport Gloves Arid BS, B/O: $292

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★ Hand Wraps Giraffe MW, B/O: $212

★ Hand Wraps Leather FT, B/O: $160

★ Hand Wraps Desert Shamagh MW, B/O: $101

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★ Broken Fang Gloves Yellow-banded MW, B/O: $185

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point FT, B/O: $67

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point WW, B/O: $59

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★ Hydra Gloves Case Hardened BS, B/O: $65

★ Hydra Gloves Emerald FT, B/O: $65

★ Hydra Gloves Emerald BS, B/O: $62

WEAPONS

AK-47 Case Hardened BS, B/O: $130

AK-47 Bloodsport MW, B/O: $79

AK-47 Fuel Injector BS, B/O: $76

AK-47 Fuel Injector BS, B/O: $76

AK-47 Bloodsport FT, B/O: $70

AK-47 Neon Rider MW, B/O: $60

StatTrak™ AK-47 Aquamarine Revenge FT, B/O: $72

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AWP Fade FN, B/O: $1039

AWP Asiimov FT, B/O: $139

AWP Asiimov FT, B/O: $139

AWP Wildfire MW, B/O: $95

AWP BOOM MW, B/O: $93

AWP BOOM MW, B/O: $93

AWP Duality FN, B/O: $81

AWP Asiimov BS, B/O: $79

AWP Asiimov BS, B/O: $79

AWP Chromatic Aberration FN, B/O: $60

StatTrak™ AWP Hyper Beast FT, B/O: $68

StatTrak™ AWP Hyper Beast FT, B/O: $68

StatTrak™ AWP Electric Hive FT, B/O: $55

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Desert Eagle Blaze FN, B/O: $623

Desert Eagle Emerald Jörmungandr FN, B/O: $241

Desert Eagle Cobalt Disruption FN, B/O: $81

Desert Eagle Cobalt Disruption FN, B/O: $81

Desert Eagle Cobalt Disruption FN, B/O: $81

Desert Eagle Printstream FT, B/O: $54

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M4A1-S Blue Phosphor FN, B/O: $434

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Bright Water MW, B/O: $55

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M4A4 Poseidon FN, B/O: $1465

M4A4 Asiimov BS, B/O: $55

M4A4 Hellfire MW, B/O: $50

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USP-S Kill Confirmed MW, B/O: $72

USP-S Printstream FT, B/O: $69

StatTrak™ USP-S Kill Confirmed FT, B/O: $139

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AUG Flame Jörmungandr FN, B/O: $234

P90 Run and Hide FT, B/O: $147

Five-SeveN Candy Apple FN, B/O: $61

Trade Offer Link - Steam Profile Link - My Inventory

Knives - Bowie Knife, Butterfly Knife, Falchion Knife, Flip Knife, Gut Knife, Huntsman Knife, M9 Bayonet, Bayonet, Karambit, Shadow Daggers, Stiletto Knife, Ursus Knife, Navaja Knife, Talon Knife, Classic Knife, Paracord Knife, Survival Knife, Nomad Knife, Skeleton Knife, Patterns - Gamma Doppler, Doppler (Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4, Black Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald), Crimson Web, Lore, Fade, Ultraviolet, Night, Marble Fade (Fire & Ice, Fake FI), Case Hardened (Blue Gem), Autotronic, Slaughter, Black Laminate, Tiger Tooth, Boreal Forest, Scorched, Blue Steel, Vanilla, Damascus Steel, Forest DDPAT, Urban Masked, Freehand, Stained, Bright Water, Safari Mesh, Rust Coat, Gloves - Bloodhound Gloves (Charred, Snakebite, Guerrilla, Bronzed), Driver Gloves (Snow Leopard, King Snake, Crimson Weave, Imperial Plaid, Black Tie, Lunar Weave, Diamondback, Rezan the Red, Overtake, Queen Jaguar, Convoy, Racing Green), Hand Wraps (Cobalt Skulls, CAUTION!, Overprint, Slaughter, Leather, Giraffe, Badlands, Spruce DDPAT, Arboreal, Constrictor, Desert Shamagh, Duct Tape), Moto Gloves (Spearmint, POW!, Cool Mint, Smoke Out, Finish Line, Polygon, Blood Pressure, Turtle, Boom!, Eclipse, 3rd Commando Company, Transport), Specialist Gloves (Crimson Kimono, Tiger Strike, Emerald Web, Field Agent, Marble Fade, Fade, Foundation, Lt. Commander, Crimson Web, Mogul, Forest DDPAT, Buckshot), Sport Gloves (Pandora's Box, Superconductor, Hedge Maze, Vice, Amphibious, Slingshot, Omega, Arid, Big Game, Nocts, Scarlet Shamagh, Bronze Morph), Hydra Gloves (Case Hardened, Emerald, Rattler, Mangrove), Broken Fang Gloves (Jade, Yellow-banded, Unhinged, Needle Point), Pistols - P2000 (Wicked Sick, Ocean Foam, Fire Element, Amber Fade, Corticera, Chainmail, Imperial Dragon, Obsidian, Scorpion, Handgun, Acid Etched), USP-S (Printstream, Kill Confirmed, Whiteout, Road Rash, Owergrowth, The Traitor, Neo-Noir, Dark Water, Orion, Blueprint, Stainless, Caiman, Serum, Monster Mashup, Royal Blue, Ancient Visions, Cortex, Orange Anolis, Ticket To Hell, Black Lotus, Cyrex, Check Engine, Guardian, Purple DDPAT, Torque, Blood Tiger, Flashback, Business Class, Pathfinder, Para Green), Lead Conduit, Glock-18 (Umbral Rabbit, Fade, Candy Apple, Bullet Queen, Synth Leaf, Neo-Noir, Nuclear Garden, Dragon Tatto, Reactor, Pink DDPAT, Twilight Galaxy, Sand Dune, Groundwater, Blue Fissure, Snack Attack, Water Elemental, Brass, Wasteland Rebel, Vogue, Franklin, Royal Legion, Gamma Doppler, Weasel, Steel Disruption, Ironwork, Grinder, High Beam, Moonrise, Oxide Blaze, Bunsen Burner, Clear Polymer, Bunsen Burner, Night), P250 (Re.built, Nuclear Threat, Modern Hunter, Splash, Whiteout, Vino Primo, Mehndi, Asiimov, Visions, Undertow, Cartel, See Ya Later, Gunsmoke, Splash, Digital Architect, Muertos, Red Rock, Bengal Tiger, Crimson Kimono, Wingshot, Metallic DDPAT, Hive, Dark Filigree, Mint Kimono), Five-Seven (Neon Kimono, Berries And Cherries, Fall Hazard, Crimson Blossom, Hyper Beast, Nitro, Fairy Tale, Case Hardened, Copper Galaxy, Angry Mob, Monkey Business, Fowl Play, Anodized Gunmetal, Hot Shot, Retrobution, Boost Protocol), CZ75-Auto (Chalice, Crimson Web, Emerald Quartz, The Fuschia is Now, Nitro, Xiangliu, Yellow Jacket, Victoria, Poison Dart, Syndicate, Eco, Hexane, Pole, Tigris), Tec-9 (Rebel, Terrace, Nuclear Threat, Hades, Rust Leaf, Decimator, Blast From, Orange Murano, Toxic, Fuel Injector, Remote Control, Bamboo Forest, Isaac, Avalanche, Brother, Re-Entry, Blue Titanium, Bamboozle), R8 Revolver (Banana Cannon, Fade, Blaze, Crimson Web, Liama Cannon, Crazy 8, Reboot, Canal Spray, Night, Amber Fade), Desert Eagle (Blaze, Hand Cannon, Fennec Fox, Sunset Storm, Emerald Jörmungandr, Pilot, Hypnotic, Golden Koi, Printstream, Cobalt Disruption, Code Red, Ocean Drive, Midnight Storm, Kumicho Dragon, Crimson Web, Heirloom, Night Heist, Mecha Industries, Night, Conspiracy, Trigger Discipline, Naga, Directive, Light Rail), Dual Berettas (Flora Carnivora, Duelist, Cobra Strike, Black Limba, Emerald, Hemoglobin, Twin Turbo, Marina, Melondrama, Pyre, Retribution, Briar, Dezastre, Royal Consorts, Urban Shock, Dualing Dragons, Panther, Balance), Rifles - Galil (Aqua Terrace, Winter Forest, Chatterbox, Sugar Rush, Pheonix Blacklight, CAUTION!, Orange DDPAT, Cerberus, Dusk Ruins, Eco, Chromatic Aberration, Stone Cold, Tuxedo, Sandstorm, Shattered, Urban Rubble, Rocket Pop, Kami, Crimson Tsunami, Connexion), SCAR-20 (Fragments, Brass, Cyrex, Palm, Splash Jam, Cardiac, Emerald, Crimson Web, Magna Carta, Stone Mosaico, Bloodsport, Enforcer), AWP (Duality, Gungnir, Dragon Lore, Prince, Medusa, Desert Hydra, Fade, Lightning Strike, Oni Taiji, Silk Tiger, Graphite, Chromatic Aberration, Asiimov, Snake Camo, Boom, Containment Breach, Wildfire, Redline, Electric Hive, Hyper Beast, Neo-Noir, Man-o'-war, Pink DDPAT, Corticera, Sun in Leo, Elite Build, Fever Dream, Atheris, Mortis, PAW, Exoskeleton, Worm God, POP AWP, Phobos, Acheron, Pit Viper, Capillary, Safari Mesh), AK-47 (Head Shot, Wild Lotus, Gold Arabesque, X-Ray, Fire Serpent, Hydroponic, Panthera Onca, Case Hardened, Vulcan, Jet Set, Fuel Injector, Bloodsport, Nightwish, First Class, Neon Rider, Asiimov, Red Laminate, Aquamarine Revenge, The Empress, Wasteland Rebel, Jaguar, Black Laminate, Leet Museo, Neon Revolution, Redline, Frontside Misty, Predator, Legion of Anubis, Point Disarray, Orbit Mk01, Blue Laminate, Green Laminate, Emerald Pinstripe, Cartel, Phantom Disruptor, Jungle Spray, Safety Net, Rat Rod, Baroque Purple, Slate, Elite Build, Uncharted, Safari Mesh), FAMAS (Sundown, Prime Conspiracy, Afterimage, Commemoration, Dark Water, Spitfire, Pulse, Eye of Athena, Meltdown, Rapid Eye Move, Roll Cage, Styx, Mecha Industrie, Djinn, ZX Spectron, Valence, Neural Net, Night Borre, Hexne), M4A4 (Temukau, Howl, Poseidon, Asiimov, Daybreak, Hellfire, Zirka, Red DDPAT, Radiation Hazard, Modern Hunter, The Emperor, The Coalition, Bullet Rain, Cyber Security, X-Ray, Dark Blossom, Buzz Kill, In Living Color, Neo-Noir, Desolate Space, 龍王 (Dragon King), Royal Paladin, The Battlestar, Global Offensive, Tooth Fairy, Desert-Strike, Griffin, Evil Daimyo, Spider Lily, Converter), M4A1-S (Emphorosaur-S, Welcome to the Jungle, Imminent Danger, Knight, Hot Rod, Icarus Fell, Blue Phosphor, Printstream, Master Piece, Dark Water, Golden Coil, Bright Water, Player Two, Atomic Alloy, Guardian, Chantico's Fire, Hyper Beast, Mecha Industries, Cyrex, Control Panel, Moss Quartz, Nightmare, Decimator, Leaded Glass, Basilisk, Blood Tiger, Briefing, Night Terror, Nitro, VariCamo, Flashback), SG 553 (Cyberforce, Hazard Pay, Bulldozer, Integrale, Dragon Tech, Ultraviolet, Colony IV, Hypnotic, Cyrex, Candy Apple, Barricade, Pulse), SSG 08 (Death Strike, Sea Calico, Blood in the Water, Orange Filigree, Dragonfire, Big Iron, Bloodshot, Detour, Turbo Peek, Red Stone), AUG (Akihabara Accept, Flame Jörmungandr, Hot Rod, Midnight Lily, Sand Storm, Carved Jade, Wings, Anodized Navy, Death by Puppy, Torque, Bengal Tiger, Chameleon, Fleet Flock, Random Access, Momentum, Syd Mead, Stymphalian, Arctic Wolf, Aristocrat, Navy Murano), G3SG1 (Chronos, Violet Murano, Flux, Demeter, Orange Kimono, The Executioner, Green Apple, Arctic Polar Camo, Contractor), SMGs - P90 (Neoqueen, Astral Jörmungandr, Run and Hide, Emerald Dragon, Cold Blooded, Death by Kitty, Baroque Red, Vent Rush, Blind Spot, Asiimov, Trigon, Sunset Lily, Death Grip, Leather, Nostalgia, Fallout Warning, Tiger Pit, Schermatic, Virus, Shapewood, Glacier Mesh, Shallow Grave, Chopper, Desert Warfare), MAC-10 (Sakkaku, Hot Snakes, Copper Borre, Red Filigree, Gold Brick, Graven, Case Hardened, Stalker, Amber Fade, Neon Rider, Tatter, Curse, Propaganda, Nuclear Garden, Disco Tech, Toybox, Heat, Indigo), UMP-45 (Wild Child, Fade, Blaze, Day Lily, Minotaur's Labyrinth, Crime Scene, Caramel, Bone Pile, Momentum, Primal Saber), MP7 (Teal Blossom, Fade, Nemesis, Whiteout, Asterion, Bloosport, Abyssal Apparition, Full Stop, Special Delivery, Neon Ply, Asterion, Ocean Foam, Powercore, Scorched, Impire), PP-Bizon (Modern Hunter, Rust Coat, Forest Leaves, Antique, High Roller, Blue Streak, Seabird, Judgement of Anubis, Bamboo Print, Embargo, Chemical Green, Coblat Halftone, Fuel Rod, Photic Zone, Irradiated Alert, Carbon Fiber), MP9 (Featherweight, Wild Lily, Pandora's Box, Stained Glass, Bulldozer, Dark Age, Hot Rod, Hypnotic, Hydra, Rose Iron, Music Box, Setting Sun, Food Chain, Airlock, Mount Fuji, Starlight Protector, Ruby Poison Dart, Deadly Poison), MP5-SD (Liquidation, Oxide Oasis, Phosphor, Nitro, Agent, Autumn Twilly), Shotguns, Machineguns - Sawed-Off (Kiss♥Love, First Class, Orange DDPAT, Rust Coat, The Kraken, Devourer, Mosaico, Wasteland Princess, Bamboo Shadow, Copper, Serenity, Limelight, Apocalypto), XM1014 (Frost Borre, Ancient Lore, Red Leather, Elegant Vines, Banana Leaf, Jungle, Urban Perforated, Grassland, Blaze Orange, Heaven Guard, VariCamo Blue, Entombed, XOXO, Seasons, Tranquility, Bone Machine, Incinegator, Teclu Burner, Black Tie, Zombie Offensive, Watchdog), Nova (Baroque Orange, Hyper Beast, Green Apple, Antique, Modern Hunter, Walnut, Forest Leaves, Graphite, Blaze Orange, Rising Skull, Tempest, Bloomstick, Interlock, Quick Sand, Moon in Libra, Clean Polymer, Red Quartz, Toy Soldier), MAG-7 (Insomnia, Cinqueda, Counter Terrace, Prism Terrace, Memento, Chainmail, Hazard, Justice, Bulldozer, Silver, Core Breach, Firestarter, Praetorian, Heat, Hard Water, Monster Call, BI83 Spectrum, SWAG-7), M249 (Humidor, Shipping Forecast, Blizzard Marbleized, Downtown, Jungle DDPAT, Nebula Crusader, Impact Drill, Emerald Poison Dart), Negev (Mjölnir, Anodized Navy, Palm, Power Loader, Bratatat, CaliCamo, Phoenix Stencil, Infrastructure, Boroque Sand), Wear - Factory New (FN), Minimal Wear (MW), Field-Tested (FT), Well-Worn (WW), Battle-Scarred (BS), Stickers Holo/Foil/Gold - Katowice 2014, Krakow 2017, Howling Dawn, Katowice 2015, Crown, London 2018, Cologne 2014, Boston 2018, Atlanta 2017, Cluj-Napoca 2015, DreamHack 2014, King on the Field, Harp of War, Winged Difuser, Cologne 2016, Cologne 2015, MLG Columbus 2016, Katowice 2019, Berlin 2019, RMR 2020, Stockholm 2021, Antwerp 2022, Swag Foil, Flammable foil, Others - Souvenirs, Agents, Pins, Passes, Gifts, Music Kits, Cases, Keys, Capsules, Packages, Patches

Some items on the list may no longer be available or are still locked, visit My Inventory for more details.

Send a Trade Offer for fastest response. I consider all offers.

Add me for discuss if there is a serious offer that needs to be discussed.

For context, I'm 32, he's almost 60, I live with him because he wants me to live here because pooling our resources makes it really cheap for both of us, and it's going to allow me to save up to buy us a house to live in so we're not throwing away money in rent anymore.
The only problem is I can't stand to be around him, I don't want to live with him, I don't like anything about him, we don't have anything in common, in fact we're exact opposites on basically everything. I have nothing to talk about with him, and even if I did, he's always drunk, like 'seesawing back and forth, slurring, asking toddler-level questions but not being able to understand or remember the answers' drunk, every single day, without fail. He's not violent or mean or anything so I know I shouldn't complain since it could always be worse, but it's embarrassing, I don't want to live around it, and dealing with it makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and it literally ruins my night every night that I talk to him. He starts drinking as soon as he gets home from work, or if it's his day off, he starts drinking as soon as he's done with any driving errands he has to do, so basically mid-afternoon. He has absolutely positively no interest whatsoever in quitting drinking, as we've argued about it several times and I've told him more times than I can count that I don't think of him as a person when he's drunk and that we can't really have a relationship if I can't talk to him like a human being.
I should probably explain what I mean by that; It's kinda like how he felt when he had to take care of his mom who recently died of dementia, it's like you're talking to someone's body, but their brain really isn't in there at all, they don't remember anything you say, they don't have their mental faculties, they can't process simple information, they don't understand what's going on around them, they get extremely emotional at the drop of a hat over nothing, and they tell you the same thing over and over again every night, sometimes multiple times in a row. Did I just describe my drunk dad or his mom dying of dementia? Both. It's exactly the same behavior, except he only had to go through it with his mom for a year before she passed, and I've been going through this with him every day since I started making conscious memories.
It just makes me incredibly uncomfortable and I'm only able to give short quick irritated answers that go nowhere because I don't want to talk to him in that state, and there's no reason to go anywhere with it because he's not really in there and he's not really hearing me anyway, and he's definitely not capable of having a normal conversation. Like, tonight for example; I get off work at the same time every day. I usually go to my friend's house to hang out with him after work until my dad passes out so I don't have to talk to him. Tonight, though, as usually happens at least once or twice a week, my friend was already asleep, so I went straight home. So then I have to answer the same stupid questions that I've already answered before, over and over, from my dad; "How'd you get here so early!" -'my friend was asleep' "....yeah but it's still early..." -'I got off work at the same time I always do, I just usually go hang out with him first' "Okay man well hell what's wrong?" (visibly irritated because I'm shortening this, it's a lot more repetitive in real life, but I respond trying to be as nice as possible) -'nothing's wrong, I'm just tired, I just got off work man'. "Alright. Well what's that?" -'a nintendo switch (he's seen it a million times before)' "Alright.... so what's that?" -'a game for the switch, thanks for getting it out of the mailbox for me'. And then he just shuffles off into the other room when he finally figures out I got nothing to say to him and that he wouldn't understand any of it if I did.
And I know you're probably feeling sympathetic right now, like "Well at least he's trying to have a relationship with you and he's actually trying to reach out, cut him some slack, it could be way worse" and that would be true and fair enough, but that doesn't account for the fact that every single person including myself and my mom, who left him, has asked him to stop drinking if he really wants to have a relationship with us, and he outright refuses, and so we just treat him like a stupid old fool, because he always drinks himself into a drunken stupor every single day and so that's exactly how he acts. He just gets emotional when he's drunk, and that's when he wants to reach out, and that's alright I guess, but how about reaching out when you're sober and when I can actually kinda talk to you a little bit? How about use the one brain cell you have before you start drinking and try to figure out that you're an absolute burden and an old loser who needs to get his shit together, and could've had his shit together decades ago if you'd just fucking listen to every single person around you in your entire life who tells you to stop drinking? How about rub a couple of brain cells together when you're sober and realize you're the reason that your kids are losers too because you're our role model? How about a little give and take, especially when it's for your own good? That's what a relationship is, and that's what responsible adults do. But he refuses.
We're talking about the type of person who doesn't know any of their own usernames, passwords, or even his own email address. Because he never sat down and logged into any online service for himself ever, because he can't remember what a username and password even is. So every time he needs anything, which is all the time because he's always so drunk he can't understand what the english words on the TV screen are trying to tell him, I gotta come do the whole forgot your password rigamarole for every single account he has just so I can log into it again and figure out whatever issue he's having. Last shit I want to do after working a 10 or 12 hour shift, I just want to chill. And I have to do it for him because he acts like a helpless baby, and he's drunk and dumb as hell so I mean he can't do it for himself anyway even if he did give it a try. The type of person who looks at a screen that says a simple one-sentence message and an "okay" prompt, takes five minutes to read it, and then turns to me and asks "Should I click okay?" It's just so annoying because I've told him about a million times that if he just stopped drinking and tried to practice using technology while he was sober, he would get the hang of it, and that if he made his own accounts and passwords instead of having people do it for him and tell him what they picked for him when he's drunk and forgets, that he wouldn't have any of these problems logging into stuff to begin with, because it'd be burned into his memory like it is for the rest of us normal people who do our own things for ourselves. And he says okay, but then he just never does it. In one ear and out the other. Just like when I asked him all those years ago again and again to stop drinking so we could have a decent relationship, in one ear and out the other.
We're talking about the type of person who was 100% behind and invested in Trump to the point where he even bought a few hats and regularly made ridiculous, racist, and braindead pro-republican propaganda posts on facebook. To the point where he'd get himself banned all the time and then come tell me about how he's in facebook jail again for trying to spread the truth. Or, well he used to, before I just started reacting with straight up anger and hatred towards conservatism every time anything political came up, and explained to him about a million times why it's not okay to support awful people, and now he's gone from "Trump 2020" to "well I never liked politics anyway and I suggest you stop paying attention to it or talking about it too because I'm a lot happier now that I don't". So it's like, the only victory I can get with this man, is "I give up and you should too". And that's a reflection of his entire life. He gave up a long time ago and I just want it to be over for him and for me, because that would be easier than telling him that what I really want is to just move across the country and never see or hear from him again, not buy a house where I gotta live with him and keep dealing with this shit until he dies. This doesn't even address any of our personality clashes, like how I'm quiet and he's loud, I hate dumb shit but he literally cranks up the most low-intellect brain dead dadrock unironically because that's what speaks to him, I like to read and think and he can barely read and barely think, all he wants to do is not pay taxes on his mom's inheritance that he's going to get soon and buy a boat and a truck to haul it so he can sit on the water and drink beer, all I want is to be financially responsible and pay my bills and taxes and be fucking quiet and do the right thing, and maybe raise a kid that has respect for me.
I'm angry and bitter and I've probably said some very mean things here, but it's just how I feel. I've brought up all of this to him in person several times in explicit detail, and he just doesn't have the brainpower or memory or willpower, or simply doesn't care enough, to address any of it. I'm at a loss as to how I should engage with this. Thanks in advance for any help, and yes, I know I'm an asshole. I'm sorry. I'm just not happy.
TLDR: My dad started drinking when he was 17 and hasn't been sober a day since, I personally think his brain is mush even when he's sober but it's especially bad when he's drunk, and he's not violent or mean or anything it's just like dealing with a slobbering toddler and it annoys the piss out of me for several reasons, and because it's my dad, I'm obligated to take care of him and even buy a house where I can take care of him and he's going to continue to annoy the piss out of me doing literally everything I hate about humanity right within my earshot and line of sight until he dies a messy death that I have to clean up. Any tips on how to deal with this without just hating my own father? I believe there's a good person somewhere underneath the alcohol, as he's somewhat coherent when I see him in the morning before work, and he has a job so they must think he's coherent as well, but as soon as he gets home and the not-bud-light (because it's gay now) gets cracked open, the brain flies out the window and it's back to braindead loud redneck wrestling and rock music and old shit he's seen a million times that wasn't even good back in the day, and hollering for me to come take a look at it, when I literally can't even hear my own TV over his (across the house) and I hate the shit and have no interest in it anyway.