I was New England patriots fan for almost 50 years. I watched them through thick and then, but not once did i get the feeling the owners and the coaches didnt give a crap about the fans and were only concerned with cash and EGO.
Then new England drafted a guy named Tom Brady, his first year was nothing , his career was the greatest of all time. Then a coach decided to get an ego problem, after being in 8 super bowls and winning 6, he decides he isnt going to re-sign the greatest QB ever. management declines to re-sign him. Fans star yelling, let him go, hes gonna cost too much, were fine without him.
Then it happened.
We took all that money, didnt resign him and spent it on the most free agents in NFL history.
Brady went to another team that hadnt won in 20+ years.
The patriots failed miserably, all those free agents sucked , they got paid and did nothing.
Tom brady won the league MVP and the Superbowl, AGAIAN, with his new team, creating a whole new legacy away from his previous team.
The fans , and the coach, now have the worst team in their division, and onw of the worst in the entire NFL. They likely will never again see the inside of a superbowl, unless they buy a ticket, and sit in the stands.
The patriot's franchise makes so much money, new stadium, great concerts etc. one of the top money making franchises in the world, yet not a threat to the top of the NFL anymore.
​
Now you can also see the similarities here with Fenway Sports group CEO john henry, who also owns liverpool. He nickled and dimed the red sox to death letting 5 all stars and league MVPs walk off the team, to save cash, but he wont spend the cash, and as a result the red sox are a last place team just 3 years after winning it all.
​
Whats my point?
you think Daniel levy is going to sell harry kane and spend the money on new fantastic players to help this club?
KEEP DREAMING!!!
That money will go to building the new F1 track, maybe a cheese room, and a payoff to ENIC shareholders.
Or worse they will buy another bissouma tanganga richarlison trio for 125 million, who cant get out of their own way. Or maybe re-sign eric dier for 50 million for 5 years
and Spurs will be the next permanent member of the bottom of the premier league table. fighting off relegation year after year wishing they had kept kane for as long as possible.
​
let me give you a fact you CANNOT refute.
​
Harry Kane for one more season is worth more to winning, and to the players on the pitch, and success in the franchise, than 200m in Daniel levy's pockets is.
Daniel Levy getting paid means nothing to the players or to you as a fan. Stop acting like he will buy vini, and messi to show up and lead spurs. most of that money will go to pay off other debts, it WILL NOT g to the teams roster!

One hundred and forty-nine stairs. That’s how many there are to get up to the fire tower I’m posted at. I used to think getting up there meant safety. Now, I’m hoping it just means survival.
Climbing one hundred and forty-nine steps when you’re healthy is no small feat. When one of your legs has been torn to shreds, you’re bleeding from many places and you’re trying to get up there to wrap it, hoping there’s enough bandages so you don’t bleed to death, it’s a lot more difficult.
Then there are the stairs themselves which also count as a hazard when you have to hop up each one, causing pain to shoot through your injured leg. The stairs are skinny enough as they are, but the closer you get to the top, the smaller they get.
How do I know the exact number of steps? I counted them. I also counted which ones I miscalculated my jump, or brushed my foot against the step, or did something else that nearly sent me sailing over the rickety railing to my untimely death. The first time was one step number three, then fifteen, thirty-seven was a bad one, fifty-two, one oh seven, one-twenty, and finally one-forty-three. I guess it’s a good thing I’m deathly afraid of heights.
By now you may have figured out, I’m a park ranger. How did I end up playing this deadly game of hopscotch? It started a week ago when I got the job.
I was super excited, because I love working alone, and I love nature. What other job blends those two so well?
That excitement waned quite a bit when I arrived at the tower on my first day and looked up at those tiny metal steps I would have to climb to get to my job. The whole thing looked about as sturdy as if someone had built it with an erector set. I mean honestly, seeing surface rust on stairs that have to support your weight is terrifying, and I had to wonder how much I would be swaying when the wind really kicked up.
I wanted to close my eyes and just run up, but I didn’t dare. I paid attention to every single step, watching the metal bow under the weight of my foot, white-knuckling the railings as I went.
Finally, I reached the top and knocked on the trapdoor that had to be opened to let me in. I met the ranger who would be training me. His name was Bob, and he looked every bit how I envision a park ranger would look. Tall and thin, wiry but not scrawny, with a five o’clock shadow because he never had the time to shave properly.
Bob was one of those guys who seemed to always have a smirk on their face like they’ve just been told the greatest joke of all time, but they don’t want to let you in on it.
He spent the entire shift showing me around and then boring me to tears with all the little details of working in a fire tower. The place wasn’t bad. I was expecting an empty room with a card table and a radio, but this was nice. It reminded me of a small apartment or the inside of a small RV. There was a kitchenette with a microwave, sink, and minifridge. There was a couch and a couple of chairs, and most importantly, there was a bathroom.
At one point I thought there would be an outhouse at the base of the tower I would have to use. The thought of going down all those steps while holding number one or especially number two was something I didn’t even want to have nightmares about.
Just before the end of the shift, the next ranger came up. His name was Toby.
Toby looked nothing like I envisioned rangers looking like. He was overweight but made up for it by being under tall. He had a look of mischief in his eyes like a seventh grader who had just dropped a cherry bomb down the toilet and was trying to walk away looking nonchalant.
He smiled and shook my hand.
“So did Bob bore you to tears?” he said.
“Not quite to tears,” I said.
“Hey, I’m a good trainer,” Bob said looking offended yet still wearing that grin.
“Did you tell him everything?” Toby said.
“Pretty sure,” Bob said.
“Did you tell him about?” Toby leaned closer and whispered something in Bob’s ear that I couldn’t hear.
Bob’s grin grew.
“No, I didn’t tell him about that.”
“Maybe we should wait until he’s done training,” Toby said.
“What?” I said looking back and forth between them.
“We’ll tell you once you’re done job shadowing,” Bob said with that infuriating grin.
When we left, I was so focused on what they weren’t telling me, I nearly missed the first step and plunged to my death.
“Yeah, you’re gonna want to focus on those steps,” Bob said. “We had a coworker get hurt really bad because of them.”
“Is he ok now?”
Bob looked away.
Toby came over and volunteered, “He’s dead.”
That was definitely what I wanted to hear.
The next few days were a blur. Between total boredom with reading the procedure book and Bob grinning all the while refusing to tell me the big secret, I was getting super frustrated. I couldn’t wait for my first night working alone.
At least I had brought some supplies up to keep in the tower. Some snacks, a few books, and a tablet to make some notes on if I started writing a story.
Finally, the night came. I was working on my own for the first time. Surprisingly, Bob’s smile vanished as he told me.
“Did you ever read anything off of Reddit?” he said.
I shrugged.
“I don’t really read much other than books.”
“Sign up for Reddit, then go to the nosleep subreddit and look for a story called, ‘I was a park ranger stationed in a fire tower. It had a strange set of rules.’ Read that. It’ll tell you what to do.”
“Ok,” I said. “That’s the big secret? Read someone’s made-up story?”
“It might seem made up,” he said. “But trust me, follow the rules.”
I tried to read his expression to see if he was messing with me or not. In the five days I’d known him, there was never a time he wasn’t wearing that stupid grin, until now. His face was serious as a heart attack.
“Alright,” I said. “I’ll look it up later on my phone.”
“You really should do it as soon as I leave.”
“Ok.”
“Good luck.”
He stepped over to the door and went down the stairs. A few minutes later I heard his truck drive away.
“What the hell was that about?”
I stood in the middle of the room looking out at the beautiful trees, but not even seeing them. My mind was occupied by what Bob had said.
“It has to be a prank,” I said to the empty room. “Bob and Toby cooked this up to scare me on my first night. Well, I’m not falling for it.”
I did my first round of walking around on the outside walkway, looking for any sign of fires. We worked twelve-hour shifts, so I was working from seven am to seven pm. It was late summer and still warm enough to go without a jacket, at least on my first round. By the time I got to my fourth round, there was a chill in the air. I started doing my rounds from the inside and made a mental note to bring a jacket with me tomorrow.
It seemed odd to be talking about a jacket in late summer, but in the forest, the temperatures can vary wildly. It could be thirty degrees at night and eighty during the day.
I stepped back inside and saw my phone had lit up with a text message. I looked at it and it was Bob.
‘Did you read the rules yet?’
‘No,’ I texted back.
‘You don’t have much time.’
I knew this was a joke, it had to be a joke. The old timers pulling a fast one on the new guy, jerking his chain a little.
‘I’ll get right on it,’ I texted.
‘You better.’
I put my phone down and looked at the clock. It was ten minutes after ten. Outside was now completely dark, creating a very disconcerting illusion where when I would look outside, all I saw was my reflection. I decided to turn some lights off and go with just the bare minimum. That reduced the reflection some and I could see some trees outside.
I did a slow pan around, then grabbed a bag of chips and a soda, sat down, and worked on a crossword puzzle. That only lasted a half hour until I was bored with it. I picked up a book and started to read.
I woke sometime later, with my head resting on the back of the chair, chip crumbs all over my shirt, and the book laying on the floor.
I stretched and looked over at the clock. It read two-thirteen.
I jumped up, flinging the bag of chips to the floor, realizing I’d missed several checks, then ran around the room staring out at the trees. After my quick lap, I took a breath and did another slower lap to make sure there was no smoke. Thank God, there was none.
I chided myself for falling asleep on duty like that as I cleaned up my mess. I decided I should set an hourly alarm on my phone so that wouldn’t happen again.
When I picked up the phone I noticed there was a series of texts from Bob.
‘Did you read it yet?’
‘Why aren’t you answering?’
‘Are you alright?’
‘Don’t open the door for any reason.’
The last one sent chills down my spine.
Why would I open the door in the middle of the night?
As I was thinking this, another text came in.
‘For the love of God, read it!’
What the hell was wrong with this guy? Was he seriously losing sleep for a stupid joke?
I decided I would humor him and read the story. I opened my phone and went to the Reddit site. I had just signed up and put my information in when I heard static over the radio. I stepped to the receiver and checked it. Static blared out of it, making me jump as I heard a faint voice in it.
“Tower seven, do you read me?” I heard from a voice I could barely hear through the static.
I hesitated for a moment trying to remember if this was tower seven or not.
“Tower seven do you read me?” the voice said sounding a little more desperate.
I picked up the mic and keyed it.
“This is tower seven, go ahead.”
“It’s good to hear you tower seven,” the voice said suddenly clear. “I didn’t think you would answer.”
“Well, here I am, awake and alert, answering you,” I said. “What did you need?”
“I already have what I need,” the voice said sounding like it was chuckling. “I’d like to come visit if that’s alright.”
“Tower seven, this is base, who are you talking to?”
“I don’t know, someone on the radio,” I said into the mic.
“Seven, there’s no one else on this channel,” base said.
I got chills for a moment. What did that mean? How was I hearing someone that base couldn’t? Why would someone be calling now? Then it hit me that the base dispatcher was probably in on the joke too.
“Ok, base, maybe it was just some random transmission.”
“Tower seven,” the voice said. “Am I alright to come from a visit?”
I hesitated for a moment. What if it wasn’t a joke? Who the hell is walking through the forest at two thirty in the morning?
“Maybe we’ll do that visit another time,” I said.
“Visit?” base said. “What visit? Seven, you know it’s against policy to have visitors.”
“Yeah, sorry, base, I won’t be letting anyone visit.”
More static came over the radio. I could swear I could hear someone say something in the middle of it.
It sounded like, “We’ll see.”
I put down the mic and picked up my phone to read the story when I saw something off in the distance. It was a light, but it was hovering, like a helicopter. I switched my phone to camera mode, zoomed in, and took a picture. It was weird because the light was blue. I didn’t think helicopters had blue lights on them. Also, this light wasn’t flashing, it was solid the whole time. It came closer and I took another picture.
It floated even closer. It was mesmerizing. There was no sound. No hum, no whirring of tiny blades keeping it afloat like a drone, nothing. It was about the size of a basketball and glowing the most brilliant blue I’d ever seen. I reached out for it and it backed away from my hand. I took a step closer to the edge of the walkway, reaching out as far as my arm could stretch.
It backed away a few inches, just out of reach. I stood on my tiptoes, pushing against the railing trying to touch it. It moved away another inch.
I reached the tipping point and pinwheeled my arms to regain my balance and shove back against the railing.
I fell onto the walkway, landing hard on my backside and hitting the back of my head against the window. I looked up and the light was gone.
I shook my head, painfully stood up, and went back inside. I didn’t want to do a patrol but figured I’d better. After a slow walk around, I collapsed in the chair and set my alarm to go off in an hour.
After sitting there for a few minutes I could feel myself nodding off, so I opened my phone and started reading the story. After about ten minutes, I lowered my phone, eyes wide, hands shaking.
“It can’t be real,” I whispered. “It’s just a joke.”
I scrolled back through the story and re-read the rules.

1. Never, under any circumstances, leave the fire tower until you are relieved.
   
2. Turn off all lights between the hours of 2 and 3 am.
   
3. If you receive a radio transmission or phone call between those hours, do not answer.
   
4. If anyone knocks on the trapdoor during those hours tell them they’ll have to wait until morning. Do not open the door.
   
5. If you see a glowing object floating toward the tower, don’t look at it. Cover your eyes and count to 50. When you open your eyes it should be gone. If not, cover and count to 50 again.
   
6. If animals surround the tower don’t go down to look. Fire your flare gun into the air twice one minute apart, then lock yourself in the bathroom and hope for the best.
   My skepticism started to waver. How could they have known about those things, unless…
   

There was a powerful banging at the trapdoor that made me jump.
“Who is it?” I said.
No one answered.
I minute later, the pounding resumed. I searched for anything I could use as a weapon. Digging through the silverware drawer and finding an old, dull, paring knife, I backed as far away from the trapdoor as possible while staying inside. The pounding repeated. Somehow through the fear that coursed through my veins, I found my voice.
“You’ll have to come back in the morning,” I said.
“But I’m here now tower,” said the voice from the radio. “Let… me… in... ”
The last three words changed from asking to demanding. The voice also became deeper and more menacing.
I didn’t answer. I just slid down to the floor and hugged my knees holding the knife in front of me, silently searching through the story on my phone to see if there was something I missed, some way I could remedy the situation. But there was nothing, and the end of the story didn’t give me much hope.
I covered my ears and closed my eyes as the pounding continued now mixed with the voice that was going back and forth between pleading and threatening. It whispered then it screamed. It sound like a young boy, then it sounded demonic.
I rocked back and forth trying to keep some measure of sanity as the assault continued. I began to wonder how long the trapdoor would hold before whatever it was broke through.
Then suddenly it stopped.
As happy as I was that there was no more pounding and yelling, I didn’t trust it. My entire body was on pins and needles. It felt like the calm before the storm.
The fire tower shook. It felt like an earthquake, only different. I stood and went out to the walkway to see what was happening. When I looked down, I couldn’t believe it. The tower was surrounded by animals of all kinds. Deer, squirrels, bears, moose, any forest animal you could imagine, and even a couple I couldn’t and didn’t want to identify.
As I leaned over watching this strange menagerie, a moose rammed into one of the tower’s legs. It sent a shockwave through the entire metal framework. By the time it got up to me the tower was shaking so hard it made me lose my balance.
I toppled over the edge and fell. I threw my arm out attempting to catch the rail, but only touched it with my fingertips.
I knew I was falling to my death, there was no doubt. The wind rushing in my ears didn’t drown out the sound of my screaming. It sounded odd like I was listening to someone else scream. I closed my eyes, not wanting to know when the end was coming.
Suddenly something hit me hard in the ribs. I looked and I had hit a tree limb, but it didn’t stop me. The branch broke sending me falling again until I hit another branch. This one tore a gash on my leg as I flipped head over heels and fell again. The next branch grazed my head and made me see stars. I bounced off another branch hitting my shoulder, then took one to the knee, and landed flat on my back on the ground.
I lay there dazed, injured, but alive and surprised to be so. As I tried to regain my bearings, I saw the animals rushing over to me. I doubted they wanted me to pet them while they licked my wounds and cared for me while singing Disney songs.
I jumped up as pain rocked my body from more places than I wanted to think about. I hopped over to the tower steps and began my long arduous journey, just a half step away from a bunch of animals that seemed dead set on my destruction.
About halfway up I realized there was no more pursuit, so I slowed trying to conserve energy.
I got to the top, unlocked the hatch and tried to push it open. It took several tries to get enough strength while balancing on one leg standing on the tiniest of all the tiny steps. As soon as I got it open, I turned and slammed it shut, locking it.
I hobbled into the room, found the first aid box and struggled to get to the couch. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and forget this day ever happened.
I tried to easily lay myself down, but ended up collapsing in an excruciating heap.
Once down, I focused on bandaging the leg since it was losing the most blood. Once done, I proceeded to bandage all the rest of the areas that needed.
“How are you feeling, tower seven?” I heard the voice say over the radio.
I didn’t answer.
“Oh, come on now tower, don’t be like that,” it said. “Talk to me. Let me in and we’ll have a conversation.”
I lay there trying to think of anything other than pain and this voice.
“There has to be punishment for disobeying the rules.”
My blood ran cold. How did that thing know about the rules?
I reached into my pocket and was astonished that my phone was there. It had a cracked screen, but was usable. I texted Bob.
‘I’m alive, somehow. I broke half the rules without knowing it because I read the story too late.’
‘Are you alright?’
I took pictures of my bandaged leg that was wrapped but blood was still seeping through. I took pictures of my battered face, and my bruised ribs. I sent them all to Bob.
‘Good Lord, man, what did you do?’
‘I fell out of the tower.’
‘You did what?’
‘Was leaning over the edge of the walkway when one of the animals smashed into the support leg and shook the tower, knocking me over.’
‘How are you alive?’
‘Tree caught me.’
‘I’ll call the paramedics and come in early to relieve you.’
‘I’ll be laying here on the couch, bleeding.’
Then I added, ‘I’ll follow the rules from now on.’
There was static on the radio and a faint voice said, “You’d better.”
***
When Bob unlocked the hatch and led the EMTs in, he didn’t have that grin on his face.
“You ok, kid?” he said.
“Hunky dory, how about you?” I said laying on the cushions that were soaked in my own blood.
“He might be in shock,” one of the EMTs said.
My rescue was an adventure in itself. When they examined me they informed me that my leg was broken. I was sweating trying to go back down those steps with a splint on. I could just see me slipping near the top and falling again. There didn’t seem to be any trees close enough to catch me on this side.
Apparently, the EMTs seemed to be thinking the same thing. Someone came up with the brilliant idea of tying me to a backboard and trying to carry me down the steps. After two EMTs nearly fell, they decided to tie it to a rope and lower me like a sack of potatoes.
They rigged up a rope around one of the support poles for the walkway. Watching the rope scrape along the edges of the wood, fraying as it went was probably more terrifying than anything I’d experienced last night.
Floating in the air, spinning slowly didn’t help my fear of heights any. I decided to close my eyes and try to stay as still as possible so the balance wouldn’t be disturbed and slide me out of the end to fall to my death.
I was extremely grateful when the board hit the ground. My adrenaline finally crashed and I fell into a deep sleep as they loaded me into the ambulance.
***
Truth be told, I’m absolutely terrified to go back to the tower. It’s not like I have a lot of choices. Park ranger is a good paying job and sitting around watching for fires is about the easiest job I’ve ever heard of.
If you take away the supernatural voices, bizarre wildlife, strange lights, and the stairs of death.
I’m hoping paying attention to the rules will keep me safe.
I’m posting this as a warning. If your job has some strange rules, make sure you follow them, no matter how stupid you think they might be.

One hundred and forty-nine stairs. That’s how many there are to get up to the fire tower I’m posted at. I used to think getting up there meant safety. Now, I’m hoping it just means survival.
Climbing one hundred and forty-nine steps when you’re healthy is no small feat. When one of your legs has been torn to shreds, you’re bleeding from many places and you’re trying to get up there to wrap it, hoping there’s enough bandages so you don’t bleed to death, it’s a lot more difficult.
Then there are the stairs themselves which also count as a hazard when you have to hop up each one, causing pain to shoot through your injured leg. The stairs are skinny enough as they are, but the closer you get to the top, the smaller they get.
How do I know the exact number of steps? I counted them. I also counted which ones I miscalculated my jump, or brushed my foot against the step, or did something else that nearly sent me sailing over the rickety railing to my untimely death. The first time was one step number three, then fifteen, thirty-seven was a bad one, fifty-two, one oh seven, one-twenty, and finally one-forty-three. I guess it’s a good thing I’m deathly afraid of heights.
By now you may have figured out, I’m a park ranger. How did I end up playing this deadly game of hopscotch? It started a week ago when I got the job.
I was super excited, because I love working alone, and I love nature. What other job blends those two so well?
That excitement waned quite a bit when I arrived at the tower on my first day and looked up at those tiny metal steps I would have to climb to get to my job. The whole thing looked about as sturdy as if someone had built it with an erector set. I mean honestly, seeing surface rust on stairs that have to support your weight is terrifying, and I had to wonder how much I would be swaying when the wind really kicked up.
I wanted to close my eyes and just run up, but I didn’t dare. I paid attention to every single step, watching the metal bow under the weight of my foot, white-knuckling the railings as I went.
Finally, I reached the top and knocked on the trapdoor that had to be opened to let me in. I met the ranger who would be training me. His name was Bob, and he looked every bit how I envision a park ranger would look. Tall and thin, wiry but not scrawny, with a five o’clock shadow because he never had the time to shave properly.
Bob was one of those guys who seemed to always have a smirk on their face like they’ve just been told the greatest joke of all time, but they don’t want to let you in on it.
He spent the entire shift showing me around and then boring me to tears with all the little details of working in a fire tower. The place wasn’t bad. I was expecting an empty room with a card table and a radio, but this was nice. It reminded me of a small apartment or the inside of a small RV. There was a kitchenette with a microwave, sink, and minifridge. There was a couch and a couple of chairs, and most importantly, there was a bathroom.
At one point I thought there would be an outhouse at the base of the tower I would have to use. The thought of going down all those steps while holding number one or especially number two was something I didn’t even want to have nightmares about.
Just before the end of the shift, the next ranger came up. His name was Toby.
Toby looked nothing like I envisioned rangers looking like. He was overweight but made up for it by being under tall. He had a look of mischief in his eyes like a seventh grader who had just dropped a cherry bomb down the toilet and was trying to walk away looking nonchalant.
He smiled and shook my hand.
“So did Bob bore you to tears?” he said.
“Not quite to tears,” I said.
“Hey, I’m a good trainer,” Bob said looking offended yet still wearing that grin.
“Did you tell him everything?” Toby said.
“Pretty sure,” Bob said.
“Did you tell him about?” Toby leaned closer and whispered something in Bob’s ear that I couldn’t hear.
Bob’s grin grew.
“No, I didn’t tell him about that.”
“Maybe we should wait until he’s done training,” Toby said.
“What?” I said looking back and forth between them.
“We’ll tell you once you’re done job shadowing,” Bob said with that infuriating grin.
When we left, I was so focused on what they weren’t telling me, I nearly missed the first step and plunged to my death.
“Yeah, you’re gonna want to focus on those steps,” Bob said. “We had a coworker get hurt really bad because of them.”
“Is he ok now?”
Bob looked away.
Toby came over and volunteered, “He’s dead.”
That was definitely what I wanted to hear.
The next few days were a blur. Between total boredom with reading the procedure book and Bob grinning all the while refusing to tell me the big secret, I was getting super frustrated. I couldn’t wait for my first night working alone.
At least I had brought some supplies up to keep in the tower. Some snacks, a few books, and a tablet to make some notes on if I started writing a story.
Finally, the night came. I was working on my own for the first time. Surprisingly, Bob’s smile vanished as he told me.
“Did you ever read anything off of Reddit?” he said.
I shrugged.
“I don’t really read much other than books.”
“Sign up for Reddit, then go to the nosleep subreddit and look for a story called, ‘I was a park ranger stationed in a fire tower. It had a strange set of rules.’ Read that. It’ll tell you what to do.”
“Ok,” I said. “That’s the big secret? Read someone’s made-up story?”
“It might seem made up,” he said. “But trust me, follow the rules.”
I tried to read his expression to see if he was messing with me or not. In the five days I’d known him, there was never a time he wasn’t wearing that stupid grin, until now. His face was serious as a heart attack.
“Alright,” I said. “I’ll look it up later on my phone.”
“You really should do it as soon as I leave.”
“Ok.”
“Good luck.”
He stepped over to the door and went down the stairs. A few minutes later I heard his truck drive away.
“What the hell was that about?”
I stood in the middle of the room looking out at the beautiful trees, but not even seeing them. My mind was occupied by what Bob had said.
“It has to be a prank,” I said to the empty room. “Bob and Toby cooked this up to scare me on my first night. Well, I’m not falling for it.”
I did my first round of walking around on the outside walkway, looking for any sign of fires. We worked twelve-hour shifts, so I was working from seven am to seven pm. It was late summer and still warm enough to go without a jacket, at least on my first round. By the time I got to my fourth round, there was a chill in the air. I started doing my rounds from the inside and made a mental note to bring a jacket with me tomorrow.
It seemed odd to be talking about a jacket in late summer, but in the forest, the temperatures can vary wildly. It could be thirty degrees at night and eighty during the day.
I stepped back inside and saw my phone had lit up with a text message. I looked at it and it was Bob.
‘Did you read the rules yet?’
‘No,’ I texted back.
‘You don’t have much time.’
I knew this was a joke, it had to be a joke. The old timers pulling a fast one on the new guy, jerking his chain a little.
‘I’ll get right on it,’ I texted.
‘You better.’
I put my phone down and looked at the clock. It was ten minutes after ten. Outside was now completely dark, creating a very disconcerting illusion where when I would look outside, all I saw was my reflection. I decided to turn some lights off and go with just the bare minimum. That reduced the reflection some and I could see some trees outside.
I did a slow pan around, then grabbed a bag of chips and a soda, sat down, and worked on a crossword puzzle. That only lasted a half hour until I was bored with it. I picked up a book and started to read.
I woke sometime later, with my head resting on the back of the chair, chip crumbs all over my shirt, and the book laying on the floor.
I stretched and looked over at the clock. It read two-thirteen.
I jumped up, flinging the bag of chips to the floor, realizing I’d missed several checks, then ran around the room staring out at the trees. After my quick lap, I took a breath and did another slower lap to make sure there was no smoke. Thank God, there was none.
I chided myself for falling asleep on duty like that as I cleaned up my mess. I decided I should set an hourly alarm on my phone so that wouldn’t happen again.
When I picked up the phone I noticed there was a series of texts from Bob.
‘Did you read it yet?’
‘Why aren’t you answering?’
‘Are you alright?’
‘Don’t open the door for any reason.’
The last one sent chills down my spine.
Why would I open the door in the middle of the night?
As I was thinking this, another text came in.
‘For the love of God, read it!’
What the hell was wrong with this guy? Was he seriously losing sleep for a stupid joke?
I decided I would humor him and read the story. I opened my phone and went to the Reddit site. I had just signed up and put my information in when I heard static over the radio. I stepped to the receiver and checked it. Static blared out of it, making me jump as I heard a faint voice in it.
“Tower seven, do you read me?” I heard from a voice I could barely hear through the static.
I hesitated for a moment trying to remember if this was tower seven or not.
“Tower seven do you read me?” the voice said sounding a little more desperate.
I picked up the mic and keyed it.
“This is tower seven, go ahead.”
“It’s good to hear you tower seven,” the voice said suddenly clear. “I didn’t think you would answer.”
“Well, here I am, awake and alert, answering you,” I said. “What did you need?”
“I already have what I need,” the voice said sounding like it was chuckling. “I’d like to come visit if that’s alright.”
“Tower seven, this is base, who are you talking to?”
“I don’t know, someone on the radio,” I said into the mic.
“Seven, there’s no one else on this channel,” base said.
I got chills for a moment. What did that mean? How was I hearing someone that base couldn’t? Why would someone be calling now? Then it hit me that the base dispatcher was probably in on the joke too.
“Ok, base, maybe it was just some random transmission.”
“Tower seven,” the voice said. “Am I alright to come from a visit?”
I hesitated for a moment. What if it wasn’t a joke? Who the hell is walking through the forest at two thirty in the morning?
“Maybe we’ll do that visit another time,” I said.
“Visit?” base said. “What visit? Seven, you know it’s against policy to have visitors.”
“Yeah, sorry, base, I won’t be letting anyone visit.”
More static came over the radio. I could swear I could hear someone say something in the middle of it.
It sounded like, “We’ll see.”
I put down the mic and picked up my phone to read the story when I saw something off in the distance. It was a light, but it was hovering, like a helicopter. I switched my phone to camera mode, zoomed in, and took a picture. It was weird because the light was blue. I didn’t think helicopters had blue lights on them. Also, this light wasn’t flashing, it was solid the whole time. It came closer and I took another picture.
It floated even closer. It was mesmerizing. There was no sound. No hum, no whirring of tiny blades keeping it afloat like a drone, nothing. It was about the size of a basketball and glowing the most brilliant blue I’d ever seen. I reached out for it and it backed away from my hand. I took a step closer to the edge of the walkway, reaching out as far as my arm could stretch.
It backed away a few inches, just out of reach. I stood on my tiptoes, pushing against the railing trying to touch it. It moved away another inch.
I reached the tipping point and pinwheeled my arms to regain my balance and shove back against the railing.
I fell onto the walkway, landing hard on my backside and hitting the back of my head against the window. I looked up and the light was gone.
I shook my head, painfully stood up, and went back inside. I didn’t want to do a patrol but figured I’d better. After a slow walk around, I collapsed in the chair and set my alarm to go off in an hour.
After sitting there for a few minutes I could feel myself nodding off, so I opened my phone and started reading the story. After about ten minutes, I lowered my phone, eyes wide, hands shaking.
“It can’t be real,” I whispered. “It’s just a joke.”
I scrolled back through the story and re-read the rules.

1. Never, under any circumstances, leave the fire tower until you are relieved.
   
2. Turn off all lights between the hours of 2 and 3 am.
   
3. If you receive a radio transmission or phone call between those hours, do not answer.
   
4. If anyone knocks on the trapdoor during those hours tell them they’ll have to wait until morning. Do not open the door.
   
5. If you see a glowing object floating toward the tower, don’t look at it. Cover your eyes and count to 50. When you open your eyes it should be gone. If not, cover and count to 50 again.
   
6. If animals surround the tower don’t go down to look. Fire your flare gun into the air twice one minute apart, then lock yourself in the bathroom and hope for the best.
   My skepticism started to waver. How could they have known about those things, unless…
   

There was a powerful banging at the trapdoor that made me jump.
“Who is it?” I said.
No one answered.
I minute later, the pounding resumed. I searched for anything I could use as a weapon. Digging through the silverware drawer and finding an old, dull, paring knife, I backed as far away from the trapdoor as possible while staying inside. The pounding repeated. Somehow through the fear that coursed through my veins, I found my voice.
“You’ll have to come back in the morning,” I said.
“But I’m here now tower,” said the voice from the radio. “Let… me… in... ”
The last three words changed from asking to demanding. The voice also became deeper and more menacing.
I didn’t answer. I just slid down to the floor and hugged my knees holding the knife in front of me, silently searching through the story on my phone to see if there was something I missed, some way I could remedy the situation. But there was nothing, and the end of the story didn’t give me much hope.
I covered my ears and closed my eyes as the pounding continued now mixed with the voice that was going back and forth between pleading and threatening. It whispered then it screamed. It sound like a young boy, then it sounded demonic.
I rocked back and forth trying to keep some measure of sanity as the assault continued. I began to wonder how long the trapdoor would hold before whatever it was broke through.
Then suddenly it stopped.
As happy as I was that there was no more pounding and yelling, I didn’t trust it. My entire body was on pins and needles. It felt like the calm before the storm.
The fire tower shook. It felt like an earthquake, only different. I stood and went out to the walkway to see what was happening. When I looked down, I couldn’t believe it. The tower was surrounded by animals of all kinds. Deer, squirrels, bears, moose, any forest animal you could imagine, and even a couple I couldn’t and didn’t want to identify.
As I leaned over watching this strange menagerie, a moose rammed into one of the tower’s legs. It sent a shockwave through the entire metal framework. By the time it got up to me the tower was shaking so hard it made me lose my balance.
I toppled over the edge and fell. I threw my arm out attempting to catch the rail, but only touched it with my fingertips.
I knew I was falling to my death, there was no doubt. The wind rushing in my ears didn’t drown out the sound of my screaming. It sounded odd like I was listening to someone else scream. I closed my eyes, not wanting to know when the end was coming.
Suddenly something hit me hard in the ribs. I looked and I had hit a tree limb, but it didn’t stop me. The branch broke sending me falling again until I hit another branch. This one tore a gash on my leg as I flipped head over heels and fell again. The next branch grazed my head and made me see stars. I bounced off another branch hitting my shoulder, then took one to the knee, and landed flat on my back on the ground.
I lay there dazed, injured, but alive and surprised to be so. As I tried to regain my bearings, I saw the animals rushing over to me. I doubted they wanted me to pet them while they licked my wounds and cared for me while singing Disney songs.
I jumped up as pain rocked my body from more places than I wanted to think about. I hopped over to the tower steps and began my long arduous journey, just a half step away from a bunch of animals that seemed dead set on my destruction.
About halfway up I realized there was no more pursuit, so I slowed trying to conserve energy.
I got to the top, unlocked the hatch and tried to push it open. It took several tries to get enough strength while balancing on one leg standing on the tiniest of all the tiny steps. As soon as I got it open, I turned and slammed it shut, locking it.
I hobbled into the room, found the first aid box and struggled to get to the couch. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and forget this day ever happened.
I tried to easily lay myself down, but ended up collapsing in an excruciating heap.
Once down, I focused on bandaging the leg since it was losing the most blood. Once done, I proceeded to bandage all the rest of the areas that needed.
“How are you feeling, tower seven?” I heard the voice say over the radio.
I didn’t answer.
“Oh, come on now tower, don’t be like that,” it said. “Talk to me. Let me in and we’ll have a conversation.”
I lay there trying to think of anything other than pain and this voice.
“There has to be punishment for disobeying the rules.”
My blood ran cold. How did that thing know about the rules?
I reached into my pocket and was astonished that my phone was there. It had a cracked screen, but was usable. I texted Bob.
‘I’m alive, somehow. I broke half the rules without knowing it because I read the story too late.’
‘Are you alright?’
I took pictures of my bandaged leg that was wrapped but blood was still seeping through. I took pictures of my battered face, and my bruised ribs. I sent them all to Bob.
‘Good Lord, man, what did you do?’
‘I fell out of the tower.’
‘You did what?’
‘Was leaning over the edge of the walkway when one of the animals smashed into the support leg and shook the tower, knocking me over.’
‘How are you alive?’
‘Tree caught me.’
‘I’ll call the paramedics and come in early to relieve you.’
‘I’ll be laying here on the couch, bleeding.’
Then I added, ‘I’ll follow the rules from now on.’
There was static on the radio and a faint voice said, “You’d better.”
***
When Bob unlocked the hatch and led the EMTs in, he didn’t have that grin on his face.
“You ok, kid?” he said.
“Hunky dory, how about you?” I said laying on the cushions that were soaked in my own blood.
“He might be in shock,” one of the EMTs said.
My rescue was an adventure in itself. When they examined me they informed me that my leg was broken. I was sweating trying to go back down those steps with a splint on. I could just see me slipping near the top and falling again. There didn’t seem to be any trees close enough to catch me on this side.
Apparently, the EMTs seemed to be thinking the same thing. Someone came up with the brilliant idea of tying me to a backboard and trying to carry me down the steps. After two EMTs nearly fell, they decided to tie it to a rope and lower me like a sack of potatoes.
They rigged up a rope around one of the support poles for the walkway. Watching the rope scrape along the edges of the wood, fraying as it went was probably more terrifying than anything I’d experienced last night.
Floating in the air, spinning slowly didn’t help my fear of heights any. I decided to close my eyes and try to stay as still as possible so the balance wouldn’t be disturbed and slide me out of the end to fall to my death.
I was extremely grateful when the board hit the ground. My adrenaline finally crashed and I fell into a deep sleep as they loaded me into the ambulance.
***
Truth be told, I’m absolutely terrified to go back to the tower. It’s not like I have a lot of choices. Park ranger is a good paying job and sitting around watching for fires is about the easiest job I’ve ever heard of.
If you take away the supernatural voices, bizarre wildlife, strange lights, and the stairs of death.
I’m hoping paying attention to the rules will keep me safe.
I’m posting this as a warning. If your job has some strange rules, make sure you follow them, no matter how stupid you think they might be.

One hundred and forty-nine stairs. That’s how many there are to get up to the fire tower I’m posted at. I used to think getting up there meant safety. Now, I’m hoping it just means survival.
Climbing one hundred and forty-nine steps when you’re healthy is no small feat. When one of your legs has been torn to shreds, you’re bleeding from many places and you’re trying to get up there to wrap it, hoping there’s enough bandages so you don’t bleed to death, it’s a lot more difficult.
Then there are the stairs themselves which also count as a hazard when you have to hop up each one, causing pain to shoot through your injured leg. The stairs are skinny enough as they are, but the closer you get to the top, the smaller they get.
How do I know the exact number of steps? I counted them. I also counted which ones I miscalculated my jump, or brushed my foot against the step, or did something else that nearly sent me sailing over the rickety railing to my untimely death. The first time was one step number three, then fifteen, thirty-seven was a bad one, fifty-two, one oh seven, one-twenty, and finally one-forty-three. I guess it’s a good thing I’m deathly afraid of heights.
By now you may have figured out, I’m a park ranger. How did I end up playing this deadly game of hopscotch? It started a week ago when I got the job.
I was super excited, because I love working alone, and I love nature. What other job blends those two so well?
That excitement waned quite a bit when I arrived at the tower on my first day and looked up at those tiny metal steps I would have to climb to get to my job. The whole thing looked about as sturdy as if someone had built it with an erector set. I mean honestly, seeing surface rust on stairs that have to support your weight is terrifying, and I had to wonder how much I would be swaying when the wind really kicked up.
I wanted to close my eyes and just run up, but I didn’t dare. I paid attention to every single step, watching the metal bow under the weight of my foot, white-knuckling the railings as I went.
Finally, I reached the top and knocked on the trapdoor that had to be opened to let me in. I met the ranger who would be training me. His name was Bob, and he looked every bit how I envision a park ranger would look. Tall and thin, wiry but not scrawny, with a five o’clock shadow because he never had the time to shave properly.
Bob was one of those guys who seemed to always have a smirk on their face like they’ve just been told the greatest joke of all time, but they don’t want to let you in on it.
He spent the entire shift showing me around and then boring me to tears with all the little details of working in a fire tower. The place wasn’t bad. I was expecting an empty room with a card table and a radio, but this was nice. It reminded me of a small apartment or the inside of a small RV. There was a kitchenette with a microwave, sink, and minifridge. There was a couch and a couple of chairs, and most importantly, there was a bathroom.
At one point I thought there would be an outhouse at the base of the tower I would have to use. The thought of going down all those steps while holding number one or especially number two was something I didn’t even want to have nightmares about.
Just before the end of the shift, the next ranger came up. His name was Toby.
Toby looked nothing like I envisioned rangers looking like. He was overweight but made up for it by being under tall. He had a look of mischief in his eyes like a seventh grader who had just dropped a cherry bomb down the toilet and was trying to walk away looking nonchalant.
He smiled and shook my hand.
“So did Bob bore you to tears?” he said.
“Not quite to tears,” I said.
“Hey, I’m a good trainer,” Bob said looking offended yet still wearing that grin.
“Did you tell him everything?” Toby said.
“Pretty sure,” Bob said.
“Did you tell him about?” Toby leaned closer and whispered something in Bob’s ear that I couldn’t hear.
Bob’s grin grew.
“No, I didn’t tell him about that.”
“Maybe we should wait until he’s done training,” Toby said.
“What?” I said looking back and forth between them.
“We’ll tell you once you’re done job shadowing,” Bob said with that infuriating grin.
When we left, I was so focused on what they weren’t telling me, I nearly missed the first step and plunged to my death.
“Yeah, you’re gonna want to focus on those steps,” Bob said. “We had a coworker get hurt really bad because of them.”
“Is he ok now?”
Bob looked away.
Toby came over and volunteered, “He’s dead.”
That was definitely what I wanted to hear.
The next few days were a blur. Between total boredom with reading the procedure book and Bob grinning all the while refusing to tell me the big secret, I was getting super frustrated. I couldn’t wait for my first night working alone.
At least I had brought some supplies up to keep in the tower. Some snacks, a few books, and a tablet to make some notes on if I started writing a story.
Finally, the night came. I was working on my own for the first time. Surprisingly, Bob’s smile vanished as he told me.
“Did you ever read anything off of Reddit?” he said.
I shrugged.
“I don’t really read much other than books.”
“Sign up for Reddit, then go to the nosleep subreddit and look for a story called, ‘I was a park ranger stationed in a fire tower. It had a strange set of rules.’ Read that. It’ll tell you what to do.”
“Ok,” I said. “That’s the big secret? Read someone’s made-up story?”
“It might seem made up,” he said. “But trust me, follow the rules.”
I tried to read his expression to see if he was messing with me or not. In the five days I’d known him, there was never a time he wasn’t wearing that stupid grin, until now. His face was serious as a heart attack.
“Alright,” I said. “I’ll look it up later on my phone.”
“You really should do it as soon as I leave.”
“Ok.”
“Good luck.”
He stepped over to the door and went down the stairs. A few minutes later I heard his truck drive away.
“What the hell was that about?”
I stood in the middle of the room looking out at the beautiful trees, but not even seeing them. My mind was occupied by what Bob had said.
“It has to be a prank,” I said to the empty room. “Bob and Toby cooked this up to scare me on my first night. Well, I’m not falling for it.”
I did my first round of walking around on the outside walkway, looking for any sign of fires. We worked twelve-hour shifts, so I was working from seven am to seven pm. It was late summer and still warm enough to go without a jacket, at least on my first round. By the time I got to my fourth round, there was a chill in the air. I started doing my rounds from the inside and made a mental note to bring a jacket with me tomorrow.
It seemed odd to be talking about a jacket in late summer, but in the forest, the temperatures can vary wildly. It could be thirty degrees at night and eighty during the day.
I stepped back inside and saw my phone had lit up with a text message. I looked at it and it was Bob.
‘Did you read the rules yet?’
‘No,’ I texted back.
‘You don’t have much time.’
I knew this was a joke, it had to be a joke. The old timers pulling a fast one on the new guy, jerking his chain a little.
‘I’ll get right on it,’ I texted.
‘You better.’
I put my phone down and looked at the clock. It was ten minutes after ten. Outside was now completely dark, creating a very disconcerting illusion where when I would look outside, all I saw was my reflection. I decided to turn some lights off and go with just the bare minimum. That reduced the reflection some and I could see some trees outside.
I did a slow pan around, then grabbed a bag of chips and a soda, sat down, and worked on a crossword puzzle. That only lasted a half hour until I was bored with it. I picked up a book and started to read.
I woke sometime later, with my head resting on the back of the chair, chip crumbs all over my shirt, and the book laying on the floor.
I stretched and looked over at the clock. It read two-thirteen.
I jumped up, flinging the bag of chips to the floor, realizing I’d missed several checks, then ran around the room staring out at the trees. After my quick lap, I took a breath and did another slower lap to make sure there was no smoke. Thank God, there was none.
I chided myself for falling asleep on duty like that as I cleaned up my mess. I decided I should set an hourly alarm on my phone so that wouldn’t happen again.
When I picked up the phone I noticed there was a series of texts from Bob.
‘Did you read it yet?’
‘Why aren’t you answering?’
‘Are you alright?’
‘Don’t open the door for any reason.’
The last one sent chills down my spine.
Why would I open the door in the middle of the night?
As I was thinking this, another text came in.
‘For the love of God, read it!’
What the hell was wrong with this guy? Was he seriously losing sleep for a stupid joke?
I decided I would humor him and read the story. I opened my phone and went to the Reddit site. I had just signed up and put my information in when I heard static over the radio. I stepped to the receiver and checked it. Static blared out of it, making me jump as I heard a faint voice in it.
“Tower seven, do you read me?” I heard from a voice I could barely hear through the static.
I hesitated for a moment trying to remember if this was tower seven or not.
“Tower seven do you read me?” the voice said sounding a little more desperate.
I picked up the mic and keyed it.
“This is tower seven, go ahead.”
“It’s good to hear you tower seven,” the voice said suddenly clear. “I didn’t think you would answer.”
“Well, here I am, awake and alert, answering you,” I said. “What did you need?”
“I already have what I need,” the voice said sounding like it was chuckling. “I’d like to come visit if that’s alright.”
“Tower seven, this is base, who are you talking to?”
“I don’t know, someone on the radio,” I said into the mic.
“Seven, there’s no one else on this channel,” base said.
I got chills for a moment. What did that mean? How was I hearing someone that base couldn’t? Why would someone be calling now? Then it hit me that the base dispatcher was probably in on the joke too.
“Ok, base, maybe it was just some random transmission.”
“Tower seven,” the voice said. “Am I alright to come from a visit?”
I hesitated for a moment. What if it wasn’t a joke? Who the hell is walking through the forest at two thirty in the morning?
“Maybe we’ll do that visit another time,” I said.
“Visit?” base said. “What visit? Seven, you know it’s against policy to have visitors.”
“Yeah, sorry, base, I won’t be letting anyone visit.”
More static came over the radio. I could swear I could hear someone say something in the middle of it.
It sounded like, “We’ll see.”
I put down the mic and picked up my phone to read the story when I saw something off in the distance. It was a light, but it was hovering, like a helicopter. I switched my phone to camera mode, zoomed in, and took a picture. It was weird because the light was blue. I didn’t think helicopters had blue lights on them. Also, this light wasn’t flashing, it was solid the whole time. It came closer and I took another picture.
It floated even closer. It was mesmerizing. There was no sound. No hum, no whirring of tiny blades keeping it afloat like a drone, nothing. It was about the size of a basketball and glowing the most brilliant blue I’d ever seen. I reached out for it and it backed away from my hand. I took a step closer to the edge of the walkway, reaching out as far as my arm could stretch.
It backed away a few inches, just out of reach. I stood on my tiptoes, pushing against the railing trying to touch it. It moved away another inch.
I reached the tipping point and pinwheeled my arms to regain my balance and shove back against the railing.
I fell onto the walkway, landing hard on my backside and hitting the back of my head against the window. I looked up and the light was gone.
I shook my head, painfully stood up, and went back inside. I didn’t want to do a patrol but figured I’d better. After a slow walk around, I collapsed in the chair and set my alarm to go off in an hour.
After sitting there for a few minutes I could feel myself nodding off, so I opened my phone and started reading the story. After about ten minutes, I lowered my phone, eyes wide, hands shaking.
“It can’t be real,” I whispered. “It’s just a joke.”
I scrolled back through the story and re-read the rules.

1. Never, under any circumstances, leave the fire tower until you are relieved.
   
2. Turn off all lights between the hours of 2 and 3 am.
   
3. If you receive a radio transmission or phone call between those hours, do not answer.
   
4. If anyone knocks on the trapdoor during those hours tell them they’ll have to wait until morning. Do not open the door.
   
5. If you see a glowing object floating toward the tower, don’t look at it. Cover your eyes and count to 50. When you open your eyes it should be gone. If not, cover and count to 50 again.
   
6. If animals surround the tower don’t go down to look. Fire your flare gun into the air twice one minute apart, then lock yourself in the bathroom and hope for the best.
   My skepticism started to waver. How could they have known about those things, unless…
   

There was a powerful banging at the trapdoor that made me jump.
“Who is it?” I said.
No one answered.
I minute later, the pounding resumed. I searched for anything I could use as a weapon. Digging through the silverware drawer and finding an old, dull, paring knife, I backed as far away from the trapdoor as possible while staying inside. The pounding repeated. Somehow through the fear that coursed through my veins, I found my voice.
“You’ll have to come back in the morning,” I said.
“But I’m here now tower,” said the voice from the radio. “Let… me… in... ”
The last three words changed from asking to demanding. The voice also became deeper and more menacing.
I didn’t answer. I just slid down to the floor and hugged my knees holding the knife in front of me, silently searching through the story on my phone to see if there was something I missed, some way I could remedy the situation. But there was nothing, and the end of the story didn’t give me much hope.
I covered my ears and closed my eyes as the pounding continued now mixed with the voice that was going back and forth between pleading and threatening. It whispered then it screamed. It sound like a young boy, then it sounded demonic.
I rocked back and forth trying to keep some measure of sanity as the assault continued. I began to wonder how long the trapdoor would hold before whatever it was broke through.
Then suddenly it stopped.
As happy as I was that there was no more pounding and yelling, I didn’t trust it. My entire body was on pins and needles. It felt like the calm before the storm.
The fire tower shook. It felt like an earthquake, only different. I stood and went out to the walkway to see what was happening. When I looked down, I couldn’t believe it. The tower was surrounded by animals of all kinds. Deer, squirrels, bears, moose, any forest animal you could imagine, and even a couple I couldn’t and didn’t want to identify.
As I leaned over watching this strange menagerie, a moose rammed into one of the tower’s legs. It sent a shockwave through the entire metal framework. By the time it got up to me the tower was shaking so hard it made me lose my balance.
I toppled over the edge and fell. I threw my arm out attempting to catch the rail, but only touched it with my fingertips.
I knew I was falling to my death, there was no doubt. The wind rushing in my ears didn’t drown out the sound of my screaming. It sounded odd like I was listening to someone else scream. I closed my eyes, not wanting to know when the end was coming.
Suddenly something hit me hard in the ribs. I looked and I had hit a tree limb, but it didn’t stop me. The branch broke sending me falling again until I hit another branch. This one tore a gash on my leg as I flipped head over heels and fell again. The next branch grazed my head and made me see stars. I bounced off another branch hitting my shoulder, then took one to the knee, and landed flat on my back on the ground.
I lay there dazed, injured, but alive and surprised to be so. As I tried to regain my bearings, I saw the animals rushing over to me. I doubted they wanted me to pet them while they licked my wounds and cared for me while singing Disney songs.
I jumped up as pain rocked my body from more places than I wanted to think about. I hopped over to the tower steps and began my long arduous journey, just a half step away from a bunch of animals that seemed dead set on my destruction.
About halfway up I realized there was no more pursuit, so I slowed trying to conserve energy.
I got to the top, unlocked the hatch and tried to push it open. It took several tries to get enough strength while balancing on one leg standing on the tiniest of all the tiny steps. As soon as I got it open, I turned and slammed it shut, locking it.
I hobbled into the room, found the first aid box and struggled to get to the couch. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and forget this day ever happened.
I tried to easily lay myself down, but ended up collapsing in an excruciating heap.
Once down, I focused on bandaging the leg since it was losing the most blood. Once done, I proceeded to bandage all the rest of the areas that needed.
“How are you feeling, tower seven?” I heard the voice say over the radio.
I didn’t answer.
“Oh, come on now tower, don’t be like that,” it said. “Talk to me. Let me in and we’ll have a conversation.”
I lay there trying to think of anything other than pain and this voice.
“There has to be punishment for disobeying the rules.”
My blood ran cold. How did that thing know about the rules?
I reached into my pocket and was astonished that my phone was there. It had a cracked screen, but was usable. I texted Bob.
‘I’m alive, somehow. I broke half the rules without knowing it because I read the story too late.’
‘Are you alright?’
I took pictures of my bandaged leg that was wrapped but blood was still seeping through. I took pictures of my battered face, and my bruised ribs. I sent them all to Bob.
‘Good Lord, man, what did you do?’
‘I fell out of the tower.’
‘You did what?’
‘Was leaning over the edge of the walkway when one of the animals smashed into the support leg and shook the tower, knocking me over.’
‘How are you alive?’
‘Tree caught me.’
‘I’ll call the paramedics and come in early to relieve you.’
‘I’ll be laying here on the couch, bleeding.’
Then I added, ‘I’ll follow the rules from now on.’
There was static on the radio and a faint voice said, “You’d better.”
***
When Bob unlocked the hatch and led the EMTs in, he didn’t have that grin on his face.
“You ok, kid?” he said.
“Hunky dory, how about you?” I said laying on the cushions that were soaked in my own blood.
“He might be in shock,” one of the EMTs said.
My rescue was an adventure in itself. When they examined me they informed me that my leg was broken. I was sweating trying to go back down those steps with a splint on. I could just see me slipping near the top and falling again. There didn’t seem to be any trees close enough to catch me on this side.
Apparently, the EMTs seemed to be thinking the same thing. Someone came up with the brilliant idea of tying me to a backboard and trying to carry me down the steps. After two EMTs nearly fell, they decided to tie it to a rope and lower me like a sack of potatoes.
They rigged up a rope around one of the support poles for the walkway. Watching the rope scrape along the edges of the wood, fraying as it went was probably more terrifying than anything I’d experienced last night.
Floating in the air, spinning slowly didn’t help my fear of heights any. I decided to close my eyes and try to stay as still as possible so the balance wouldn’t be disturbed and slide me out of the end to fall to my death.
I was extremely grateful when the board hit the ground. My adrenaline finally crashed and I fell into a deep sleep as they loaded me into the ambulance.
***
Truth be told, I’m absolutely terrified to go back to the tower. It’s not like I have a lot of choices. Park ranger is a good paying job and sitting around watching for fires is about the easiest job I’ve ever heard of.
If you take away the supernatural voices, bizarre wildlife, strange lights, and the stairs of death.
I’m hoping paying attention to the rules will keep me safe.
I’m posting this as a warning. If your job has some strange rules, make sure you follow them, no matter how stupid you think they might be.

One hundred and forty-nine stairs. That’s how many there are to get up to the fire tower I’m posted at. I used to think getting up there meant safety. Now, I’m hoping it just means survival.
Climbing one hundred and forty-nine steps when you’re healthy is no small feat. When one of your legs has been torn to shreds, you’re bleeding from many places and you’re trying to get up there to wrap it, hoping there’s enough bandages so you don’t bleed to death, it’s a lot more difficult.
Then there are the stairs themselves which also count as a hazard when you have to hop up each one, causing pain to shoot through your injured leg. The stairs are skinny enough as they are, but the closer you get to the top, the smaller they get.
How do I know the exact number of steps? I counted them. I also counted which ones I miscalculated my jump, or brushed my foot against the step, or did something else that nearly sent me sailing over the rickety railing to my untimely death. The first time was one step number three, then fifteen, thirty-seven was a bad one, fifty-two, one oh seven, one-twenty, and finally one-forty-three. I guess it’s a good thing I’m deathly afraid of heights.
By now you may have figured out, I’m a park ranger. How did I end up playing this deadly game of hopscotch? It started a week ago when I got the job.
I was super excited, because I love working alone, and I love nature. What other job blends those two so well?
That excitement waned quite a bit when I arrived at the tower on my first day and looked up at those tiny metal steps I would have to climb to get to my job. The whole thing looked about as sturdy as if someone had built it with an erector set. I mean honestly, seeing surface rust on stairs that have to support your weight is terrifying, and I had to wonder how much I would be swaying when the wind really kicked up.
I wanted to close my eyes and just run up, but I didn’t dare. I paid attention to every single step, watching the metal bow under the weight of my foot, white-knuckling the railings as I went.
Finally, I reached the top and knocked on the trapdoor that had to be opened to let me in. I met the ranger who would be training me. His name was Bob, and he looked every bit how I envision a park ranger would look. Tall and thin, wiry but not scrawny, with a five o’clock shadow because he never had the time to shave properly.
Bob was one of those guys who seemed to always have a smirk on their face like they’ve just been told the greatest joke of all time, but they don’t want to let you in on it.
He spent the entire shift showing me around and then boring me to tears with all the little details of working in a fire tower. The place wasn’t bad. I was expecting an empty room with a card table and a radio, but this was nice. It reminded me of a small apartment or the inside of a small RV. There was a kitchenette with a microwave, sink, and minifridge. There was a couch and a couple of chairs, and most importantly, there was a bathroom.
At one point I thought there would be an outhouse at the base of the tower I would have to use. The thought of going down all those steps while holding number one or especially number two was something I didn’t even want to have nightmares about.
Just before the end of the shift, the next ranger came up. His name was Toby.
Toby looked nothing like I envisioned rangers looking like. He was overweight but made up for it by being under tall. He had a look of mischief in his eyes like a seventh grader who had just dropped a cherry bomb down the toilet and was trying to walk away looking nonchalant.
He smiled and shook my hand.
“So did Bob bore you to tears?” he said.
“Not quite to tears,” I said.
“Hey, I’m a good trainer,” Bob said looking offended yet still wearing that grin.
“Did you tell him everything?” Toby said.
“Pretty sure,” Bob said.
“Did you tell him about?” Toby leaned closer and whispered something in Bob’s ear that I couldn’t hear.
Bob’s grin grew.
“No, I didn’t tell him about that.”
“Maybe we should wait until he’s done training,” Toby said.
“What?” I said looking back and forth between them.
“We’ll tell you once you’re done job shadowing,” Bob said with that infuriating grin.
When we left, I was so focused on what they weren’t telling me, I nearly missed the first step and plunged to my death.
“Yeah, you’re gonna want to focus on those steps,” Bob said. “We had a coworker get hurt really bad because of them.”
“Is he ok now?”
Bob looked away.
Toby came over and volunteered, “He’s dead.”
That was definitely what I wanted to hear.
The next few days were a blur. Between total boredom with reading the procedure book and Bob grinning all the while refusing to tell me the big secret, I was getting super frustrated. I couldn’t wait for my first night working alone.
At least I had brought some supplies up to keep in the tower. Some snacks, a few books, and a tablet to make some notes on if I started writing a story.
Finally, the night came. I was working on my own for the first time. Surprisingly, Bob’s smile vanished as he told me.
“Did you ever read anything off of Reddit?” he said.
I shrugged.
“I don’t really read much other than books.”
“Sign up for Reddit, then go to the nosleep subreddit and look for a story called, ‘I was a park ranger stationed in a fire tower. It had a strange set of rules.’ Read that. It’ll tell you what to do.”
“Ok,” I said. “That’s the big secret? Read someone’s made-up story?”
“It might seem made up,” he said. “But trust me, follow the rules.”
I tried to read his expression to see if he was messing with me or not. In the five days I’d known him, there was never a time he wasn’t wearing that stupid grin, until now. His face was serious as a heart attack.
“Alright,” I said. “I’ll look it up later on my phone.”
“You really should do it as soon as I leave.”
“Ok.”
“Good luck.”
He stepped over to the door and went down the stairs. A few minutes later I heard his truck drive away.
“What the hell was that about?”
I stood in the middle of the room looking out at the beautiful trees, but not even seeing them. My mind was occupied by what Bob had said.
“It has to be a prank,” I said to the empty room. “Bob and Toby cooked this up to scare me on my first night. Well, I’m not falling for it.”
I did my first round of walking around on the outside walkway, looking for any sign of fires. We worked twelve-hour shifts, so I was working from seven am to seven pm. It was late summer and still warm enough to go without a jacket, at least on my first round. By the time I got to my fourth round, there was a chill in the air. I started doing my rounds from the inside and made a mental note to bring a jacket with me tomorrow.
It seemed odd to be talking about a jacket in late summer, but in the forest, the temperatures can vary wildly. It could be thirty degrees at night and eighty during the day.
I stepped back inside and saw my phone had lit up with a text message. I looked at it and it was Bob.
‘Did you read the rules yet?’
‘No,’ I texted back.
‘You don’t have much time.’
I knew this was a joke, it had to be a joke. The old timers pulling a fast one on the new guy, jerking his chain a little.
‘I’ll get right on it,’ I texted.
‘You better.’
I put my phone down and looked at the clock. It was ten minutes after ten. Outside was now completely dark, creating a very disconcerting illusion where when I would look outside, all I saw was my reflection. I decided to turn some lights off and go with just the bare minimum. That reduced the reflection some and I could see some trees outside.
I did a slow pan around, then grabbed a bag of chips and a soda, sat down, and worked on a crossword puzzle. That only lasted a half hour until I was bored with it. I picked up a book and started to read.
I woke sometime later, with my head resting on the back of the chair, chip crumbs all over my shirt, and the book laying on the floor.
I stretched and looked over at the clock. It read two-thirteen.
I jumped up, flinging the bag of chips to the floor, realizing I’d missed several checks, then ran around the room staring out at the trees. After my quick lap, I took a breath and did another slower lap to make sure there was no smoke. Thank God, there was none.
I chided myself for falling asleep on duty like that as I cleaned up my mess. I decided I should set an hourly alarm on my phone so that wouldn’t happen again.
When I picked up the phone I noticed there was a series of texts from Bob.
‘Did you read it yet?’
‘Why aren’t you answering?’
‘Are you alright?’
‘Don’t open the door for any reason.’
The last one sent chills down my spine.
Why would I open the door in the middle of the night?
As I was thinking this, another text came in.
‘For the love of God, read it!’
What the hell was wrong with this guy? Was he seriously losing sleep for a stupid joke?
I decided I would humor him and read the story. I opened my phone and went to the Reddit site. I had just signed up and put my information in when I heard static over the radio. I stepped to the receiver and checked it. Static blared out of it, making me jump as I heard a faint voice in it.
“Tower seven, do you read me?” I heard from a voice I could barely hear through the static.
I hesitated for a moment trying to remember if this was tower seven or not.
“Tower seven do you read me?” the voice said sounding a little more desperate.
I picked up the mic and keyed it.
“This is tower seven, go ahead.”
“It’s good to hear you tower seven,” the voice said suddenly clear. “I didn’t think you would answer.”
“Well, here I am, awake and alert, answering you,” I said. “What did you need?”
“I already have what I need,” the voice said sounding like it was chuckling. “I’d like to come visit if that’s alright.”
“Tower seven, this is base, who are you talking to?”
“I don’t know, someone on the radio,” I said into the mic.
“Seven, there’s no one else on this channel,” base said.
I got chills for a moment. What did that mean? How was I hearing someone that base couldn’t? Why would someone be calling now? Then it hit me that the base dispatcher was probably in on the joke too.
“Ok, base, maybe it was just some random transmission.”
“Tower seven,” the voice said. “Am I alright to come from a visit?”
I hesitated for a moment. What if it wasn’t a joke? Who the hell is walking through the forest at two thirty in the morning?
“Maybe we’ll do that visit another time,” I said.
“Visit?” base said. “What visit? Seven, you know it’s against policy to have visitors.”
“Yeah, sorry, base, I won’t be letting anyone visit.”
More static came over the radio. I could swear I could hear someone say something in the middle of it.
It sounded like, “We’ll see.”
I put down the mic and picked up my phone to read the story when I saw something off in the distance. It was a light, but it was hovering, like a helicopter. I switched my phone to camera mode, zoomed in, and took a picture. It was weird because the light was blue. I didn’t think helicopters had blue lights on them. Also, this light wasn’t flashing, it was solid the whole time. It came closer and I took another picture.
It floated even closer. It was mesmerizing. There was no sound. No hum, no whirring of tiny blades keeping it afloat like a drone, nothing. It was about the size of a basketball and glowing the most brilliant blue I’d ever seen. I reached out for it and it backed away from my hand. I took a step closer to the edge of the walkway, reaching out as far as my arm could stretch.
It backed away a few inches, just out of reach. I stood on my tiptoes, pushing against the railing trying to touch it. It moved away another inch.
I reached the tipping point and pinwheeled my arms to regain my balance and shove back against the railing.
I fell onto the walkway, landing hard on my backside and hitting the back of my head against the window. I looked up and the light was gone.
I shook my head, painfully stood up, and went back inside. I didn’t want to do a patrol but figured I’d better. After a slow walk around, I collapsed in the chair and set my alarm to go off in an hour.
After sitting there for a few minutes I could feel myself nodding off, so I opened my phone and started reading the story. After about ten minutes, I lowered my phone, eyes wide, hands shaking.
“It can’t be real,” I whispered. “It’s just a joke.”
I scrolled back through the story and re-read the rules.

1. Never, under any circumstances, leave the fire tower until you are relieved.
   
2. Turn off all lights between the hours of 2 and 3 am.
   
3. If you receive a radio transmission or phone call between those hours, do not answer.
   
4. If anyone knocks on the trapdoor during those hours tell them they’ll have to wait until morning. Do not open the door.
   
5. If you see a glowing object floating toward the tower, don’t look at it. Cover your eyes and count to 50. When you open your eyes it should be gone. If not, cover and count to 50 again.
   
6. If animals surround the tower don’t go down to look. Fire your flare gun into the air twice one minute apart, then lock yourself in the bathroom and hope for the best.
   My skepticism started to waver. How could they have known about those things, unless…
   

There was a powerful banging at the trapdoor that made me jump.
“Who is it?” I said.
No one answered.
I minute later, the pounding resumed. I searched for anything I could use as a weapon. Digging through the silverware drawer and finding an old, dull, paring knife, I backed as far away from the trapdoor as possible while staying inside. The pounding repeated. Somehow through the fear that coursed through my veins, I found my voice.
“You’ll have to come back in the morning,” I said.
“But I’m here now tower,” said the voice from the radio. “Let… me… in... ”
The last three words changed from asking to demanding. The voice also became deeper and more menacing.
I didn’t answer. I just slid down to the floor and hugged my knees holding the knife in front of me, silently searching through the story on my phone to see if there was something I missed, some way I could remedy the situation. But there was nothing, and the end of the story didn’t give me much hope.
I covered my ears and closed my eyes as the pounding continued now mixed with the voice that was going back and forth between pleading and threatening. It whispered then it screamed. It sound like a young boy, then it sounded demonic.
I rocked back and forth trying to keep some measure of sanity as the assault continued. I began to wonder how long the trapdoor would hold before whatever it was broke through.
Then suddenly it stopped.
As happy as I was that there was no more pounding and yelling, I didn’t trust it. My entire body was on pins and needles. It felt like the calm before the storm.
The fire tower shook. It felt like an earthquake, only different. I stood and went out to the walkway to see what was happening. When I looked down, I couldn’t believe it. The tower was surrounded by animals of all kinds. Deer, squirrels, bears, moose, any forest animal you could imagine, and even a couple I couldn’t and didn’t want to identify.
As I leaned over watching this strange menagerie, a moose rammed into one of the tower’s legs. It sent a shockwave through the entire metal framework. By the time it got up to me the tower was shaking so hard it made me lose my balance.
I toppled over the edge and fell. I threw my arm out attempting to catch the rail, but only touched it with my fingertips.
I knew I was falling to my death, there was no doubt. The wind rushing in my ears didn’t drown out the sound of my screaming. It sounded odd like I was listening to someone else scream. I closed my eyes, not wanting to know when the end was coming.
Suddenly something hit me hard in the ribs. I looked and I had hit a tree limb, but it didn’t stop me. The branch broke sending me falling again until I hit another branch. This one tore a gash on my leg as I flipped head over heels and fell again. The next branch grazed my head and made me see stars. I bounced off another branch hitting my shoulder, then took one to the knee, and landed flat on my back on the ground.
I lay there dazed, injured, but alive and surprised to be so. As I tried to regain my bearings, I saw the animals rushing over to me. I doubted they wanted me to pet them while they licked my wounds and cared for me while singing Disney songs.
I jumped up as pain rocked my body from more places than I wanted to think about. I hopped over to the tower steps and began my long arduous journey, just a half step away from a bunch of animals that seemed dead set on my destruction.
About halfway up I realized there was no more pursuit, so I slowed trying to conserve energy.
I got to the top, unlocked the hatch and tried to push it open. It took several tries to get enough strength while balancing on one leg standing on the tiniest of all the tiny steps. As soon as I got it open, I turned and slammed it shut, locking it.
I hobbled into the room, found the first aid box and struggled to get to the couch. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and forget this day ever happened.
I tried to easily lay myself down, but ended up collapsing in an excruciating heap.
Once down, I focused on bandaging the leg since it was losing the most blood. Once done, I proceeded to bandage all the rest of the areas that needed.
“How are you feeling, tower seven?” I heard the voice say over the radio.
I didn’t answer.
“Oh, come on now tower, don’t be like that,” it said. “Talk to me. Let me in and we’ll have a conversation.”
I lay there trying to think of anything other than pain and this voice.
“There has to be punishment for disobeying the rules.”
My blood ran cold. How did that thing know about the rules?
I reached into my pocket and was astonished that my phone was there. It had a cracked screen, but was usable. I texted Bob.
‘I’m alive, somehow. I broke half the rules without knowing it because I read the story too late.’
‘Are you alright?’
I took pictures of my bandaged leg that was wrapped but blood was still seeping through. I took pictures of my battered face, and my bruised ribs. I sent them all to Bob.
‘Good Lord, man, what did you do?’
‘I fell out of the tower.’
‘You did what?’
‘Was leaning over the edge of the walkway when one of the animals smashed into the support leg and shook the tower, knocking me over.’
‘How are you alive?’
‘Tree caught me.’
‘I’ll call the paramedics and come in early to relieve you.’
‘I’ll be laying here on the couch, bleeding.’
Then I added, ‘I’ll follow the rules from now on.’
There was static on the radio and a faint voice said, “You’d better.”
***
When Bob unlocked the hatch and led the EMTs in, he didn’t have that grin on his face.
“You ok, kid?” he said.
“Hunky dory, how about you?” I said laying on the cushions that were soaked in my own blood.
“He might be in shock,” one of the EMTs said.
My rescue was an adventure in itself. When they examined me they informed me that my leg was broken. I was sweating trying to go back down those steps with a splint on. I could just see me slipping near the top and falling again. There didn’t seem to be any trees close enough to catch me on this side.
Apparently, the EMTs seemed to be thinking the same thing. Someone came up with the brilliant idea of tying me to a backboard and trying to carry me down the steps. After two EMTs nearly fell, they decided to tie it to a rope and lower me like a sack of potatoes.
They rigged up a rope around one of the support poles for the walkway. Watching the rope scrape along the edges of the wood, fraying as it went was probably more terrifying than anything I’d experienced last night.
Floating in the air, spinning slowly didn’t help my fear of heights any. I decided to close my eyes and try to stay as still as possible so the balance wouldn’t be disturbed and slide me out of the end to fall to my death.
I was extremely grateful when the board hit the ground. My adrenaline finally crashed and I fell into a deep sleep as they loaded me into the ambulance.
***
Truth be told, I’m absolutely terrified to go back to the tower. It’s not like I have a lot of choices. Park ranger is a good paying job and sitting around watching for fires is about the easiest job I’ve ever heard of.
If you take away the supernatural voices, bizarre wildlife, strange lights, and the stairs of death.
I’m hoping paying attention to the rules will keep me safe.
I’m posting this as a warning. If your job has some strange rules, make sure you follow them, no matter how stupid you think they might be.

Sunday, May 28 - Saturday, June 03

Highlights

score	comments	title & link
3,231	428 comments	[SPOILER] Jim Miller vs. Jesse Butler
675	132 comments	[SPOILER] Andrei Arlovski vs. Don'Tale Mayes
630	134 comments	[SPOILER] Jamie Mullarkey vs. Muhammadjon Naimov
582	86 comments	[SPOILER] KSW 83: Krzysztof Głowacki vs Patryk Tołkaczewski
568	49 comments	[SPOILER] Road to UFC: Peter Danesoe vs. Sim Kai Xiong
512	63 comments	[SPOILER] Stefan Sekulić vs. Alex Oliveira | Titan FC 82
482	97 comments	[SPOILER] Alex Caceres vs. Daniel Pineda
415	105 comments	[SPOILER] Karine Silva vs. Ketlen Souza
301	38 comments	[SPOILER] Mamed Khalidov vs. Scott Askham | KSW 83: Colosseum 2
287	119 comments	[SPOILER] Abubakar Nurmagomedov vs. Elizeu Zaleski dos Santos
279	25 comments	[SPOILER] Image of the Finish in the KSW Main Event
244	38 comments	[SPOILER] Road to UFC: Zhu Rong vs. Sung Chan Hong
225	71 comments	[SPOILER] Tim Elliott vs. Victor Altamirano
217	52 comments	[SPOILER] KSW 83: Artur Szpilka vs. Mariusz Pudzianowski
214	54 comments	[SPOILER] Da'Mon Blackshear vs. Luan Lacerda

 

News

score	comments	title & link
1,840	176 comments	Aussie MMA Fighter Who Fought Gruesome Bacterial Infection Saved His Leg After Return to Australia
730	193 comments	2022 PFL Champion Rob Wilkinson is out of his fight next week due to failed drug test
436	93 comments	Jared Gordon out. Supposedly there is a replacement to be announced soon against Jim Miller.
343	96 comments	Jamie Mullarkey's management announced that Mullarkey agreed to fight a new (unknown atm) opponent. That means Guram Kutateladze is no longer fighting on Saturday against Mullarkey
214	38 comments	New UFC signee Jose Henrique suspended by USADA before promotional debut (Jose Henrique)

 

Editorial

score	comments	title & link
256	144 comments	[Editorial]Conor McGregor’s USADA delay looks like UFC smoke and mirrors

 

Media

score	comments	title & link
2,241	266 comments	Justin Gaethje thinks the BMF belt is “kind of stupid” but recognizes the financial upside.
654	45 comments	Tomorrow marks the 8-year anniversary of the first and only pirate themed MMA event held on a cruise ship, Mixed Martial A'rr. The undercard featured a guy named Kai Kara-France knocking his opponent out in 12 seconds. Kai headlines this weekend's UFC card vs Amir Albazi.
309	67 comments	Jim Miller is 6th all-time in UFC fight time. If his bout this weekend lasts longer than 1:40, he will pass Guida for 5th. If longer than 6:44, he will pass Maia for 4th. This figure shows how Miller's striking & longevity align with his peers.
291	65 comments	Guram Kutateladze says that he didnt pull out from his fight against Jamie Mullarkey, and that he was pulled due to visa complications.
229	95 comments	Dustin Poirier on Justin Gaethje - "Comparing his Fiziev fight, to our fight, he does a lot of things differently"

 

Podcasts

score	comments	title & link
172	181 comments	When Did the UFC Fall Off? And Other Questions (Jack Slack Podcast 130)
135	92 comments	Joe Rogan Experience JRE MMA Show #140 with Gillian Robertson
113	12 comments	Three-part podcast series on MMA Officiating and Regulation with Marc Goddard, Clemens Werner and Mike Mazzulli
38	9 comments	ONE Championship latest news | Tonon vs Gasanov, Kryklia returns | Post Fight Podcast
0	2 comments	Amanda Nunes vs Irene Aldana | Dan Hardy Breakdown, The War Room Ep. 267

 

Other Posts

score	comments	title & link
4,378	257 comments	[💩] The prophecy is being fulfilled
3,550	472 comments	UFC fighter reveals that they are no longer given comped tickets for family
2,435	479 comments	[One of Us] Lost my MMA debut
2,257	472 comments	Justin Gaethje hails Dustin Poirier’s wins over Conor McGregor: ‘I always love to see that dude get broken’
2,181	844 comments	UFC Drought - Massive Loss Of Interest As Of Recent....
1,776	680 comments	Don’t worry, UFC’s Michael Chandler has a solid explanation for his ‘very clinically high’ testosterone
1,765	463 comments	[📣 Call out] Conor mcgregor and alexander volkanovski wants to fight each other👀
1,574	158 comments	[Highlights] Dustin Poirier's history of viciously striking his opponents before and after the bell (Pettis/Gaethje/Alvarez II)
1,464	291 comments	[Unconfirmed] Leaked: Kamaru Usman vs Khamzat Chimaev is taking place in Abu Dhabi on October 21st.
1,406	368 comments	Daniel Cormier sees danger for Alex Pereira in 205 debut: ‘I have seen [Jan] Blachowicz almost decapitate guys’

 

Fight Thread Comments

score	comment
229	ApatheticRart said A dude who already won TUF is back on the show... LOL
225	GlobalKimura said Well, let's cut right to the chase: this show is a fucking dinosaur. Genuinely feels like a carbon copy of something you would find on TV from 2006, editing and music included. Worst of all, the s...
201	GoatPaco said Well, at least I understand the 30 minutes of backstory now The fight lasted 9 seconds. They needed content to fill the hour
197	frogsntoads00 said Conor just liver kicking his teammates and giving money to little kids Completely unhinged lol
182	DaveyJonas said Chandler's about to adopt this guy

 

Awarded Comments

awards	score	comment
1 Wholesome, 1 Table Slap	1,099	StormBred said Imagine volk takes the light weight title, Conor takes the welterweight title, then they fight for the 170 title and volk becomes triple champ and my dad comes back, that would be so crazy haha
1 Crab Rave	499	HornyFerguson said Both of these fighters have dealt with custody battles involving their children
1 Silver	1,499	RemainingAnonymoose said I’ll give you the advice my coach gave me after I lost my first wrestling match. Feel this. Let it hurt. The holes in your game were just opened up- fill them with training so that you never feel th...
1 I'll Drink to That	38	FreshlyWritten69 said Conor also was out of the pool and using PEDs so he could walk again … he probably can’t enter the pool right now without pissing hot because of what he took. It’s not smoke and mirrors, it’s just a ...

 

Why a lot of people like Axi Mavin and Thuta say Mistress Luna is very rude but you still like her very much

BDBYZD. This is called BDSM mistress's gimmick. Because the slave men, they like it very much. It will make us feel high and shiok. Its very very hard to explain to people like Axi Mavin and Thuta because they don't like Fendom. If you like fendom, this is the type of style that we like from the BDSM mistress. If you like gentle gentle type, too gentle then don't look like BDSM mistress.. These type of gimmick will make us feel excited.

Why you don't try Dhalia ?

The Singapore local BDSM mistress who is a bit plus size. Fat fat one. Li Wei say never try never know. BDBYZD. Certain things, you no need to try. Because I pay money right ? I want to make my kukujiao stand. Not to make my kukujiao drop. I want to feel high, feel excited, feel happy, feel shiok. That is why I willing to pay the money. By looking at her photo right. Sorry no offense. I not trying to insult her. I trying to explain why I don't book her. Because she is not my type. I see her. She look so fat. Her body is fat. her face is fat. She is not a chiobu. I see liao. My kukujiao cannot stand. I don't feel high. Why I want to waste money on something I don't want ? If she lose 15-20kg, I might consider. If she lose weight, then maybe she become beautiful chiobu. Then I will be interested to book her, to engage her. Seriously I don't know why there are many slaves who want to book her. Seriously I don't understand. Maybe they like fat fat type. Different people different taste. For me definitely is a no. Like I mention before. If whole Singapore left her only (one person), I also don't want to book her. I don't want to waste my money to book someone where I don't feel high. She have to pay me money to become her slave and not I pay her.

Why haters sabotage you lose job, you snap but Mistress Luna sabotage your BDSM business, you not angry ?

Let me explain why. Haters bo dai bo ji sabotage me to make me lose my job when I never offend them. Of course I will feel angry. For Mistress Luna case, I made big big mistake. I made her angry. So when she sabotage me to make my BDSM business no business, I don't blame her. I no angry her. Because these are two different cases. One is haters bo dai bo ji sabotage me when I never offend them. So they are two different things. If Mistress Luna, I never offend her then she sabotage my BDSM business then I will be angry at her. But right now is I make her angry. That's why she want to do this to me. I just treat it as a higher form of advance punishment from her.

How come times have you become human ash tray ? When i become human ash tray, when the cigarette drop on my tongue, won't I feel painful ?

I answer this many times. Mistress Luna she doesn't smoke. I have become her human ash tray only one time. Its my second BDSM mistress where I become her human ash tray. The second BDSM mistress. Not Mistress Luna. Mistress Luna she doesn't smoke. I answer this many times before. That time I was asking Mistress Luna if she can learn smoking, learn how to smoke so that I can become her human ash tray. She was angry. She say she supposed to learn smoking because of me ah. Then I say Sorry Mistress Luna. If Mistress Luna got smoke, every session I super guarantee want to become her human ash tray because I love. It might look painful. You must try out yourself. The tongue got saliva. When they use you as human as tray, you won't feel burnt. You won't feel painful. Because your tongue got saliva. Experienced BDSM mistress, they will usually split saliva on your tongue. Thats what the second BDSM mistress was doing. That time I remember we go to the hotel because she doesn't have house, her dungeon. We went to the toilet. I kneel down (nude) and the second BDSM mistress she standing then she smoke. Put the ashes on my tongue. I remember she got spit saliva on my tongue. That explain why I won't feel pain, wont feel burnt. She spit saliva. My tongue also got saliva. So that makes the tongue got wet wet. So wet wet right, you put the ashes there, you won't feel painful.

Are you crazy ? Do you know that you will get lung cancer by becoming human ash tray ?

Human tray if you watch porn, you have to swallow the ashes. Like I mentioned before, I am human God. I am not human being. So I can swallow the ashes. I can become human as tray. 1000 times or 2000 times. Nothing will happen to me because I am human God. Half human Half God. 50% human. 50% God. I have only one time experience of being human ash tray. It was my second BDSM mistress. And Mistress Luna, she doesn't smoke. I don't want to answer the same question again.

Why BDSM no sex no cheating but must have kukujiao stand ?

The purpose of the kukujiao stand is not to have sex. Why I emphasize that I went for BDSM session, it is important that my kukujiao stand ? That means I feel happy. I feel excited. I feel horny. That means I will enjoy the session. So if I engage some people who is not my type. Fat fat type. Then my kukujiao cannot stand means I am not excited. That means i no enjoy. I see her I no feel excited. That is why I say my kukujiao must stand. So that means you enjoy the session.

If Mistress Luna forgive but you must eat her lao sai (watery shit) from eating Mala. Will you eat ? What if Luna say you must engage Dahlia (Fat Fat Singapore BDSM mistress) one session as punishment and she will forgive you after that ? If Mistress Luna forgive you but you need to serve a male master, are you OK ?

To answer all these questions, the answer is YES. Someone ask about eating her shit with this mala. Very very spicy then put her lao sai. I tell you something man. I don't like to eat shit. Its fucking gross. Its fucking disgusting. The smell is terrible. I don't have the fetish of eating shit. I don't like. For example when I change the diapers for my daughter. She pang sai. The smell terrible man. I hate shit. I don't like to eat shit. Don't misunderstand I got fetish in eating shit. But however, I willing to do everything, anything as long as Goddess Mistress Luna can forgive me. So whether its to eat shit or to become a slave to the fat fat mistress Dahlia or to serve a male master, I can accept any punishment from her as long as she can forgive me. Doesn't mean I like to eat shit. Its terrible. Then to serve Dahlia, I think be in very serious trouble. She not happy that I talk about her. But I not meant to insult her. I just explaining the type of BDSM mistresses that I want. So if ever Mistress Luna want me to serve her then I honggan already. Because this fat fat Mistress confirm will torture/punish me until very jialat. But no choice because I will obey Goddess Mistress Luna. As long as she will forgive me, I will serve the fat fat mistress Dahlia. If Mistress Luna want me to serve a male master, like I say I am not gay, I also can accept this punishment. Any punishment also can except using pen knife on my kukujiao. That one cannot. Otherwise other things, whether it is kick my balls, kick my kukujiao, cane my kukujiao also can. All these I don't have fetish also. I scared my kukujiao spoil. Because I still want to have 2 more kids. Like I say I willing to accept these punishments as long as she can forgive me. Even if Mistress Luna want me to knee down in the public also can. Even if she wants me to kneel down outside her house at Bedok whole night 12 hours also no problem. Because I can accept any punishments from her except pen knife. As long as she can forgive me, I am OK.

1 hour BDSM session enough to do how many activities ?

BDBYZD. 1 hour doesn't include pay money, shower. No No The session starts after you pay money. Before the session start, you must pay money first. Shower is after the session ends. Not during the session. So Keith he don't understand, he thought shower during the 1 hour. No. Only after the BDSM session ended, then only the mistress will ask you to go take a shower. Its after the session end. Not during the session. So can do how many activities. Actually one hour is not enough to do many activities. It depends how the BDSM mistress plans the whole session. So why I can say that Mistress Luna is number 1 ? Because she can plan properly on her mind how she going to spend the next 1 hour to do the things that you want. Sometimes she might even surprise you with things that you never request. Like that time I never request to eat any cat food but she punish me eat cat food. Like I say she is well organized in her planning that she plan so well that this one hour can be fully occupied by all the actiivites that you want. You can plan out. Maybe you got many many activities that the slave one. Maybe canning 10 mins. Maybe slap kukujiao 7 mins. You plan your own schedule. So 1 hour is enough.

All 3 BDSM mistresses is $250 per hour ? So you engage all session 1 hour each ?

Mistress Luna is 1 hour $250. Now increase to $260 because of rental increase. The first BDSM mistress I pay $250 plus the hotel fees $50. Total $300. The second BDSM mistress, her rate is $300 plus the hotel fees $50. Total $350. So that is the rate for all 3 BDSM mistresses.

[Warning: I believe that the below Q&A question is fake. Kurt Tay might want to generate more views by getting us to click his videos and find this video.] Saw your selfie eating video, who play prank order so much food to your house ?

Wendy Choo is a true fan. She watch all my videos. I am sure that this thing. Some people they don't know what happened. If you watch all my selfie eating videos, you will know that haters play prank on me. They order many many big boxes of pizza from Domino and these are not paid yet. We say we never order these items. After that the manager from Domino called my phone. Then I say I never order these thing. I even asked. Are these items paid or not. Then she say no. Some haters purposely play prank. Order many many pizzas to my house to play prank. So these are very very irresponsible. These haters they are wasting the time of those riders. Wasting the time of those people who prepare the food. This is very ridiculous. Very very evil hearted of them to play prank. I felt that all those deliveries. The items should be paid first to prevent prank.

[Sorry. Will continue tomorrow. Left 20 minutes]

Apologies for the length and lateness of this post, past few months have been quite chaotic and haven't had much access to the internet, I dunno when I'll be back on this sub again after this so until then, more posts from me will be a Dream for Spring Summer (probably)
Over the years I've read a great many theories about the character of Varys, his motivations, his scheming throughout the series and his endgame, but none of them have ever truly sat well with me for how much his character feels simplified. He is one of ASOIAF's most complex characters who I still believe we haven't entirely cracked yet, and I for one still believe even after writing this post up and reflecting on it, there's still some of his character that I haven't figured out.
However, I want to propose an alternative character analysis to the character of Varys, one that drifts away from the more common take on his character - Varys is not a eunuch or a friend of Tyrion Lannister, and has spent his entire life lying about his manhood to deter anyone from thinking that he could father any children, so that fAegon, his true son, would always be protected while hiding.
Let us begin by breaking down each of the lies that define his character.
First, the lie that he was castrated as a young slave and had his manhood thrown into a fire by 'a certain man', which resulted in the fire turning magically blue and 'a voice' speaking out to Varys.

"One day at Myr, a certain man came to our folly. After the performance, he made an offer for me that my master found too tempting to refuse. I was in terror. I feared the man meant to use me as I had heard men used small boys, but in truth the only part of me he had need of was my manhood. He gave me a potion that made me powerless to move or speak, yet did nothing to dull my senses. With a long hooked blade, he sliced me root and stem, chanting all the while. I watched him burn my manly parts on a brazier. The flames turned blue, and I heard a voice answer his call, though I did not understand the words they spoke. "The mummers had sailed by the time he was done with me. Once I had served his purpose, the man had no further interest in me, so he put me out. When I asked him what I should do now, he answered that he supposed I should die. To spite him, I resolved to live. I begged, I stole, and I sold what parts of my body still remained to me. Soon I was as good a thief as any in Myr, and when I was older I learned that often the contents of a man's letters are more valuable than the contents of his purse. "Yet I still dream of that night, my lord. Not of the sorcerer, nor his blade, nor even the way my manhood shriveled as it burned. I dream of the voice. The voice from the flames. Was it a god, a demon, some conjurer's trick? I could not tell you, and I know all the tricks. All I can say for a certainty is that he called it, and it answered, and since that day I have hated magic and all those who practice it. If Lord Stannis is one such, I mean to see him dead." - ACOK - TYRION X

Now there is much from this excerpt to raise complaints and questions about Varys' story;

• There are no known instances of individuals being mutilated and having their mutilated parts being sacrificed in the flames for the sake of blood magic or appeasing R'hllor. Individuals have often been sacrificed to the flames, but sacrificed in their whole bodies.
  
• The details of how Varys was mutilated and that he was able to survive is unbelievable, and even more unbelievable that he went on to live as an orphan on the streets after this horrific ordeal with little to no medical treatment. Varys' simple claim that he "resolved to live" is very vague.
  
• Varys can remember this mystic and mysterious voice, but not what it send or what the words sounded like. Melisandre claims to hear the voices of R'hllor in the flames and voices could be heard from Drogo's tent when Mirri Maz Duhr was performing her blood magic, but these voices are only heard by the sorcerers, and not the victims. By all accounts, Varys should not have been able to hear these voices, if part of himself was fed to the flames.
  

But the weakest part of all is that Varys says that he "hates magic and all those who practise it", yet he goes to great lengths to protect and look out for Daenerys, and try to join fAegon's forces with hers, despite knowing that she has three magical dragons by her side.

"How many days until we reach the river?" he asked Illyrio that evening. "At this pace, your queen's dragons will be larger than Aegon's three before I can lay eyes upon them." "Would it were so. A large dragon is more fearsome than a small one." The magister shrugged. "Much as it would please me to welcome Queen Daenerys to Volantis, I must rely on you and Griff for that. I can serve her best in Pentos, smoothing the way for her return. So long as I am with you, though … well, an old fat man must have his comforts, yes? Come, drink a cup of wine." - ADWD - TYRION II

Illyrio is Varys' best friend and closest confidant, who he works with to protect Daenerys for much of her life and is willing to crown her as Queen alongside fAegon even though she has magical fire-breathing dragons that Varys, a victim of magical flames, would despise.
Illyrio, the same man who praised R'hllor, a God that Varys despises;

Her brother was waiting in the cool of the entry hall, seated on the edge of the pool, his hand trailing in the water. He rose when she appeared and looked her over critically. "Stand there," he told her. "Turn around. Yes. Good. You look …" "Regal," Magister Illyrio said, stepping through an archway. He moved with surprising delicacy for such a massive man. Beneath loose garments of flame-colored silk, rolls of fat jiggled as he walked. Gemstones glittered on every finger, and his man had oiled his forked yellow beard until it shone like real gold. "May the Lord of Light shower you with blessings on this most fortunate day, Princess Daenerys," the magister said as he took her hand. He bowed his head, showing a thin glimpse of crooked yellow teeth through the gold of his beard. "She is a vision, Your Grace, a vision," he told her brother. "Drogo will be enraptured." - AGOT - DAENERYS I

Neither Viserys or Daenerys were followers of R'hllor at this point, or surrounded by any followers, meaning Illyrio didn't need to bring up this form of prayer to R'hllor unless it was genuine or near genuine on his own part.
It makes little sense that Varys would entertain the company of those who worship R'hllor or magical forms of fire, if Varys truly is traumatised by what seemingly happened to him as a slave child by fire.
As well as Illyrio, this is apparent in Aerys II, who would regularly burn people in the throne room with wildfire, in the presence of Varys;

Frustrated, Aerys turned to the Wisdoms of the ancient Guild of Alchemists, who knew the secret of producing the volatile jade green substance known as wildfire, said to be a close cousin to dragonflame. The pyromancers became a regular fixture at his court as the king's fascination with fire grew. By 280 AC, Aerys II had taken to burning traitors, murderers, and plotters, rather than hanging or beheading them. The king seemed to take great pleasure in these fiery executions, which were presided over by Wisdom Rossart, the grand master of the Guild of Alchemists...so much so that he granted Rossart the title of Lord and gave him a seat upon the small council. - TWOIAF - THE TARGARYEN KINGS - AERYS II

Not only would Varys be present to witness these burnings, but Varys even encouraged Aerys to burn other individuals suspected of treachery, and fuelled both Aerys' paranoia and bloodlust;

He floated in heat, in memory. "After dancing griffins lost the Battle of the Bells, Aerys exiled him." Why am I telling this absurd ugly child? "He had finally realized that Robert was no mere outlaw lord to be crushed at whim, but the greatest threat House Targaryen had faced since Daemon Blackfyre. The king reminded Lewyn Martell gracelessly that he held Elia and sent him to take command of the ten thousand Dornishmen coming up the kingsroad. Jon Darry and Barristan Selmy rode to Stoney Sept to rally what they could of griffins' men, and Prince Rhaegar returned from the south and persuaded his father to swallow his pride and summon my father. But no raven returned from Casterly Rock, and that made the king even more afraid. He saw traitors everywhere, and Varys was always there to point out any he might have missed. So His Grace commanded his alchemists to place caches of wildfire all over King's Landing. Beneath Baelor's Sept and the hovels of Flea Bottom, under stables and storehouses, at all seven gates, even in the cellars of the Red Keep itself. - ASOS - JAIME V

Varys developed a reputation for egging on Aerys' paranoia and encouraging him to execute apparent traitors by fire, so much so that people like Barristan lay chief blame for Aerys' downfall into madness on Varys for exploiting it;

"It is not a question of wanting. The throne is mine, as Robert's heir. That is law. After me, it must pass to my daughter, unless Selyse should finally give me a son." He ran three fingers lightly down the table, over the layers of smooth hard varnish, dark with age. "I am king. Wants do not enter into it. I have a duty to my daughter. To the realm. Even to Robert. He loved me but little, I know, yet he was my brother. The Lannister woman gave him horns and made a motley fool of him. She may have murdered him as well, as she murdered Jon Arryn and Ned Stark. For such crimes there must be justice. Starting with Cersei and her abominations. But only starting. I mean to scour that court clean. As Robert should have done, after the Trident. Ser Barristan once told me that the rot in King Aerys's reign began with Varys. The eunuch should never have been pardoned. No more than the Kingslayer. At the least, Robert should have stripped the white cloak from Jaime and sent him to the Wall, as Lord Stark urged. He listened to Jon Arryn instead. I was still at Storm's End, under siege and unconsulted." He turned abruptly, to give Davos a hard shrewd look. "The truth, now. Why did you wish to murder Lady Melisandre?" - ASOS - DAVOS IV

It makes very little sense that Varys, a eunuch who seemingly hates worshippers of R'hllor and pyromancers for burning people and sacrificing his manhood to the flames as a child, would be best friends with a man who praises R'hllor or encourage his previous King to burn several people, many of whom were likely innocent of the claims of treachery put against them.
But it makes a lot more sense that Varys actually never had a problem with R'hllor or wildfire, and instead chose to encourage Aerys' paranoia so that he would always both seem useful to Aerys and be on good relations with him, to solidify his position of power on the Small Council, given that he was just a young foreign man in Westeros and wholly dependent on Aerys' support to maintain his standing in King's Landing.
The second lie of Varys' character that I wish to tackle is his apparent concern for the wellbeing of children;

"No," Ned pleaded, his voice cracking. "Varys, gods have mercy, do as you like with me, but leave my daughter out of your schemes. Sansa's no more than a child." "Rhaenys was a child too. Prince Rhaegar's daughter. A precious little thing, younger than your girls. She had a small black kitten she called Balerion, did you know? I always wondered what happened to him. Rhaenys liked to pretend he was the true Balerion, the Black Dread of old, but I imagine the Lannisters taught her the difference between a kitten and a dragon quick enough, the day they broke down her door." Varys gave a long weary sigh, the sigh of a man who carried all the sadness of the world in a sack upon his shoulders. "The High Septon once told me that as we sin, so do we suffer. If that's true, Lord Eddard, tell me … why is it always the innocents who suffer most, when you high lords play your game of thrones? Ponder it, if you would, while you wait upon the queen. And spare a thought for this as well: The next visitor who calls on you could bring you bread and cheese and the milk of the poppy for your pain … or he could bring you Sansa's head. - AGOT - EDDARD XV

Varys shows apparent disgust at the murders of Rhaegar's children, Rhaenys and Aegon, at the end of Robert's Rebellion, and the way in which they were brutally murdered.
However, we later learn in the series that Aegon seemingly survived and was swapped with a tanner's child, bought by Varys and swapped with Aegon, so that this bought child could be sacrificed to the Lannisters, who Varys presumed would want to kill Rhaegar's children;

"A true friend, our Lord Connington. He must be, to remain so fiercely loyal to the grandson of the king who took his lands and titles and sent him into exile. A pity about that. Elsewise Prince Rhaegar's friend might have been on hand when my father sacked King's Landing, to save Prince Rhaegar's precious little son from getting his royal brains dashed out against a wall." The lad flushed. "That was not me. I told you. That was some tanner's son from Pisswater Bend whose mother died birthing him. His father sold him to Lord Varys for a jug of Arbor gold. He had other sons but had never tasted Arbor gold. Varys gave the Pisswater boy to my lady mother and carried me away." "Aye." Tyrion moved his elephants. "And when the pisswater prince was safely dead, the eunuch smuggled you across the narrow sea to his fat friend the cheesemonger, who hid you on a poleboat and found an exile lord willing to call himself your father. It does make for a splendid story, and the singers will make much of your escape once you take the Iron Throne … assuming that our fair Daenerys takes you for her consort." - ADWD - TYRION VI

This entire "splendid story" as Tyrion calls it, is full of inconsistencies and unbelievable acts.
The first red flag of this story is the idea that Varys, a former slave child who abhors slavery, would willingly buy another man's young child. Also pay attention to the mention of 'Arbor gold', which has been well documented on this sub for years for how its always a signal of lies, as individuals like Littlefinger mention it in passing whenever they are telling a lie.
The second red flag is the idea that Varys, someone who seemingly abhors the murder and suffering of innocent children, would willingly sacrifice an innocent young child and allow them to be murdered just to spare another, more valuable child. The idea that Varys would also take Elia's child away from her, either willingly or unwillingly on her part, is also questionable.
The third red flag is why Varys chose only to switch Aegon with another child, and not do the same for Rhaenys. Having two imposter Targaryen children raised to believe they are Targaryens could've helped to support their claims, build them up as a rival power in Westeros and also provide a backup option for Varys incase fAegon didn't survive his childhood.
The final red flag is the idea that Varys was able to foresee how the Rebellion was going to end, accurately guessed that Rhaegar's children would be murdered by the Lannisters, knew where and when to find Elia and her children, be able to remove one of her children away from her without anyone knowing, and knew that one of Tywin's men would kill the children so brutally that next to no one would be able to recognise them - the idea story is built on a series of flimsy conveniences and incredible predictive abilities on Varys' part.
If Varys truly cared so much about the protection and well-being of children, he would not have willingly bought and sacrificed an innocent child to be sacrificed in exchange for Aegon's survival, nor would he have abandoned Rhaenys to her fate if he could have prevented it. This means either Varys truly doesn't give a damn about the wellbeing of children and just lies to the likes of Ned and Tyrion about it, or that the entire story about Aegon being swapped with a tanner's child is a lie like some fans believe, or that both stories are lies muddled together to make it more difficult to discern the truth.
Perhaps the truth of Varys' lies is best exposed in this often cited excerpt from ACOK, a conversation between him and Tyrion about the infamous "Shadow on the Wall" riddle;

Varys smiled. "Here, then. Power resides where men believe it resides. No more and no less.""So power is a mummer's trick?" "A shadow on the wall," Varys murmured, "yet shadows can kill. And ofttimes a very small man can cast a very large shadow." Tyrion smiled. "Lord Varys, I am growing strangely fond of you. I may kill you yet, but I think I'd feel sad about it." - ACOK - TYRION II

The question of who Varys refers to in this conversation has been debated for years on this sub. Some believe that Varys was alluding to fAegon, that if people believe he is the real Aegon then he will have power, even if he doesn't truly have power as a common non-Targaryen child. Others have suggested Varys was alluding to Littlefinger, who was once a young small man who rose very high in King's Landing and cast a large shadow over the realm by starting the WotFk through his schemes.
I however believe that Varys is talking about himself.
Varys was once a very small man when he came to King's Landing at Aerys' calling for him to join the Small Council. He was seen as a young ex-slave, without a lordship or house of his own, weak and powerless. But overtime, through his manipulation of Aerys, encouraging his paranoia and own self-inflicted downfall, Varys cast a very large shadow over the empire of House Targaryen in Westeros, and destroyed it forever. What Varys says here to Tyrion is a very veiled threat that he can be dangerous to Tyrion if he underestimates Varys.
Tyrion however, in his arrogance, believes that Varys is referring to him, being a "very small man" and begins considering him a friend.
This is the third and final lie of Varys' character that I wish to dissect here - the lie that he is a friend or useful ally of sorts to Tyrion.
The idea of Varys betraying Tyrion's trust and working against him is first presented to us by Cersei, when she lets slip that Varys informed her of Tyrion's plan to send the Hound into battle at the Battle of the Blackwater;

"Varys says so." The swan was too rich for his taste. A line appeared on Cersei's pale white brow, between those lovely eyes. "You put too much trust in that eunuch." "He serves me well." "Or so he'd have you believe. You think you're the only one he whispers secrets to? He gives each of us just enough to convince us that we'd be helpless without him. He played the same game with me, when I first wed Robert. For years, I was convinced I had no truer friend at court, but now . . ." She studied his face for a moment. "He says you mean to take the Hound from Joffrey." - ACOK - TYRION XII

On a first read, we are quick to dismiss Cersei's claims for how much she is built up as an antagonistic and untrustworthy character, but in later understanding her motives in her own POV chapters, we realise there may be an inkling of truth in her claims. In the case of the Hound, Varys has no reason to inform her of Tyrion's plan, however innocent and insignificant in the grand game of thrones they may be, other than to maintain some level of trust with her and to invoke conflict between the Lannister siblings, which benefits Varys.
There are frequent moments throughout the series in which Varys alludes to knowing key information and deliberately withholding it from Tyrion even if it may benefit Tyrion, including who ordered Mandon Moore to kill Tyrion;

Bronn had turned up all he could on Ser Mandon, but no doubt Varys knew a deal more . . . should he choose to share it. "The man seems to have been quite friendless," Tyrion said carefully. "Sadly," said Varys, "oh, sadly. You might find some kin if you turned over enough stones back in the Vale, but here . . . Lord Arryn brought him to King's Landing and Robert gave him his white cloak, but neither loved him much, I fear. Nor was he the sort the smallfolk cheer in tourneys, despite his undoubted prowess. Why, even his brothers of the Kingsguard never warmed to him. Ser Barristan was once heard to say that the man had no friend but his sword and no life but duty . . . but you know, I do not think Selmy meant it altogether as praise. Which is queer when you consider it, is it not? Those are the very qualities we seek in our Kingsguard, it could be said—men who live not for themselves, but for their king. By those lights, our brave Ser Mandon was the perfect white knight. And he died as a knight of the Kingsguard ought, with sword in hand, defending one of the king's own blood." The eunuch gave him a slimy smile and watched him sharply. Trying to murder one of the king's own blood, you mean. Tyrion wondered if Varys knew rather more than he was saying. - ASOS - TYRION II

When Tyrion presses Varys for information about Mandon, Varys deliberately skims over Mandon's life and offers vague beliefs about the perfect Kingsguard to try and derail Tyrion's line of questioning, and when Varys pretends not to have known about Mandon trying to kill Tyrion, he watches Tyrion "sharply" to try and gather how much Tyrion himself knows, whether or not Tyrion will seek retribution for it from the anger on his face, and almost openly mocks him for the smile he gives. Tyrion briefly considers the idea that Varys is deliberately holding information back from him, but chooses instead to talk about other matters, which is what Varys wanted.
On the matter of Varys' choosing to support the Lannisters or Stannis, Varys once again tries to confuse Tyrion with riddles and not directly answer the question;

"He accuses my brother and sister of incest. I wonder how he came by that suspicion." "Perhaps he read a book and looked at the color of a bastard's hair, as Ned Stark did, and Jon Arryn before him. Or perhaps someone whispered it in his ear." The eunuch's laugh was not his usual giggle, but deeper and more throaty. "Someone like you, perchance?" "Am I suspected? It was not me." "If it had been, would you admit it?" "No. But why should I betray a secret I have kept so long? It is one thing to deceive a king, and quite another to hide from the cricket in the rushes and the little bird in the chimney. Besides, the bastards were there for all to see." - ACOK - TYRION III

We know for certain that Varys didn't want the WotFK to start so soon or for the truth of Cersei's children to come out in AGOT because he wanted more time for Viserys' forces to grow in strength and come closer to Westeros in order to invade, either to take the throne for themselves or be the ones to kill the beloved Robert Baratheon and paint themselves as villainous usurpers to make fAegon more heroic and not taint him with Robert's blood on his hands.
However, like with Cersei and Tyrion, Varys needs to tell those on the Small Council a certain amount of secretive information in order to gain their trust and support, including Stannis. That Varys even chooses to give a deeper and more unsettling laugh about the matter is another example of him openly laughing about his treachery in Tyrion's face and Tyrion not realising it.
When Tyrion almost stumbles upon this ruse and Varys realises that his laugh was too deep and questionable, Varys tries to brush it off by saying its harder to keep a secret secret if so many people are investigating it, and insists that there were so many of Robert's bastards to find for Stannis to figure out the truth on his own. But again, this last statement from Varys is littered with half-truths.
Varys insists it is hard to keep deceiving King Robert about the truth of his children's true parentage, and even harder to keep deceiving the truth from those who are deliberately looking for the truth and wanting to find it. This in itself is a reference to his believe that Stannis was always power-hungry for the Iron Throne, and was just looking for an excuse to try to claim it for himself as Robert's true heir, regardless of whether or not Cersei's children were Robert's or not.
But his own comment about "betraying a secret I have held for so long" is a direct allusion to fAegon's existence, and his determination not to reveal the truth of his existence to anyone, including Tyrion.
Even when Tyrion rides with Illyrio and Jon Connington's entourage in ADWD, Tyrion is only led to believe that they are going to support Daenerys' claim for the Iron Throne, and has to work out for himself that fAegon is actually Aegon and the one Varys and Illyrio wish to crown;

Young Griff hesitated. "Lannister? Your father—" "—is dead. At my hand. If it please Your Grace to call me Yollo or Hugor, so be it, but know that I was born Tyrion of House Lannister, trueborn son of Tywin and Joanna, both of whom I slew. Men will tell you that I am a kingslayer, a kinslayer, and a liar, and all of that is true … but then, we are a company of liars, are we not? Take your feigned father. Griff, is it?" The dwarf sniggered. "You should thank the gods that Varys the Spider is a part of this plot of yours. Griff would not have fooled the cockless wonder for an instant, no more than it did me. No lord, my lordship says, no knight. And I'm no dwarf. Just saying a thing does not make it true. Who better to raise Prince Rhaegar's infant son than Prince Rhaegar's dear friend Jon Connington, once Lord of Griffin's Roost and Hand of the King?" "Be quiet." Griff's voice was uneasy. - ADWD - TYRION V

After Tyrion works out the truth and manipulates both fAegon and Jon Connington into riding for Westeros instead of joining forces with Daenerys, he disappears and goes off to seek her out.
This likely angers Varys, and is the reason why Varys no longer affectionately calls Tyrion by his name or by '"lord" and instead refers to him as "the imp" in ADWD's epilogue, a term that Varys knows Tyrion hates;

Ser Kevan tried to rise, but the strength had left him. He could not feel his legs. "I thought the crossbow fitting. You shared so much with Lord Tywin, why not that? Your niece will think the Tyrells had you murdered, mayhaps with the connivance of the Imp. The Tyrells will suspect her. Someone somewhere will find a way to blame the Dornishmen. Doubt, division, and mistrust will eat the very ground beneath your boy king, whilst Aegon raises his banner above Storm's End and the lords of the realm gather round him." "Aegon?" For a moment he did not understand. Then he remembered. A babe swaddled in a crimson cloak, the cloth stained with his blood and brains. "Dead. He's dead." - ADWD - EPILOGUE

Varys chooses to frame Tyrion for Kevan's murder, **deliberately and intentionally further putting his life in danger by Cersei's wrath, already knowing that Tyrion has a large bounty on his head because of her, and talks lowly of Tyrion by calling him an "Imp" and referring to his "connivance" in a very scorned tone.
Varys never considered Tyrion a friend or ally in ASOIAF and was just using him, another lie that he tells throughout the series, and by the end of ADWD, he hates Tyrion for his scheming and knowing too much information than Varys wished him to know.
But there is a bigger telling point about how much Varys uses Tyrion, and a more ground-breaking twist in the narrative that reflects both how much Varys underestimates Tyrion and how much Varys never cared for him;
In ASOS, Varys didn't tell Tyrion how to reach the Tower of the Hand to go and kill Tywin. Varys told him this key information so that Tyrion could go and kill Shae instead, who Varys considered a greater threat to him.
Shae is one of the few, perhaps the only, people in ASOIAF to see through Varys' disguises;

A whiff of something rank made him turn his head. Shae stood in the door behind him, dressed in the silvery robe he'd given her. I loved a maid as white as winter, with moonglow in her hair. Behind her stood one of the begging brothers, a portly man in filthy patched robes, his bare feet crusty with dirt, a bowl hung about his neck on a leather thong where a septon would have worn a crystal. The smell of him would have gagged a rat. "Lord Varys has come to see you," Shae announced. The begging brother blinked at her, astonished. Tyrion laughed. "To be sure. How is it you knew him when I did not?" She shrugged. "It's still him. Only dressed different." - ACOK - TYRION X

This catches Varys off guard, and any chance of seeing him being angry or looking threatened is waved away from the reader when Tyrion laughs it off and turns his attention again to his paramour Shae.
Wearing disguises is a very important part of Varys' many schemes, including visiting Ned Stark in the Black Cells as the gaoler Rugen;

"Wine," a voice answered. It was not the rat-faced man; this gaoler was stouter, shorter, though he wore the same leather half cape and spiked steel cap. "Drink, Lord Eddard." He thrust a wineskin into Ned's hands. The voice was strangely familiar, yet it took Ned Stark a moment to place it. "Varys?" he said groggily when it came. He touched the man's face. "I'm not … not dreaming this. You're here." The eunuch's plump cheeks were covered with a dark stubble of beard. Ned felt the coarse hair with his fingers. Varys had transformed himself into a grizzled turnkey, reeking of sweat and sour wine. "How did you … what sort of magician are you?" - AGOT - EDDARD XV

His disguise as Rugen is very important to Varys' plans after Tyrion's disappearance from King's Landing, as Varys seeks to frame Rugen as a Tyrell puppet who broke Tyrion from imprisonment on the Tyrells' behalf, to sow division and further paranoia between Cersei and the Tyrells;

Gold, yes, but the moment Cersei took it she could tell that it was wrong. Too small, she thought, too thin. The coin was old and worn. On one side was a king's face in profile, on the other side the imprint of a hand. "This is no dragon," she said. "No," Qyburn agreed. "It dates from before the Conquest, Your Grace. The king is Garth the Twelfth, and the hand is the sigil of House Gardener." Of Highgarden. Cersei closed her hand around the coin. What treachery is this? Mace Tyrell had been one of Tyrion's judges, and had called loudly for his death. Was that some ploy? Could he have been plotting with the Imp all the while, conspiring at Father's death? With Tywin Lannister in his grave, Lord Tyrell was an obvious choice to be King's Hand, but even so . . . "You will not speak of this with anyone," she commanded. - AFFC - CERSEI II

But this ploy to incite conflict between the Lannisters and Tyrells would have failed if Shae had lived, as she had seen through Varys' disguises and could've warned Cersei of it, something which Varys could not allow, especially given that he considered her one of Cersei's pawns after Tyrion's trial.
It is also fundamentally not in Varys' interest for Tyrion to kill Tywin, as keeping Tywin alive for now would ensure the Dornish would have someone to rise up and seek vengeance against for Elia's murder. As readers are shown in AFFC and ADWD Dornish chapters, the Martells are divided and frankly confused about how to seek vengeance for Elia's murder now that Tywin, Gregor and Armory Lorch - the three men involved in her murder - are now dead. **If Tywin had lived, Varys could've played on the Dornish thirst for vengeance against him and had fAegon promise them it in exchange for their support, something which they likely would've agreed to.
So by this point in the post, we've explored some of the key lies of Varys' character to know for sure what he is not;

• He is not the victim of slavery or a sacrificial victim to magical fires, nor does he abhor those who worship R'hllor or magical flames
  
• He does not hate the killing and suffering of innocent children, and has actually sought to profit from it in the past
  
• He has never been a friend or ally to Tyrion Lannister but has instead used him, and even manipulated him into killing Shae to protect one of Varys' own future schemes
  

So who is the real Varys? Behind all of these lies and deceptions, who is he really deep down?
Well, Varys is not a eunuch, and in fact fAegon's true father by blood. Varys has deliberately spent his life lying about being a eunuch in order to discourage people from the truth that he is the father of fAegon by Illyrio’s sister, and wants to control the Iron Throne through fAegon.
Recall Varys' conversation with Tyrion in ACOK that I previously cited earlier;

"He accuses my brother and sister of incest. I wonder how he came by that suspicion." "Perhaps he read a book and looked at the color of a bastard's hair, as Ned Stark did, and Jon Arryn before him. Or perhaps someone whispered it in his ear." The eunuch's laugh was not his usual giggle, but deeper and more throaty. "Someone like you, perchance?" "Am I suspected? It was not me." "If it had been, would you admit it?" "No. But why should I betray a secret I have kept so long? It is one thing to deceive a king, and quite another to hide from the cricket in the rushes and the little bird in the chimney. Besides, the bastards were there for all to see." - ACOK - TYRION III

"Why should I betray a secret I have kept so long?" is the biggest hint towards fAegon's existence and Varys' own true motivations in the entire series. Varys makes this spur of the moment claim after being caught off guard by Tyrion and doesn't think it through before saying it and letting Tyrion realise there is more to him.
Varys was never castrated and he is not bald. He deliberately shaves his head to hide his true parentage and lies about being a eunuch to discourage people from believing that he is capable of fathering a child, a child with Blackfyre blood that he wishes to sit on the Iron Throne, a secret that Varys has cared for and kept so long.
The last time we see Varys in ADWD, he finally begins to tell the truth about fAegon's existence, and when he does, and speaks about the son he loves, he begins to speak in his real, deeper and non-emasculated voice;**

"Aegon?" For a moment he did not understand. Then he remembered. A babe swaddled in a crimson cloak, the cloth stained with his blood and brains. "Dead. He's dead." "No." The eunuch's voice seemed deeper. "He is here. Aegon has been shaped for rule since before he could walk. He has been trained in arms, as befits a knight to be, but that was not the end of his education. He reads and writes, he speaks several tongues, he has studied history and law and poetry. A septa has instructed him in the mysteries of the Faith since he was old enough to understand them. He has lived with fisherfolk, worked with his hands, swum in rivers and mended nets and learned to wash his own clothes at need. He can fish and cook and bind up a wound, he knows what it is like to be hungry, to be hunted, to be afraid. Tommen has been taught that kingship is his right. Aegon knows that kingship is his duty, that a king must put his people first, and live and rule for them." - ADWD - EPILOGUE

This is who Varys truly is - not a eunuch, not a victim of slavery or castration, not a man who weeps for the suffering of children, not a friend of Tyrion Lannister, but a loving father who wishes to cast a very large shadow over the greatest empire the world of ASOIAF has ever known.
TLDR:
Varys is not a eunuch but instead the father of fAegon, a secret he has spent his life protecting, and a lie he has spent his life telling to better protect his son.
Varys does not hate R'hllor or those who worship magical flames, his entire story about his manhood being sacrificed to flames is a lie he tells to gain Tyrion's trust in their efforts to defeat Stannis in ACOK. Varys is close friends with Illyrio, a man who praises R'hllor, and spent the early parts of his life encouraging Aerys to feed innocent people to the flames of wildfire.
Varys does not hate the suffering of innocent children, he was prepared to buy an innocent child from a man and sacrifice him in order to protect the "real" Aegon, he was prepared to abandon Rhaenys to her brutal death even if he could have saved her too and prepared to send Viserys and Daenerys into a doomed invasion of Westeros that would've led to their deaths just to make fAegon appear a more heroic saviour compared to them.
Varys was never a friend or ally to Tyrion but instead was using him ever since they first met. He has repeatedly withheld important information from him such as who hired Mandon Moore to kill Tyrion and how Stannis figured out the truth about Cersei's children, and on frequent occasions has nearly openly laughed in Tyrion's face at both his misfortune and the information Varys withheld from him. Varys also manipulated Tyrion into killing Shae so that she would not expose Varys' identity as Rugen and didn't trust Tyrion with the information about fAegon's existence, something that Tyrion had to figure out himself. Varys also talks lowly of Tyrion at the end of ADWD as a "conniving Imp" which reflects Varys' true feelings about Tyrion.
Varys has spent his life shaving his hair and lying about being a eunuch to discourage anyone from believing he could father fAegon and better protect him, so that fAegon could one day take the Iron Throne, and cast a very large shadow over the Targaryen Empire forever.
Thanks for reading, if you enjoyed this theory be sure to read some of my other theories below;
All the signs that Tywin directly gave the Mountain the order to badly mistreat Elia Martell
The Father Rhaegaer, the Son Jon and the Holy Ghost Ghost, religious symbolism
Mance Rayder is a servant of the Others
Leyton Hightower is the Lord of Light and Malora the Mad Maid is Quaithe
2022 archive of ASOIAF theories available at the bottom of this post

BIG FINISH PODCAST NOTES/MISC. DOCTOR WHO NEWS ROUNDUP:

Sor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYwpt092O7U)y, I’m very late again. I do apologise. But I mean…how good is Big Finish!!11!
PODCAST NEWS
NON-BIG FINISH PODCAST NEWS:

• Details on the third Once and Future Release: A Genius for War is out.
  
• According to Vortex Magazine, there’s no plans for Ben and Polly Recasts. There’s also an iteration that there is some special stuff that David Bradley has done, but Big Finish can’t say what it is.
  
• The trailer for Torchwood: Among Us Vol. 3.
  
• The cover of The Seventh Doctor Adventures: Far From Home is out now.
  
• The covert art for [Once and Future: [The Artist at the End of Time[(https://www.bigfinish.com/releases/v/doctor-who-once-and-future-the-artist-at-the-end-of-time-277) has been updated.
  
• The cover art/story details of The Second Doctor Adventures: Jamie McCrimmon is out.
  

BBC AUDIO/BOOKS/MEDIA NEWS:

• Doctor Who: Series 5 is available on release for Vinyl LP for the 60th Anniversary.

ANYTHING ELSE
Sales: Big Finish Bookclub: The Fourth Doctor Adventures: 1.1 Destination Nerva/
What CD’s are Out of Print This Week?:: -
Fifteen Minute Drama Tease: The War Master: Solitary Confinement.
Interview/Production Interviews: The Lost Stories: The Ark.
Randomoid Selectotron: BUCKUP:
Big Finish Release Date Schedule: * The War Master. Vol. 9: Solitary Confinement - 06/06/2023 * The Lost Stories: The Ark - 08/06/2023
What Big Finish I was listening too today: -
Diamond Anniversary Listenthrough: -
Random Tangents: Big Finish are doing a charity run for cancer on the 10th of June at Dorney Lake. The 19th is National Eggroll Day, Gin Day, Rose Day, iced Tea Day, Knit in Public Day, Ballpoint Pen Day, Love your Burial Ground Week. Benji is a cheese and onion crisp fan.

How did we arrive to this decision? Four of the most active moderators, (u/Discord_Show, u/helenalena, u/SquandasNutCheese, u/IbSunPraisin) have collectively agreed to make the subreddit private to protest reddit's recent policy change on API calls, making it so expensive that it will kill third-party apps as a result. According to our subreddit's analytics, the majority of redditors access NBASpurs on iOS and Android, and most of them use Apollo or Reddit Is Fun. I use Boost myself on my phone, and old.reddit.com with RES (Reddit Enhancement Suite) and uBlock Origin on desktop. u/SquandasNutCheese uses Reddit is Fun. We've tried the official reddit app and I must say, it's nothing short of rubbish. Utter trash, save for the chat feature but that has a couple bugs as well.
You've probably heard of the news somewhere else, but I've copied and pasted it for your reference below:

A recent Reddit policy change threatens to kill many beloved third-party mobile apps, making a great many quality-of-life features not seen in the official mobile app permanently inaccessible to users.
On May 31, 2023, Reddit announced they were raising the price to make calls to their API from being free to a level that will kill every third party app on Reddit, from Apollo to Reddit is Fun to Narwhal to BaconReader.
Even if you're not a mobile user and don't use any of those apps, this is a step toward killing other ways of customizing Reddit, such as Reddit Enhancement Suite or the use of the old.reddit.com desktop interface.
This isn't only a problem on the user level: many subreddit moderators depend on tools only available outside the official app to keep their communities on-topic and spam-free.
What's the plan?
On June 12th at 12:00AM EST, many subreddits will be going dark to protest this policy. Some will return after 48 hours: others will go away permanently unless the issue is adequately addressed, since many moderators aren't able to put in the work they do with the poor tools available through the official app. This isn't something any of us do lightly: we do what we do because we love Reddit, and we truly believe this change will make it impossible to keep doing what we love. The two-day blackout isn't the goal, and it isn't the end. Should things reach the 14th with no sign of Reddit choosing to fix what they've broken, we'll use the community and buzz we've built between then and now as a tool for further action.
What can you do?

• Complain. Message the mods of reddit.com, who are the admins of the site: message u/reddit: submit a support request: comment in relevant threads on reddit, such as this one, leave a negative review on their official iOS or Android app- and sign your username in support to this post.
  
• Spread the word. Rabble-rouse on related subreddits. Meme it up, make it spicy. Bitch about it to your cat. Suggest anyone you know who moderates a subreddit join us at our sister sub at ModCoord.
  
• Boycott and spread the word...to Reddit's competition! Stay off Reddit entirely on June 12th through the 14th, instead, take to your favorite non-Reddit platform of choice and make some noise in support!
  
• Don't be a jerk. As upsetting this may be, threats, profanity and vandalism will be worse than useless in getting people on our side. Please make every effort to be as restrained, polite, reasonable and law-abiding as possible.
  

We'll reassess the future of the subreddit at the 48th hour and will update you all accordingly. Don't worry about missing any important events, the draft is scheduled on the 22nd, so we'll get the chance to act like we're winning our sixth championship and six more as we draft Wemby.
If you'd like to discuss the Finals with your fellow Spurs fans, head on to discord.gg/nbaspurs. We've got friendly veterans on there who will welcome you with open arms (namely u/Noteful, u/ImNotChineseOk, u/FancyTodd, u/iro3, u/WorldClassDBag, u/SavosDeaworth, u/Stavanator, u/Roman21023 among many others). I haven't been active there in years, but you bet I'll hang out with y'all.
You can always post and comment nba as usual if you prefer the usual reddit experience, but as mentioned above, we encourage you to stay off reddit during the 48-hour window.
Let us know if you have questions! As always, please be respectful when presenting your arguments foagainst this move.
Again, the discord server is discord.gg/nbaspurs. See you there, hopefully soon!
Edit: I'm heading to bed as it's midnight over here. Feel free to tag the other mods to answer your hot questions with even hotter takes!
And reassessing the future of the subreddit doesn't mean it gets shut down permanently, so please don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Extension of the protest duration will be democratically decided. Some mods might step down and/or leave reddit entirely. The future is cloudy at the moment, but I'm confident enough to say that we care about your best interests.

This will likely not be the first of these posts as I go through jump docs in prep for hopefully my first jumpchain. P.s. Please let me know if there is a better way to format this stuff.
1.) Have any suggestions for body mods? I'm thinking maybe the space battles one or Quick silvers, but not sure.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hH0VLabviVwTCO_UJCbmQ7rkv7qcdQP0w742Ajw53_E/edit
2.) I was going for a dragon-themed jump. So, I was wondering. Should I go for a partially (like a D&D half dragon/Dragonborn, or anime monster girl dragon, or whatever) or fully on a dragon? I figure doing so would be thematic for the jump, but it might make certain gauntlets rather... difficult. Like in an all-human setting, where you probably have to worry about being dissected or hunted down by scared villagers. I suppose this applies to all body mods and chain drawbacks that make the jumper look inhuman (like "A giant among jumpers" or "Unbearable" from the UDS or the bestial body type from Quick Silvers..
2.5.) Depending on the answer to #2, what is the best way to pull it off? I'm thinking maybe the maximum option for proportions in the SB supplement,

Proportions
- [Free]​ Adjust proportions within the scale of what is possible for a human naturally.
- [50 CP]​ Adjust proportions within the scale of what is possible for modern surgical body-modification. Additionally includes some cosmetic modifications like split tongues, Elf- or Animal-Ears etc.
- [100 CP]​ Freely adjust proportions so long the end result is biologically viable. Allows to become inhumanly tall or tiny, as well as replacing anatomical features with that of animals. Do note that any potential changes that are listed under the Extra Bits section have to be bought there separately.

Or maybe the essential body mod, but I'm worried it's a bit too powerful.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kuNXRGUKAY9E1VJ_fjXXRy9V36KSI9idQc4FMXdUDWs/edit
3.) When the UDS says you without specifying whether it's the author or jumper, like here, which is it referring to?

Sadist-Chan [+150]: Sadist-Chan has replaced the friendly Jump-Chan. She insists you always take whatever jump-specific drawback you’d least like to take in each jump. She isn’t evil though, so you don’t have to take any Drawback that would include a scaling enemy, no-win scenario, amnesia/powerlessness or chain ender. You still can if you choose to and it still counts for this as long as you legitimately dislike the Drawback you’re taking. Sadist-Chan is worth a total of +200 if one of these two things are true; If the jump has nothing priced so you’d waste 50 CP or if the Drawback you must take is valued at 300 CP or more. If the Drawback you must take is valued at 600 or more, you gain a total of +300 CP from Sadist-Chan. ChainOnly.

4.) Does Retail Rocker apply to both jump doc/supplement drawbacks, and UDS drawbacks?

Retail Rocker [Special]: Discounts are for poor people. You’re a Jumper of Quality. You always pay full price. Always. But in exchange, you now get double the CP from all drawbacks you take. If something else would modify the CP you’d get from a Drawback, Retail Rocker’s bonus is calculated only from the original raw value and cannot be modified by anything. Example: You take a drawback worth 200 CP, but have ‘What Are Drawbacks’ that adds 50 CP to that value, and are under the effects of ‘Gauntlet-Kun’ which doubles the base value and it’s a background specific drawback from Princess Bride, meaning it should be valued at 300 CP to start with…. Retail Rocker ignores all the modifiers and just gives a bonus 200 CP which isn’t ever modified by anything else. They still give their own bonuses, they just don’t interact with each other. You get +100 JP per jump for Slot-O-Matic.

5.) For trouble central/black hole, would it be nerfing the drawback to make it not be too disruptive to the plot or setting on a meaningful level? Like if Worm was suddenly derailed by a war between the US and Russia, Dresden Files Chicago has a huge fire that burns half of it down, an important character randomly dies in a car crash, etc. Similarly for Aft Gang Agley not being bad enough to make plans pointless.

Trouble Magnet [+200]: Bad things will always cluster around you. Things will not go smoothly. There is a +10% cumulative chance per week of something personally happening to you, The Jumper, that will personally inconvenience or annoy you. Thus if you have the base, the chance each week is 10%, but if nothing happened to you in week 1, there’s a 20% chance in week 2, and a 30% chance in week 3. This resets to the baseline once something bad happens to you.
Trouble Central [Another +100]: You attract trouble, not just to you but to everyone nearby. Bandits will attack your train, rival nations will invade wherever you happen to be, and natural disasters seem more common. The frequency of low level bad things(fires in nearby buildings, robberies in stores you’re shopping in, murders in towns you’re visiting, attempted muggings) is about 25% per day. Moderate bad things (terrorist attacks, murder attempts, bandit attacks on people you’re travelling with) happen in about 25% of weeks. Very bad things (Wars, Hurricanes, Earthquakes) have a 25% chance per month of occurring. This also increases your personal bad luck from +10% to +15%. Requires Trouble Magnet. Extremely bad things don’t happen because of this...
Trouble Blackhole [An additional +100]: unless you upgrade to this in which case they happen roughly once every 4 years. And your personal bad luck rises to 20%. Requires Trouble Central.
Aft Gang Agley [+200 or +300]: Yeah, for some reason, your plans often go a bit off the rails. No plan survives contact with the enemy, but yours fall apart a lot faster than they should for some reason now, this isn't to say that everything automatically fails for you. Oh no. Then you could plan for that. This means that things just end to go awry a lot when you're involved. Maybe humorously, maybe tragically, maybe both! Things could go pear shaped and force you to think on your feet to maintain any chance of victory. Things could just go very weird and leave you with results you hadn't anticipated. For an additional +100, things will tend to go in ways you’d rather they didn’t more often than not, but not to the extent that it regularly puts you in danger.

6.) Am I reading this right that, if you take humiliation conga that the enemy would never intentionally kill you (even if that would be rather out of character for them)? That seems almost like a boon. Like an infinite one ups thing.

Humiliation Conga [+100]: Your enemies will not willfully kill you. Oh no... they want you to suffer. Some will torture you, others subject you to humiliation and or degradation... Some will prefer physical methods, others mental, still others sexual or emotional techniques... Feel free to customize what, exactly, each enemy will do to you... or just pick a single specific theme (Everyone wants to tickle you for hours would work. As would people keep crucifying you.) It has to be something generally bad. You can’t say “They’ll give me a nice meal and subject me to small talk.” For an extra +100 this is guaranteed to happen at least twice every jump. The number of captures can be doubled up to 4 times for +50 each time (4, 8, 16, 32). While you’re free to escape after being captured, you will always have to put up with at least an hour of humiliation each time you’re captured. They will find a way to abuse you somehow... they did capture you, remember? If a jump lasts longer than 10 years, the count for Humiliation Conga resets every decade. Can be taken by Companions. The guaranteed being caught does not raise your enemies power level, but rather temporarily (up to one day) renders you vulnerable to being captured (but no more likely to be killed). Being captured will put you at your enemy’s mercy for at least 6 hours.
Victim Complex [Another +100]: Your powers will initially be rendered inoperable for the first 24 hours of each capture and will slowly come back at the rate of 1% (using a ramping scale, not an absolute scale, thus even infinite power returns slowly) per hour after. Requires Humiliation Conga. Can be taken by Companions.
The Prisoner’s Dilemma [An Additional +100]: if you don’t escape by Hour 72, you fail the chain. Requires Victim Complex. Yes, being rescued counts as escaping... unless a plumber tries to rescue you. If that happens, you’re in another castle. Cannot be taken by Companions.

7.) What is the/a continuity toggle?
8.) So, am I understanding it right that, by default, you get a week in between jumps in your warehouse for whatever purposes you need?
9.) How do people normally deal with the jumper living hundreds or thousands of years? I mean, even if they suffer none of that curse of immortality stuff or physical aging (including mental degradation) you still have decades of maturation, experience, and character development that the jumper gets each jump. What stops the character from essentially being some wise old man/woman stereotype by jump 7?
10.) Does this include things that would normally bypass language like telepathy? It called it out specifically earlier in the mute drawback.

Language Block [+50]: No longer do you automatically gain a basic understanding of the local language in each jump. Instead, all you start with is a 500 word kernel of the most basic terms of the common language and you’ll have to learn the languages the hard way. No perk or power can help you learn languages faster aside from perfect memory and high intelligence perks, but they’ll only make it a bit easier. No universal translator or the like will work for you. Chain-Only, Cannot Hiatus. For 50 CP you can learn any specific language as it is spoken in that setting’s time period. Generally speaking, living languages change between 20%and 30%every century.

11.) Given most are 10+ years, any advice on determining how much to write for them per jump? Obviously can't go over the entire time, even skipping the less important stuff. Should I focus on plot-relevant stuff, or if lacking plot (like Minecraft or something), focus on one or two big events as the plots of that jump?
12.) Have anyone figured out any workaround for those perks that remove/replace the main character (hero or villain) of a setting, without deleting them from the setting or significantly changing the character? There are a number where I'd take the drawback of having to deal with the plot things without relying on them, but for most (if not all, I'd need to double-check) I'd hate to lose the character. I'm wondering if I need to just deal with it/not take that, or if there is a way to have my cake and eat it too (after all, the challenge would still be there).
13.) How do your jumpers deal with jumps where they have to have a distinctly different morality for that jump? Wouldn't that sort of mess with them psychologically, or is there some sort of cognitive dissonance there?
14.) How do return/sequel jumps work? Is it like it mentions in Quicksilver's stuff, or different?
15.) I had an idea for this jump (or really any future one), but I'm a bit worried it might be a bit overcomplicated or a better idea in theory than on paper. Basically, instead of one jumper, it's three who tried to cheese the body pod (jump seed scenario from UDS if your wondering) and ended up full Case 70ed (from worm, basically stuck together physically, like sharing the same body or alternating who can exist at the same time and who's in extradimensional limbo). Wouldn't change anything mechanically, as still effectively one person, sharing perks between (which they don't pick, Jumpchan did) them. It would mean that, even before I start picking up companions/followers, I'll have someone for them to talk to on lone jumps like Minecraft or Factorio, and would be a source of internal conflict. What do you guys thin? Good idea? Bad idea? Maybe? Depends (no better answer)? Need more info to know?
16.) Would this count things like healing for jump time progression?

The Best Worst Blessing-Curse EVAR [+100]: You, the blursee (someone blessed and cursed at the same time), have unlimited time with which to do any task thatis not a) dependent on another person, b) being done to make something tangible or a significant profit, or c) being done for self improvement. I know you’re saying... that doesn’t sound so bad. Sure. It’s great... but things like relaxing,sleeping, eating, etc. don’t count as any of those. Effectively, to progress time you’ll have to constantly be interacting with people, making stuff, or improving yourself. 24 hours a day. If people would notice you, that counts as an interaction,so you can’t use this for stealth. Indeed, hiding from someone is an interaction... but not if you’re just hiding from the world in your house or something. Like, stealthing around people is interacting with them, even if they don’t know it. Your Benefactor, pets, AIs, Companions, and any potential entities beyond the scope of the Jump’s setting don’t count as other people for the purposes of this Drawback. You cannot get around this drawback by having someone pay you for everything you do, and the more money you already have, the harder it will be to justify it as profit. Twenty hours of work to make a penny isn’t fooling anyone.

17.) What is this renegade supplement the UDS talked about? I've only seen the one where you are the renegade.
18.) Any idea why The Bay says that you need a fully crewed ship to leave it? How would that cheese things otherwise? Especially since many tech perks could automate them, reducing crew to 1 or 0.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UCviTdrpc9WdXmA5_e2ulem2vjMa2kfMSlp1d6cErS0/edit

The doors might be a problem, because they wont let you take something out unless the security system detects at least the minimum required crew for a ship. Don't go trying to fly that Star Destroyer solo there spacecowboy. Aside from that?

19.) I'm assuming you don't need a setting with FTL to use a ship that can't use FTL? Even if it is space worthy.

Don't think you can fuck off and float around some barren rock for ten years either, I'm supposed to be getting entertained here, remember?

20.) Any idea if The Bay's points are self-contained, or if you can donate some jump/gauntlet, supplement, and/or UDS CP to boost it?
Sorry for the length (can shorten these in the future if people would prefer), and if any of these should be obvious. Thank you in advance for anyone helping to answer them.

It'd been a busy week. She'd practically begged the clock to go faster at work this afternoon, knowing full well she had the weekend off. Being a police dispatcher? You needed those "mental health breaks" that so many sing virtues about. It'd been a rough mental health week, for sure.
Tish recognized the number on the caller I.D. lt was Ol Shiloh. He'd been a paratrooper in Vietnam, and he came back stateside without so much of a scratch on him physically. Mentally? He saw "gooks" (Ol Shiloh's completely politically incorrect term for the Viet Cong as well as the eponymous Charlie) at the bottom of the basement stairs and in the shower waiting for him to enter the bathroom. As a little girl, Tish knew Ol Shiloh had a good heart but a feeble mind. His visual and auditory hallucinations made him the laughing stock of many of Eerie's child residents who pointed, snickered, and rolled their finger at the side of their temple, indicating he was crazier than a shithouse rat. Ol Shiloh sounded legitimately scared when he called, though. This was not an emotion Tish was familiar with. Nothing rattled Ol Shiloh even with his advanced case of post-traumatic stress disorder. He'd known Tish's parents, and? Oddities aside? Ol Shiloh was a good man. So? Speaking to him had never presented a challenge until today, and, Oh, what a challenge it was...
"Eerie 911. Will this be police, fire, or medical?" Tish had picked up on the 2nd ring. "Ginny? Ginny Lynn? Is that you? " The normally loquacious Shiloh queried. "Shiloh? Hey! Is everything okay?" Tish inquired. Tish was the nickname given to her by her boyfriend, Craig, who Ginny never called by that name. His nickname was Gomez. They were the local Halloween decorating contest champions and adored everything scary, thus the nicknames given to each: Gomez and Morticia from Addams family fame. "Naw, Ginny girl. Ain't okay at all." Ol Shiloh was not himself. "What's happening?" Tish's mounting concern was palpable. "Nothing right now. It was last night." Ol Shiloh spoke, barely above a whisper. Remaining ever so patient, Tish replied, "What happened last night, Shiloh? You don't sound like yourself, and it's worrying me." "Ginny, don't you worry your pretty lil head about me. Harry & Virginia did a fine job raising you. Guess it didn't take in your lil sister, considering she turned out to be the town doorknob. Everybody's had a turn at that girl." Granted, Ol Shiloh was never known to mince his words, but this was strong even for him. What was even worse? He wasn't wrong. Time to get him reigned back in. "Well, I don't think you called to talk to me about my sister's promiscuity. What's going on with you, Shiloh?" Tish was sensing his reluctance to just "spit it out. " It was as if he was having 2nd thoughts about placing the call to begin with. "I had visitors last night." Shiloh barely spoke above a whisper. "Visitors?" Tish queried. Ol Shiloh never had visitors. Hell, he'd been living all by himself every sense Rose died. His saintly wife was married to him 50 years, only a month before she passed away from a fatal heart attack. To say Ol Shiloh was lost? That was an understatement. Shiloh was nothing without Rose. He met her in August of 68, right after he came back stateside from Vietnam in May of that same year. It was love at 1st sight for Ol Shiloh, but Rose needed convincing. She mistakenly thought Shiloh was "a Mama's boy" because he worshipped the ground Rose walked on. He was not. He was simply in love for the 1st and last time. Tish was really surprised with how well Ol Shiloh was able to pull through the 2nd roughest time in his life with the aid of Eerie's townsfolk. And? As Elton John famously quoted? When it comes to Ol Shiloh? I'm still standing. This? This was different. This was not the Shiloh she'd known for the last 53 years of her life. "Ginny, they were kids. Well, they looked like kids, but..." Ol Shiloh trailed off. He shut down again. "Looked like kids? What made you think they weren't kids, Shiloh?" Tish was nervous and ancy. This felt wrong. Something was off. "There were 2 of them. A boy, dark hair, pale skin, and probably about 12 years old. He had a lil girl with him about 7, also dark hair & pale skin." Shiloh was intrepid. Tish quietly listened as Gomez and some of the other deputies were laughing in the office behind her. She gave them a scornful look, and the guys piped down. "They'd knocked at my front door about an hour after the sun went down. I didn't have the porch light on. The screen door was shut and locked, but the wooden door was open. I turned the porch light on so I could see them better. They were both looking down at their feet. The boy whispered something but I couldn't hear, so I asked him to speak up," Shiloh let the flood gates burst forward. "Sir? May we use your phone? We've gotten lost and are scared. We need to call our mother. Please, let us in." The dark-haired boy requested. "I've not seen you kids around here before in my life. Who's your parents?" Shiloh knew everyone in Eerie, Indiana, but he'd never seen these odd looking kids. "Sir? Please, let us in. We need to call our mother. She'll be so worried." The dark-haired boy practically recited word for word what he'd already previously said, which really riled Shiloh up. "Boy, you deaf?", I asked, "Who's your folks?" Shiloh continued to give Tish the play by play. "Sir? Please. We are cold. We are hungry and we are scared. Please, let us in." The dark-haired boy sounded rehearsed and mechanical. "NO! There's something not right here." Ol Shiloh didn't survive a hot tour in the jungle because he didn't have good instincts. "Sir, please, if you could just let us in." The little dark-haired girl then chimed in. Ol Shiloh knew instinctively not to trust these 2 but found himself being drawn to them paradoxically. His hand reached for the storm door to open it even though every fiber in his being told him not to. "What the hell are you kids cause you ain't human?!" Ol Shiloh was more nervous now than when he was a tunnel rat. Both children looked up and to Shiloh simultaneously. What he saw scared him worse than any night he'd spent in jungle. Their eyes were black, not just the pupil. The Iris, cornea, and pupil were all black but not just any black. The deepest black, pure obsidian. The answers to all of the galaxy's most burning questions were in those pitch black bottomless depth eyes. "Shiloh Svengaard, let us IN!" both children stared into Shiloh's pale milky blue eyes as he stared back into their black ones. "NO. NO, NOW GO AWAY!" Shiloh slammed the wooden door and locked it. He watched as the black eyed children walked to the end of his driveway and onto James Dean Boulevard. They went off into the night and Ol Shiloh didn't see them anymore. "So, you thought they'd return?" Tish was a tad overwhelmed. Ol Shiloh had audio and visual hallucinations but it was always fellow soldiers, the Viet Cong or the North Vietnamese Army. It sure as hell wasn't black eyed tweens. "Ginny girl, I don't think they'll return. I know it. They're coming for me. I know they are." Delusions of persecution certainly isn't anything new to Tish when it came to Ol Shiloh but this was different. Shiloh was full of doubt and self defeat. Never in his life had Ol Shiloh backed down from a fight. This? This was uncharted territory. "Want Don to swing by on patrol tonight? Craig and I are having a lil evening out so he won't be on. Don would be glad to do it, Shiloh. Really." Comforting and reassuring Ol Shiloh was Tish's main concern at the moment. "Yeah, Ginny Girl. Have Don cruise by my place if he would. Maybe a patrol car will keep these evil fucking little bastards away from me and my house. Best part of those lil sons a bitches dripped down their Mama's leg when she was getting pregnant with 'em!" Ol Shiloh always had a way with words. "Okay. I'll tell him but remember to use the non emergency line next time, Shiloh. Can't tie 911 up with non emergent calls." Tish gently scolded. "Fuck that non emergency number, Ginny girl! It prompts me to press 1 for English and 2 for the ESPENOIL (pronounced ESPN OIL) and bullshit! I just call 911 and get ahold of you!" Shiloh wasn't about to call an automated line. That just wasn't how he did things. Tish was the one that could handle his problems. She was the good sister. "Okay, okay, Shiloh. I'll tell Don. You just take it from me. Rose wouldn't want to see you like this." Tish was truly concerned. "Ginny girl, my Rosie can't see anything anymore." And with that? He hung up the phone. The guys were still hanging out in the office, albeit much quieter. "Sorry 'bout that. We didn't know you were on the phone. We wouldn't have been telling jokes if we knew you were on the phone." Gomez sheepishly looked down at the table where he was seated with 2 other deputies, Don & Bubba. "It wouldn't have mattered. Ol Shiloh was ranting so much he didn't even hear you guys." Tish dismissed. "Ol Shiloh? What put a hair across his ass?" Don asked. "He said 2 kids came by last night about an hour after dark, wanting to be let in the house. He was uncharacteristically afraid. He said they just kept repeating to let them in so they could call their mother. He felt something was off, something wasn't right." Tish trailed off. "Kids? Whose kids?" Gomez spoke up. "He didn't know. He even asked the kids who their parents were but they just kept asking to come in the house." Tish replied. "Anyway, he said when he really got scared was when both kids looked up at him and their eyes were black. Their eyes were completely black." Tish kept relaying everything Ol Shiloh told her. Gomez, Don & Bubba looked at her as if she'd grown a 2nd head. "I'm just telling you what he said." Tish defended. "When he saw those black eyes? He panicked, slammed and locked the wooden door and told them to go away. They did." Tish finished. "So what does Lt. Dan want us to do with a couple of kids with colored contacts pranking the local crazy Vietnam Vet?" Don sighed. "I offered for you to swing by his place on patrol tonight. He was pleased with that." Tish informed. "FFS. Fine. Bubba and I can swing by a few times tonight as long as it shuts that old crazy bastard up." Don resigned to his fate. "You know, Don? No one will ever accuse you of being too caring." Tish just rolled her eyes. "BTW? What was the joke you guys were laughing at?" Tish suddenly remembered. "There was a young Indian warrior who asked the tribe's chief one day how he decided on all of the babies' names when they were born since he was given the honor of naming all of the children"... Bubba began. "He said, "My son, if there is an eagle flying over when a child is being born? I call that child Eagle Flying Over. If there is snow gently falling when a child is being born? I call that child Snow Gently Falling, but tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why do you ask?" Bubba finished to a 2nd round of uproarious laughter. "For Christ's sake, Bubba. You ain't got a lick of sense!" Gomez wiped a tear of laughter from his eye and proceeded to leave he and Don in charge while he and Tish left for the day.
They got into the SUV and headed towards the Blue Bayou Creole restaurant. Most quaint and quirky hometowns have that one little restaurant everyone loves. The Blue Bayou was Eerie, Indiana's version. The seafood buffet on Friday nights were always a hit. As much as Tish & Gomez were home bodies? They did enjoy an occasional night at the Blue Bayou.
Bubba and Don drank coffee and told more dirty jokes. Swinging by Ol Shiloh's place a few times tonight will help break up the monotony. Poor ol bastard didn't mean any harm. He was just messed up in the head. Kids with all black eyes? What the hell was that all about, anyway?
Ol Shiloh really wanted to believe Tish. He really did. He knew, deep down inside, if Ginny, Craig and the boys at Eerie PD couldn't help him? No one could. Well, he has his shot gun on the rack, but who would threaten to shoot children? He saw enough of that shit cleaning out villages of their denizens back in jungle. He never intended to live that kind of hell, again. Strange looking kids or not, they still at least looked like kids. He just couldn't bring himself to shoot a child.
He was nodding off in his recliner. The sun was dipping below the horizon.
Tish & Gomez sat and ate and caught up with the day's activities. "Ol Shiloh was really that scared, huh?" Gomez asked Tish in a low voice so others couldn't overhear. "Yeah. Yeah, he was. It was unsettling." Tish was clearly still bothered. "I'll remind Don later on tonight when I check in, I promise." Gomez reassured. "Please, do. I've never heard fear in his voice before. It's really got me shook." Tish slowly relaxed and let the stress melt away as she took another spoonful of gumbo. "Consider it done." Gomez smiled and began eating as well.
Was it a knock? He couldn't be sure. The house was dark but Shiloh knew his own home. He slowly got up from the recliner and proceeded to the door. Could it be? He hoped not. Even as much as he knew those little demons were going to return? He had really hoped he'd be wrong. One quick look through the glass of the wooden door proved he was not. There they were: same dark-haired pale boy and girl but there was something different this time. There was a 3rd party out there but the darkness prevented him from making out who it was. This 3rd party was taller and bigger, clearly an adult but that was the only clear thing.
"Please, Shiloh, let us in. We're cold. We're hungry. Our mother is worried." Both children said in unison. The 3rd party waited in the wings. "I don't know you little mother fuckers so how did you know my name?" Shiloh raged. He was still scared but more angry now.
"Rosie told us." Both children simultaneously chirped happily.
Wait, what? Rosie? Rosie as in my Rosie? The Rosie I cruelly lost just 4 January's ago? "ROSIE? What the hell you mean Rosie?" Ol Shiloh thought that he'd lost what little mind he had left. Just then? Something happened that flipped Ol Shiloh's world upside down.
"Shiloh Shenandoah? Is that you, my love?" Rosie. It was Rosie. Bigger than shit, it was his beloved wife of over 50 years. How, though? It couldn't be. He saw her on the slab in the morgue when he had to identify her. It couldn't be. She was 4 years in the ground! Yet, there she stood behind the black eyed children looking at him with the same set of obsidian black eyes.
"Rosie? That can't be you. You died a month after our 50th wedding anniversary! You've been gone 4 years!" Ol Shiloh's mind was reeling and he didn't know what to do.
"Don't you love me, anymore, my dear? I thought you'd be so happy to see me." Rosie smiled a smile that would have otherwise been beautiful if it weren't sitting below 2 pitch black eyes.
"Don't ask silly questions, Rosie. You're the only one for me. You always have been. You always will be." Shiloh was opening the screen door. The dark-haired pale children grabbed the storm door from the other side and pulled, Rosie with her sinister grin and black eyes moved forward.
"Let us in, Shiloh." The children and Rosie crossed the threshold and, immediately afterwards? Shiloh let out a scream coming from the death throws. As painful as it was? At least the ripping out of his throat by the children's mouths was, mercifully, quick.
"Bubba! You are one redneck, peckerwood cracker!" Don rolled his eyes as he drove along at a steady pace patrolling. "You know I'm right! You just don't want to admit it!" Bubba was getting equally irritated with Don in his response. Don's wife, Allison, was, indeed, Tish's little sister. She was also "the town doorknob" as Old Shiloh not so eloquently called her. She was well known to everyone as Eerie's town slut even though she married Don 10 years ago. Guess it's true what the song says, you can't turn a ho into a housewife.
"Dude, I know you love her but she's always gonna be the town whore, Man" Bubba tried backpedaling at least some.
"Will you shut up? Will you just shut the fuck up? I'm tired of hearing this shit!" Don lost it and blew up on Bubba. Bubba, in turn, shut down and stopped speaking.
They rolled onto James Dean Boulevard and proceeded to Ol Shiloh's place. It was dark, lonely and isolated. Shiloh was never one for neighbors, but something seemed even more off. Something just didn't seem right. Isn't that what Tish described earlier when Shiloh spoke to her on the phone? She said she heard fear. They'd never known Ol Shiloh to be fearful. Today? All of that changed.
Don & Bubba slowly crept up Shiloh's long driveway. Don tried rolling the spotlight on the cruiser up onto Shiloh's front porch. It was still a weak beam of light but was getting brighter. "What the fuck?" Don hit the brakes. "What is it?" Bubba looked at Don like he was absolutely crazy. "The door is open. Actually? Both of them are." Don shone the spotlight onto the open screen and wooden doors. They could tell both doors were open but could see nothing else due to the darkness.
"I don't like this, Bubba." Don was intrepid and softly pressed on the accelerator.
"Don, should we call Tish & Gomez? I mean, I know it's their night out but..." Bubba trailed off.
They sat in the driveway next to Ol Shiloh's porch. Other than both front doors being open? They couldn't see a thing.
Don and Bubba slowly approached the porch, guns drawn. It was dark but something was lying just inside the open front doors. As they advanced? It was boots. Jump boots that had a high polish shine. Those boots were connected to legs. Shiloh's legs.
"Jesus Christ, call for a bus!" Don yelled for Bubba to radio in for an ambulance.
Shiloh laid at the entrance to his home, flat on his back, staring with dead cold wide open eyes straight to and through the ceiling. A look of abject horror plastered all over his face. His throat was ripped out almost to his spinal cord.
"Oh, God, I'm gonna puke!" Bubba ran back outside where the evening's coffee went all over the sidewalk.
"Call the coroner, too. This is gonna be a God damn circus!" Don didn't attempt to get a pulse considering Shiloh's carotid arteries and jugular veins had been viciously ripped out.
Bubba wiped his mouth and started calling all of the necessary people. Don stood next to Shiloh with his hands holding his head in disbelief.
"Our 1st kill was a success." The dark-haired pale boy said to the creature that looked like Rosie.
"It was this time. We must improve. We must refine. If we don't evolve? We wither and die. What would the point be to just stop at the 1st kill? The colony could never advance if we never pursued other avenues to further our agenda." The creature that looked like Rosie opined.
The dark-haired pale boy and girl nodded in sync with everything the creature that looked like Rosie said. Is this how their occupation of Terra was really going to commence? Given everything the Alliance taught them? They thought the humans would be more violent and aggressive. Perhaps? The distant study of the Terrestrials proved incorrect in practice in comparison to theory. Perhaps the Terrestrials will gladly cease resistance when they realize just how futile it will be.
PART 1: The Windows to the Soul: Shiloh's final battle END

So I'm sure you've all seen the episode and know it well but so I don't need to go on a long winded explanation. Suffice it to say, the Wormhole Aliens (WA) give Sisko a vision (memory? It's not clear if this was something that actually happened or of it was a made up scenario concocted by the WA).
In the vision Sisko plays out a few days as a science fiction writer in the 60s who experiences racial discrimination in the form of police abuse, being left out if publicity photos because of his skin colour and his publisher refusing to publish his story because it features a black hero. This culminates in him having a nervous breakdown abd being taken away by an ambulance before the vision ends and Sisko wakes up as hinself.
So what exactly was the point? What were the WA trying to teach Sisko? WERE they trying to teach him something? Or was this just them playing a prank? He didn't seem to learn any sort of lesson. His takeaway at the end was basically "what if THIS world isn't real? What if it's all just like, a simulation man?"
Don't get me wrong, I liked the episode. I thought the story was good and the actors did a great job. Avery in particular knocked it out of the park. But it makes no sense in the overarching narrative of the series. I mean, most of the filler episodes still have some (however small) connection to the larger plot or at least offer some character development. This episode however, has zero connection to anything going on and offers no character development (which makes sense considering Sisko, Kassidy and Bashir are in it for like 5 minutes total and then are replaced by different people entirely). It didn't really even feel like an episode of the same show.
If there had been some takeaway beyond 'maybe none of this is real' than I could understand but like, I just didn't get it.

As table setting, I haven’t listened to MBMBaM in three years, give-or-take, so I have no clue what the modren era (😎) of the show is like. However, I have been hate-listening to a movie podcast enough that I’ve actually turned a corner into liking it, so I feel spiritually ready for this. Plus I’m a little drunk, which has never been a bad decision for anybody ever.
0:00 - I’ve always kind of disliked the intro, especially the “cool baby” part, and sadly that has not changed with time.
0:20 - First time hearing the new theme song, which is fine if a little twee for my taste. I weirdly hate how they deliver the “1, 2, 3, 4” up top, but that’s just nitpicky. We can’t all be DeeDee Ramone, you know?
1:10 - Introductions. Travis introduces himself as “noted intellectual and middlest brother”, and Griffin just says “…And I’m Griffin… McElroy”. I didn’t laugh, but I did actually find that slightly funny, so I’m optimistic for how this goes.
1:35 - Justin has invented a new game that he wants to play called “Simply the Guests” where he tells them who guested on a celebrity’s podcast and they have to guess the celebrity. Travis points out that the title is a touching tribute (to Tina Turner, he clarifies a few seconds later) and there’s a bit where Justin and Griffin pretend not to know she died that Justin interrupts with a parody song. Is this too soon? I can’t tell, but I also only get my celebrity death news from Simpsons memes.
2:31 - I’ve had to pause and restart enough times that I’ve realized how shitty the web player is, since I have to click like three times before it registers as being on the page and actually trying to play instead of just highlighting the button, and if I try to click the 15 second rewind button it usually skips to the ~11 minute mark right above the button. However, I refuse to actually download the episode because if I do that, Jesse Thorne wins.
2:58 - Justin only has one round prepared, but expects it will take longer than they expect. Griffin rightly questions if it’s actually possible to play this game based on the information that will be provided. Travis says that sometimes when he comes up with a game, it’s like when you start off at level 1 fighting Sephiroth and die, but it just takes you to a cutscene and is all part of the game. I’m struggling to think of games he’s come up, which is maybe a metaphor for how I never finished FFVII. Justin says it should be easy if their heads are on a swivel, and 50-50 if they’re half paying attention.
4:30 - Justin is giving the guests in order as they’ve appeared: Billy Ray Cryrus, John Carter Cash, Billy Bush, Albert Pujols. Griffin laughs and makes a joke about how his head is on a swivel but it hurts, and I’m shocked and a little disappointed that it wasn’t a joke about how one of the greatest Cardinals of all time has a name that’s pronounced “Poo Holes”.
5:00 - The next guests listed Adam Carrolla, Clint Black, and Gary Busey. Travis incorrectly guesses Blake Shelton. Justin says Katie Couric was the next guess, and Griffin’s postulation of Kevin Sorbo is apparently pretty close.
6:10 - Dr. Drew is the next guest. Travis asks if they would be willing to guest, and Justin says he likes to think they’d have a nice long talk about it. Griffin guesses Randy Quaid. Justin neither confirms nor denies, but instead finishes listing the guests - Sharon Stone, Martin Short, Mike Lindell (the MyPillow CEO), Jim Brown, and Anthony Fauci. I actually kind of like this game, because what the fuck?
8:40 - Justin says he’ll give them an episode title for any celeb mentioned. Travis picks Sharon Stone, who covered “Pandemics, Social Justice Movements, and Animal Actors”. Griffin picks Pujols, who covers “Baseball, Downs Syndrome, and Living the American Dream”, and asked if there were other baseball players on the list.
10:05 - Justin admits he skipped Jimmy Morris because he didn’t know who that is. I didn’t either, but I have the power of Google and in the time it took him to explain why he was skipped, learned that he starting playing for Tampa Bay Devil Rays when he was 35 and The Rookie was based on him.
10:30 - Travis and Griffin discuss “Sorbo adjacent” celebrities and Justin scolds them for not talking to each other, saying that’s what a podcast is and that he’s trying to do a podcast. To paraphrase a joke from Jon Gabrus, it’s three straight white men talking, we already know it’s a podcast.
11:30 - Travis suggests Dennis Quaid, since he has a strong connection to baseball and Christ. Griffin agrees and Travis is in fact correct. Ironically, that means that Jimmy Morris was probably the most helpful clue, since Dennis Quaid starred in The Rookie. Justin offers a bonus for naming the show, and says it’s something with “Dennis”. Griffin accurately guesses “The Dennissance”.
13:45 - Justin mentions Morris was the titular rookie, and claims that people forget Dennis Quaid. They discuss the Quaid siblings a bit and advise Dennis to get back in the podcasting game.
15:15 - First question of the episode: “My boyfriend and I were looking for a bar before your Columbus TAZ show and walked by one that looked empty and not our vibe, but it had tinted windows so it was hard to tell. We walked to another bar and inside the door person flagged us down and said someone was looking for us. We were already inside this other bar when the woman who was working at the first bar said she saw us looking in and said “Please come into my bar - we have cheaper drinks. We were confused and startled and decided to stay at the bar we were already at, but we weren’t sure if we regretted it because this person went to the effort to chase us down half a block, cross a busy street, went through a revolving door to get to us. Also, the drinks at the bar were expensive. Should we have gone back to the other bar instead?” - Confused in Columbus. Not to brag, but I’ve been to a lot of bars in my lifetime and can say with some confidence this didn’t happen.
16:05 - They immediately answer that, no, they should not have gone back to the other bar. Travis accurately points out that weird pursuit aside, if they have that little business then 100% of the focus would be on them. Griffin thinks they would have had a tremendous amount of power and would get their drinks immediately, and the bartender might have cool stories. They discuss how bad the design of this bar is that it’s impossible to see inside, both because they crave attention and so that someone will notice in case they go missing.
18:45 - Travis says if he ran a restaurant across from another restaurant, he would go up to patrons at the competitor and try to lure them away. Apparently Tom Green did this with pizza delivery as a TV show, and Justin thinks he would have Shark Tank’d it if it was a viable option.
19:36 - Travis says Tom Green would’ve probably called it “Shart Tank”. I laughed out loud.
20:00 - Griffin says in Austin they basically have to have barkers for the various bars given the amount of competition for foot traffic and Justin thinks they should just go for hyper-local advertising.
21:00 - Travis offers Griffin an investment opportunity, claiming he needs angel investors. Justin is incensed that he isn’t offered the chance, and Griffin says it’s because he has no money but maybe his “crypto shit’s gonna pay off some day”. Justin says he doesn’t have “crypto shits unless I’ve been eating cryp-tacos” (Griffin pitches crypto-salsa) and that Superman hates cleaning up Krypto shits.
21:44 - Travis points out that Superman named his dog after a thing he hates. I swear this had to be a Seinfeld joke at some point, since the two things I know about Jerry Seinfeld are (a) he loves Superman and (b) he’s not funny. Actually, I know a third thing, which is that he dated a 17-year-old when he was 38. Anyway, fuck that guy.
21:50 - Travis pitches having a long stretch of connected bars by buying all the existing bars and knocking down the connecting walls. Griffin and Justin point out that’s essentially the Disneyland model, and Justin mentions the Goofy sour balls.
21:51 - I Googled “Goofy sour balls” and thankfully it was a real candy. Griffin indignantly says that they stopped making them and that “Goofy took his sour balls away”. Travis says “He washed them” and they ignore him. I laughed out loud again, man’s really winning me back. They continue on this riff, making more and worse versions of the same joke.
24:07 - Question 2: “I’m enrolled in summer college courses. In one of my classes, a guy in front of me likes to stretch backwards over his chair with his eyes closed. His head basically ends up right on my desk and he will breathe in my face. I’ve had to move my laptop to stop him from laying on it. Am I the weird one for staring at the guy as he disrupts all my belongings and my personal space? He does it more than five times a class. It’s very awkward and makes it hard to focus on the lecture. Should I say something? Help me brothers, how do I stop this stretching bandit from stealing my peace of mind?” - Cramped College Co-Ed in Canada.
24:57 - Justin has an immediate suggestion. I assume it’s the actual solution, which is to say something like an adult or just switch seats, but nope, it’s the old chestnut of put some jelly on it. Griffin suggests surprise massage. Travis clarifies that they’re definitely ignoring the “excuse me, could you not do that” option, which Griffin confirms because it’s not very funny. This takes me back to when I used to regularly listen, since part of the driving force for me stopping was the sheer number of questions that could be solved by two seconds of slightly awkward conversation. I totally get it, social anxiety is a bitch and I’ve absolutely been there, but the lack of funny kinda stems from the question. They all agree, and Travis suggests adding broken glass to the jelly.
26:57 - Griffins goes back to the massage suggestion, with “dual percussive massagers”. Justin suggests hovering over them and saying “There’s my sweet boy” and Travis suggests a “little kiss on the forehead” which, thankfully, they immediately shoot down. Still, I’m uncomfortable.
28:00 - Justin points out that, if someone actually followed the advice they give, the problem would be solved, it’s just a question of consequences. There’s some more discussion of the Quaids but my spirit is a little broken and I can’t bring myself to rewind to accurately transcribe any of it.
29:43 - Money Zone: Travis says, “Well Justin,” and Justin misidentifies him as Griffin. So far, hardest laugh of the episode. The ad is for Zocdoc, which Justin mispronounces a lot. I assume any service that advertises on a podcast is actually just a money laundering scheme, medical stuff doubly so, but it does remind me that MaxFun podcasts are the only ones where I can tell the ad copy was done in a single take with no edits. I admire it, in a way.
32:45 - A MaxFun ad for “Just the Zoo of Us”, which is apparently a podcast where they rate animals on their “effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics”. It kind of worked on me, which is to say I’m debating the merits of getting a Zoobooks subscription as a childless woman approaching her thirties.
33:30 - A MaxFun ad for “Feeling Seen”, where the editor likes to play the game of taking a sip of coffee anytime the guest says how good a question is, how smart the host is, or cries unexpectedly. I cannot stress enough how much this makes me not want to listen. I don’t even have anything snide to say, I’m just genuinely put off by it.
34:19 - Griffin introduces the Wizard of the Cloud: How to “Talk Nerdy” to someone, which is meant to help you talk to the “cute nerd in your science class” by becoming more adorkable to them. Justin and Travis are disgusted by the word “adorkable”, which feels like a real split with their brand of appealing to mid-2010s Tumblr users.
36:00 - Travis points out that this article presupposes that nerdy people only want to be seduced with nerdy things, and will shun all other romance. The original pickup line is “Are you a carbon sample? Because I definitely want to date you. If you’ve seen The Big Bang Theory, you already know science and physics nerds are the best” Travis punches it up with “I’ve got a theory that we should Big Bang.” Currently he’s batting a thousand for me.
36:55 - Wikihow asks “Can math be sexy?” They talk about how sexy 8 is and Travis makes a 69 joke, so I retract my previous statement. There’s a gross astronomy-based pickup line saying “Do you mind if my comet enters your solar system” and “Hey, nice asteroids”. Mercifully, no “Can I touch Uranus?”
38:30 - More bad pickup lines, now about computers. Apparently “You’re hotter than the bottom of my laptop” is a good come-on. The video game lines are equally impressive, and Wikihow recommends that distracting gamers away from their games is easier said than done. These are more sexually charged than before, but no more clever.
43:30 - We’ve arrived at Star Wars. Wikihow says “Jedis are tough nuts to crack, so you may need to use the Force to woo them effectively.” It’s been a while, but I’m fairly certain Jedis aren’t allowed to fall in love and that’s kind of a whole thing with the prequel trilogy. Also, are we not doing phrasing anymore? Cuz Jesus, they should take a second pass at that.
43:46 - Wikihow suggests several “Yoda-approved pickup lines”, and they do some bad Yoda impressions like “pull down some trim, you will” and “wet, you will get”. This is apparently a thing they’ve done before called “Clipping Yoda”. Justin makes a “something something something, I thought they smelled bad on the outside” joke.]
46:08 - They discuss the very limited situations when the suggested “I find your lack of nudity disturbing” is acceptable, then move on to the Lord of the Rings lines which are equally questionable. Travis brings up the theory that Frodo doesn’t know Legolas’ name, and now I wanna rewatch LotR.
50:09 - Justin suggests coming up with their own lines, which results in “You make me feel like John Rhys-Davies in Sliders, cuz I wanna climb in those holes” and Griffin looking up “nerd movies”.
51:40 - Question 3: “My bank has been advertising a home ownership service to help folks buy and sell homes. I usually ignore them, but this time they’ve been offering a chance to win a flattop grill package with a $100 gift card to a very expensive butcher. I’ve been really wanting to get my dad a new grill. Brothers, I have no way of buying a house, let alone sell one. They’re contacting me, trying to help me buy a house. How do I explain to them I’m only entered to maybe win the grill and have no interest in the service?” From the Poor Hopeful in B (?).
53:00 - First of all. Second, they suggest the asker (a) admits they were only in it for the grill or (b) saying they have a budget of $750 for a furnished home. It devolves into a riff about Bobby Flay and pitches for “Flay Bobby Flay” and “Bob Bobby Flay” to see if he floats.
56:15 - Plugs for stuff and the end of the episode.
Closing Thoughts: I actually enjoyed that, although with a lot of stopping and starting to write this. Also anyone who likes Clipping Yoda may also like Action Boyz, because pedophile Yoda is a surprisingly rich vein to mine. I don’t think I’ll ever actually pick up listening again, since I have about 280 episodes of Off Book to get to first and this whole recap has made me really contemplate my mortality, but I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it

What is your birthday wish ?

In the part 1 video, I already got explain what is my birthday wishes. There is one more wish which I never mention in my part 1 video because I felt it is impossible to happen. But I hope this thing can be possible. Because I hope that one of my birthday wish can come true. That is Goddess Mistress Luna to forgive me. If Mistress Luna can forgive me, this will be one of my very very happy birthday gifts. Very very happy birthday present. A very very happy birthday wish. So this is one of my birthday wish. For my other wish, you can refer to my part 1 video.

Mistake again

On 18th May 2023, I go and work Adhoc security job at the Raffles Institution. When I off duty, I forgot to return the access card. Because you need the access card to access many of the areas inside the RI. As a result, after my night shift work on the 22th May, I need to go from Bukit Batok condominium Adhoc job to Marymount to return the access card. Its a fucking waste of time. I shouldn't have forget to return the card, which is a fucking fucking big big big mistake that shouldn't have happen. Its wasting time. On 30th May 2023 (Tuesday), I made a mistake again. After night shift work, I open my plastic bag containing smart phone. How come so wet ? Got water one. I was shocked because the phone got water. Means its at risk or spoil. I think and think how come got water. After I check everything, you know what happened ? The perfume maybe never close tight enough. As a result, the whole bottle of perfume spit out inside the bag and my phone kenna the perfume water. So after that, my mother say should put a zip lock bag, in case the perfume thing come out, the water is still inside the ziplock bag, not come out and anyhow spread. So this is a fucking big mistake because once the phone spoil, honggan already. Because I got no money go and buy new phone. So this type of mistake shouldn't have happened.

If you book new BDSM mistress in August and if Goddess Mistress Luna found out, will she be angry ?

There's nothing wrong with me to go and find new BDSM mistress because currently Goddess Mistress Luna has banned me. If she ban me, I go and find other BDSM mistress, its alright. Its OK. If she never ban me, then I shouldn't go and find other BDSM mistresses and I should have stayed loyal to her. So you see, she banned me. If I don't go and find other BDSM mistresses, she also still ban me. So of course I need to go and find new BDSM mistresses.

Do you think you will forget about Mistress Luna after you engage good fans BDSM services in August ?

This is very hard to say. I am not sure. Maybe after I meet my female fans who is also a professional BDSM mistress. Maybe after I engage her, maybe I can finally forget about Goddess Mistress Luna. This one I cannot tell you the answer now. I can only tell you after I engage the new BDSM mistress in August.

If you have Doraemon time machine and go back to change school and teacher, will you end up passing O level or will you end up walking the same path ?

If I got Doraemon time machine, I will go back find the toto number to become the millionaire. Why the fuck will I care about passing O levels ? Come on. If I got time travel machine and I know which number will come out in future, I go and buy then I will confirm become a super super millionaire or even a billionaire. Why will I go back to the Doraemon time machine to pass my O level ? For what ? How much can you earn if you pass your O level ? If I can go back to the past, I going to buy the number that confirm can come out then I become the millionaire or billionaire. That is more important.

Since you always kenna prank calls, maybe you can try do phone sex operator ?

First of all, I don't know what the fuck is phone sex operator. I have never heard of this before. Can explain more to me about phone sex operator ? Because seriously I have never heard of this job before. What the fuck is phone sex operator ?

Will Ah Kim do fisting for you if you pay ? Need to show her how big your ass is. Can give birth. How many fists can go inside your anal hole at the same time.

Ah Kim my wife will never agree to fist fuck my ass. Its too extreme for her. Even I got money to pay her to leash me like a dog, she wont do that because its too extreme for her. So answer is No. She will not do that. Keith ask a funny question. If a fist can go inside your anal hole, you are very very awesome man. Very incredible already. Unbelievable. I don't think there is anyone in this world that can two fist go inside the anal hole. Maybe a vagina can. How can two fists go inside the anal hole ?

If your anal hole is so big, how come your face gek until so difficult ?

BDBYZD. That is called purposely one. Acting. You know what is called acting or not. I purposely make that expression so that people can laugh, so they feel funny because I am a comedian. 我是搞笑的演员。我是走搞笑的路线。 So if I pangsai, I no expression, its not funny, so you must gek sai, so got expression. If no expression, it will be very very boring. Its called acting. Simple things like this also dunno. Wah piang eh. Jialat sia.

How come you forgot your lines during latest commercial filming ?

Quite a few people ask this question. This question is so simple because they also don't understand. Again this is called acting. Its for the effect. Purposely one so that can make it funny because I am a comedian. Purposely during commercial, they want me to act like I forget my line so that it looks funny. So simple you also don't know. So simple also don't understand. Wah lan eh. Sibeh jialat sia.

Funeral type of jobs, you want try ? Like undertaker.

Jay say that the money is very good. Answer is No. You want the ghosts to come up ah. I told you before why I don't want the old flat because the old flat what happened got ghost inside the house ? So you still want me to try certain jobs like the undertaker like funeral all these. No the thing is this, not that I scared of ghost or what. Because I am human God. I scared something happen to my family, not me. I am human God man. I only worry for my family.

That time you talk until got tiger got dragon but when the lawyer letter come, you got scared. How come behave like pussy ? That time say you don't mind Mistress Luna to send me the lawyer letter but when she send you lawyer letter, you so scared.

BDBYZD. I am not scared to go to jail to meet DeeKosh inside the jail. You see go to jail, you got free food to eat. Everyday no need to work, got food to eat already. But however, I must think of my family, I must think of my parents, my Papa, my mama, my wife. I think about my son, my daughter. If I go to jail to meet DeeKosh and Amos Yee inside the jail then my family how? Who will feed my family ? Because I am the only one who need to feed my whole family. Without me, they where got food to eat. I scared not because I timid. Because I worry about my family. If I am single, seriously I don't mind to go to jail because it is nothing to me.

You should sell fart. He showed me this article about Kiara Kitty. She is selling fart in a jar for $30.

Seriously man. When I heard of this thing sell the fart, I was shocked. Who want to buy fart in a jar ? I think maybe unless the person escape from IMM. No no no. Escape from IMH. Then the person will buy the jar. Inside they contain the fart. How you know inside got fart ? Maybe inside just empty bottle. The Kiara Kitty say her fart inside. Maybe its just bottle. How do you know inside is fart ? Are you going to open the bottle and smell ? Cannot be right. If you open the bottle of the jar, the fart will come out from the jar then no more already. So you cannot open. If you can open, how do you determine inside got fart or not. You see certain things only a beautiful chiobu can earn money. But for guys, its very hard.

Since you got financial problems, why don't you go and do OnlyFans ?

If I am a beautiful chiobu, I will confirm go and do OnlyFans, wear sexy sexy bikinis all these. Can earn more than $10k per month. But me, nobody will be interested because I am not a chiobu. Certain things a girl can do only but guys cannot. If I were to sell my fart or go and do OnlyFans (wear sexy sexy), it will not work because I am not a beautiful chiobu. If I beautiful chiobu, I will go and do OnlyFans already and earn a lot of money. Got money why I don't want ? Because I know nobody will be interested. Btw the people who go and buy the fart in the jar really got something wrong in their brain. Got mental problem. Only mental problem people will go and buy the jar with fart. 神经到无可救药。 No medicine can cure them.

What do you think of WideAd and how they type all your Q&A ?

First of all, this WideAd or Reddit or whatever. Every time transcribe my Q&A, cause a lot of problems. Because some lazy people will just go and read the Reddit instead of watching my Q&A videos. So this cause my viewership to go down, to decrease. As a result, the lesser viewership I get, the lesser money I earn. So its terrible. And btw, there are certain things that maybe the people who transcribe the Q&A, sometimes he don't understand what I am talking then he anyhow type nonsense. If you are real fans, please watch my Q&A. Don't go and read what Reddit.

If one day if you happen to meet Goddess Mistress Luna in the public and she asked you to knee down to apologize to her, will you do that ?

If I happen to meet Goddess Mistress Luna in the public place, I will ask for her forgiveness. I will apologize to her personally. If she require me to knee down in the public place to apologize to her, will I do it or not ? Answer is Yes. Even though I am a public figure, many many people recognize me because I super super famous. But if knee down in public can make her forgive me, I think i don't mind. Even though its so embarrassing, so embarrassing. Even though its so embarrassing, I will still do it. Its worth the embarrassment as long as she forgive me, its OK.

You say championship belt cure depression and help to overcome all obstacles in your life. Why are you still making mistakes and need new Kurt Tay to arrive ?

I mention 4th June 2023 will be the last time the new Kurt Tay will arrive. As far for the question, let me explain. I got explain before because that time I was thinking I was a WWE champion, NXT champion, WCW world champion, AEW world champion. So after I lose the fight to the fishball Loh Jia Hung, it caused serious depression and the depression is not so easily cured. And that is why dog slave spirit enter my body. All I know is that I kenna gongtao too strong. Last time I say I autocum can force the slave spirit to come out of my body. But I try many times, still cannot come out The gongtao is too strong. Too powerful already. Really really bo bian (no choice)

Hi everyone. Here today I present you with a theory of mine that I came up with about a week ago and I wanted to share with the community to get your thoughts on it.
This one is in regards to the FNAF movie teaser, and is about the single most spectacular thing from it which is the Freddy head with the spinning saws in it. What is it? What's it's significance? That's what I aim to solve with this theory here today.
Before I start I wanted to say that I came up with this theory while watching MatPat's analysis of the teaser. This theory is my own, but it was inspired and thought up while watching his analysis and listening to his theories about the teaser. Now to get into it.
I think that when most people saw this Freddy head torture device along with the torture chair that the night guard gets strapped down to, people were not sure what to make of it. First off this theory is going to relate to the phone calls from the phone guy in FNAF 1. It's very reasonable to believe that the person getting strapped to the chair in the trailer is not "Mike", but is the second security guard we see in the trailer. The one we see screaming as the camera which is supposedly some animatronic threat closing in on him. This is because, while we do see Mike also end up in the chair somehow as from the shot where he's pulling back from the device, we know that the other security guard also gets himself into the same situation because on the couple of shots where we see the metal restrainers hold down his wrist and his chest, we can see that the outfit the man is wearing is a lot more formal that Mike's fit from the trailer, and it identically matches the one of the security guard at the end of the trailer. Perhaps once whatever is making him scream in the teaser catches him there and brings him to the torture device.
Now why would the animatronics be doing that? I wanted to bring up something that most people in the community already know, but deserves some explanation, which are the red eyes of the animatronics. Now, in various points of the lore when an animatronic has red eyes it means that they are being controlled by someone, namely William Afton (The Silver Eyes book, Security Breach). I believe that what might be happening in the trailer is that at that point that security guard has some stake against William Afton or is put in some position where William either needs to get rid of him or has him no longer useful. Therefore, what he does is he sends one of the animatronics after him to capture him and take him to the torture chair where his face will be shredded.
Now, that leads me to the main part of this post of what all of this means to the story. First let's go back to FNAF 1 and recall some things to the table. As we know in FNAF 1 the phone guy tells you that once you get caught by the animatronics they'll force you into one of the spare suits and you die. At the time of hearing that years ago in that game it's a very creepy thing, but now in modern FNAF it's a concept that is left in the past and never talked about anymore. FNAF 1 is the only game where when you lose the animatronics "stuff you in a suit" as supposed to just killing you. Every other animatronic in all the other games just attack you. FNAF 2 the Toys lash out at you because they think you're a criminal. FNAF 3 Springtrap just kills you because he's Springtrap. The Funtimes are essentially made to kill. But the concept of being stuffed is never brought up again. What happens when you get stuffed? Why does being stuffed cause your eyeballs and teeth to pop out of the mask? If you think about that last question it doesn't really make total sense. How would pressure from an animatronic pushing you're head into a suit cause your eyes and teeth to pop out of your face. It's a scary concept, but doesn't make total sense. What if the animatronics bring you to the back room and when you get "stuffed" into a suit, and they put the Freddy head on you, it's actually this torture device from the movie teaser? What if the saws inside the Freddy head that spice up it's victim's face is what actually causes your eyeballs and teeth to conceptually "pop" out the front of the mask? That's what I think we are seeing in the movie teaser. We are seeing what actually happens when the animatronics catch you. And of course the animatronics are filled with rage being the hostile souls of children, but it's such a specific action for them to stuff you into a Freddy suit when they catch you. Again like I said FNAF 1 is the only game where that concept is mentioned and they do that. That's why in order for them to do this William Afton is controlling them and makes them bring the victim to the torture device to have their face sliced off. Why would he do this? It's because William is collecting remnant. We've seen him make use of killer robots before in the series with Sister Location, so why not with these animatronics too? Before I wrap this part up I want to clear up that the animatronics are of course possessed and angry. They will definitely be looking around for Mike in the movie wanting to lash out at him with their rageful spirits, but in order to do this oddly specific action in putting whoever they catch into their torture device AKA "getting stuffed in a Freddy suit" then William Afton would have to be influencing them and making them do that.
Finally, the last part and maybe the most interesting part of my theory is this. Who is that second security guard? Who is the guy we see get strapped down to the torture chair? Well, what if this man is the one and only Phone Guy from FNAF 1? My reason for believing this is as follows. Judging by the movie teaser we know that he get's himself into the chair sooner or later as I described above. Whether he dies or doesn't is unclear, but I'm going to explain why I think he will. As we know the Phone Guy in FNAF 1 is the one who tells you what happens when you get stuff inside a Freddy suit. Later on in the game in the night 4 phone call he dies as his shift that night hadn't gone well. However, listen to what he says before he's about to die - "I always wondered what was in those empty heads... back there..." When FNAF 1 first came out people could see this line as a throw away scary line meaning that he's pondering there being human heads or corpses inside the empty heads and costumes in the back. But what if that's not the case? What if the on the brink of death the Phone Guy is actually strapped down to the torture chair we see in the teaser making his final voice recording as he's looking into what REALLY inside the empty Freddy heads? It's not some human head corpse or other haunted figure. It's a torture device made by William Afton for collecting remnant! What if William Afton had sent the animatronics to the Phone Guy that night after Phone Guy had been getting a little too curious and aware of what had been going on, and found out about the little incite and information he was sneaking into his voice memos for future employers; giving them tips about things he shouldn't have even known? Phone Guy was too smart for the job and was becoming very aware, so William Afton had to get rid of him. So when Phone Guy was killed, he was killed by this William Afton made torture device for collecting remnant after the William sent animatronics captured him, and so he also found out what was really inside the empty Freddy Fazbear heads on the night he died.
If you made it this far thank you for reading my theory! I hope you enjoyed reading and you like my ideas on what the Freddy saw head thing from the movie teaser could be and the identity of the second security guard also from the movie teaser. Let me know your thoughts about it in the replies, and add onto this theory if you have any more information to add that I might have missed and you want to make this theory even bigger!
Thanks again for reading!
- Joseph

I don't regard myself as an expert at this game but I play almost exclusively on Lethal now.
I rarely pull any crew from my Legacy Pool, but I do "lean" on the Legacy Pool to overcome problems (call it spamming or savescumming or cheesing I don't mind) with getting from "launch" to having the Infirmary built - as you will see it is not in my gameplan to do that "super early" and I have typically eliminated 5+ hearts before establishing the Infirmary.
I don't use things like the firework gun thing and generally I avoid calling in the Impaler.
Below is Drucker County. This is at "pre boon mission" - and I will probably restart the map rather than do the Boon mission, as I have already done them all and they are boring.
For reference at the end of the game, I have survived 12 days: less than 2 weeks. That means killing 2 or 3 hearts a day. I'm pretty sure this time around I had no community deaths, although I did exile a couple of people and I think one might have been plague effected after getting a heart to a phase.
Here is my community having just killed the last heart. Nobody has maxxed all 5 stats yet, and only 2 have maxxed anything at all - Vasquez was recruited with Automechanic already maxxed... I have finished the game occupying Wallys Bar and Grill (the cafe type place in Santa Maya, the centre of the map). None of my characters are Sheriffs - so I have not been able to "finish" the Lounge.
https://preview.redd.it/hjvz1vywhw3b1.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=d59849abd43974f355e47c58267c9d1210876d51
For this walkthrough I used Builder and Sheriff boons. I find Trader and Warlord dump a bunch of stuff on you at the start which simply amps the starting difficulty without particularly providing a long-term benefit.
https://preview.redd.it/14fbilv8gw3b1.png?width=1611&format=png&auto=webp&s=b2d385d3482ceab405dd4578c4c444852aa90c7b
The image below shows what I do before I claim the Vogel House. Note I do make a fair bit of use of...

1. A known location for a jerry can
2. Using my whole team as pack mules
3. Finding cars to load Rucksacks into, BEFORE claiming the base.

The new update has decreased item 3 quite a bit: I have learned through trial and error that waking a heart before claiming the starter house is a Bad Idea (tm).
Pre claiming Vogel
The diagram below shows the circuit I do before I claim Vogel House. But first, Ferals: I have found that with Update 33 I am running into more ferals than previously. My answer to this is in three parts:

1. Honestly if it happens as soon as you start, go straight in. They seem easier to kill with 3 newbies who are not tired even if all they have is pipes.
2. At the gun shop give your two partners whatever gun you can find, ideally a shotgun stuns a feral and that can solve a lot of problems when there are 3 of you.
3. At least one of the characters having a Blunt heavy weapon.

When there are 3 of you these 3 tactics seem to get the job done.
Also, prior to update 33 - the hearts were the hearts. I am now finding I need to be a lot more timid to avoid things like screamers or killing plague zombies waking hearts up during this part of the game.
​
https://preview.redd.it/bfv5tby9jw3b1.png?width=1138&format=png&auto=webp&s=fb711387971f17271996f6bc0e02f7651c0b1469
A: the starting makeshift camp where you can access your Command Centre, and drop off items which fit in a backpack.
1: where the car is at the start of the game. 2: by this point you should have found a petrol can. 3: a campsite where you can usually find something useful. 4: generally you will find one or two ranged weapons and maybe a workshop mod in the gun store in town. After clearing these out you will go to the makeshift camp. From the makeshift camp you return to your car. Note: the earlier you find a car then your journey might not change much but your approach to rucksacks WILL change. You want to have "all cars full" plus two of your 3 beginner characters carrying a ruck. In your car travel to 5. Here you can pick up fuel - both a jerry and a ruck - and materials. You should also be able to find one or two plague locations.
Don't hang around!
Travel to 6. Between 5 and 6 you should be looking for hearts while avoiding doing anything that will wake them up.
If you find a car, drop off the rucks you're carrying.
Go via 7 - if there is a chance, loot one or both the food locations here.
Back to the makeshift camp. Empty all backpacks. Reallocate rucks.
Head off to 8. I like to secure but not loot on the way north to 9.
9 is a checkpoint. More weapons and an ammo ruck. You might prefer to leave the ammo ruck behind because you will return to 8 where you will probably find more rucks than you can carry.
This is when I finally claim Vogul House.
Then the Materials World mission starts. Ideally by now I have found 1x heavy weapon - even a driveshaft club is good enough.
https://preview.redd.it/2o3qy490hx3b1.png?width=1060&format=png&auto=webp&s=16a8b988bd33fe43fe7a66815d1ba126592ad537
Generalyl there will be about 5 hearts in this south-west portion of the map. You need to be a bit cautious to work out which one/s you can do without waking any of the others. With each of your 3 characters - the goal is, pick up anything that isn't a material ruck from the previous step, while killing 2 hearts per character. Chances are if you are as bad as me you will get at least 50% plagued "by accident" - if this happens, head home. As soon as you can - call in an enclave. You need them for fuel, toolboxes, maybe stim items, maybe a weapon.
Don't hang around and loot if it seems dangerous: go back with the healthy character, and do it without taking risks, to manage fatigue.
By now you can think about...
the rest of the plague hearts on the west,
https://preview.redd.it/snxf3vgthx3b1.png?width=1138&format=png&auto=webp&s=6a2312787fb21f5855390cd06a09c32ce7d8dd57
you probably have 2x heros,
and you should be thinking about claiming the cell-phone tower near Vogul House to manage crowds / prevent accidental waking of plague hearts.
Those hearts on the South of the map are usually close enough to trigger a chain reaction of wakening. What you really don't want is to accidentally trigger the ones clustered in the centre of the map near the hospital up there.
From there I went and did the isolated heart in the medical centre in the middle of nowhere.
I actively used the (new to release 33) Disruptor feature of the cell-tower, as well as, relocating which cell tower I claimed all over the map, to use the (new to release 33) "land mine" feature.
I moved my other outposts periodically as well, for the same reason, and to simplify character change-over while taking out hearts.
All this was done without accessing anyone from the legacy pool, or any military recruits.
I did recruit from enclaves to disband the ones with the sucky benefits.
I did recruit from the mechanics enclave, and wound up with a champion auto-mechanic (plus someone to exile).

Let's given even small communities a bit more flavor and personality with laws, ordinances, or practices that may be unique to that community. Each one will reflect the community in some way, their values or history. Maybe these laws will be relevant to local quests, maybe they won't, maybe it will help the players remember certain locations just because of an NPC insisting upon a local law. I like to think this can make a world feel a bit more alive rather just a collection of nondescript locations on map.
Most of mine are just general types of laws, but if you want to get real specific you ideas of your own, that works too. Get creative, heck get weird with it.

1. Search upon entry; Weapons tax: Gates are at each entrance of the walled community, guards will search any unknown traveler for contraband before allowing them to enter. Travelers are allowed to keep any declared weapons for the sake of personal defense, but will pay a minor fee for entry. Any weapons considered to be excessive (Large weapons like Warhammers and tridents, anything explosive, anything that's visibly magical in nature and is suspected to be particularly dangerous) will not be allowed within the community. Such items can be stored at a local guardhouse for a minor fee for travelers to collect upon leaving the city. Anyone caught with such items inside the city, or anyone found not to have declared their weapons upon entering, face arrest, heavy fines, and possible expulsion.
   
2. Ordinance against public intoxication: Local Taverns within the community cannot sell more than two drinks to a patron (excluding locals) unless they have already booked accomadations at the tavern or at an inn (inns will offer a one day ticket to those who book as proof of accomadations). This is to prevent travellers from becoming too drunk and causing chaos in town. If a bar patron has become noticably drunk or unruly, the bouncer can drag them to their rooms to sleep it off. Anyone who manages to sidestep this system risks being arrested and dragged to the local drunk tank. Heavy fees may incur hereafter.
   
3. Ordinace for appropriate dress during religious occasions: A specified day of the week is considered the Holy Day for the community's prominent religion. Neither locals nor travelers are required to take part in religious ceremonies, but they are forbidden from wearing a specific color, style of clothing, or certain symbols on those holy days (example; Sundays are considered "Days of Life" at the local church, townsfolk are forbidden from wearing the color black or anything bearing a skull motif within the town) Locals risk arrest and fines for violation, travelers are issued warnings and will be asked to change their garb. If the traveler has no appropriate garb to wear, the local church or temple will offer them their representative garb (temple robes, etc.) in exchange for attending the day's religious ceremony.
   
4. Curious ban of an innocuous item or substance: The community has an odd history that includes a specific incident that locals warn you NOT to ask about, they only inform you that it concerns a specific item or substance. Alternatively, said items may be banned for local superstition. (example; The "Noodle Incident" led to noodle-based food being banned within the community). Other examples may include Hourglasses, Hats made from hay or grass, scrolls of paper exceeding 15ft in length, cooking pots or dishware made of pewter, a specific kind of cheese, or anything that is a specific shade of yellow.
   
5. Tax on Mages or magical items: The community has a distinct dislike or fear of magic, possibly excluding anything not tied to a local religion. An individual thought or known to be capable of casting spells or otherwize using magic must pay a hefty tax upon entering the community, and any accomadations to stay in the city will also incur a hefty tax. Individuals who have been found to have concealed their magic abilities will be arrested, possibly expelled, or even maybe executed. An exception will be made for any mage bearing an invitation or writ of permission to practice magic from a local leader.
   
6. Ban of Certain Religious practices: The Community has outright banned practice of some organized religions, their ceremonies, relics, and garb worn by those who would practice. This might include things like Demon Worship, Cults devoted to a Great Old One deity, Ritualistic Necromancy, Dangerous Witchcraft, anything that involves the slaughter or sacrifice of sentient creatures, etc.
   
7. Supremacy of a Specific religion: (#6 most likely applies in these cases as well) If the community is a zealotry, they man ban or persecute anyone or anything that conflicts with their own religion. Other laws in this community will likely be reflections of thier holy texts or traditions. These may not always be radicalist communities, but will at least arrest or expel any practicers of other religions, as well as confiscate any religious artifacts. Whether this means 'non-beleivers' will not be tolerated under any circumstances, or if open-practice of other religions is simply not allowed will depend on the community.
   
8. Tax on travelers or trade from certain locations: The community may have a prejudice towards another community, whether this is simply a local rivalry, or the result of a long-going war between their respective countries. Travelers who are known citizens of specific places may be charged a sizable entry fee upon entering the community, or they may be barred from entry outright. Tariffs may also exist on trade from these locations, which in effect raises prices significantly even on essential goods.
   
9. PORRIDGE FOR EVERYONE!: EVERYONE ENTERING THE CITY OR LIVING HERE MUST EAT THE PORRIDGE! ALL DAY! EVERY DAY! IT'S DELICIOUS! EVERYONE COME GET YOUR PORRIDGE ITS ALL YOU'LL EVER NEED! AHAHAHAHAHAH! PORRIDGE!!!!!!!!!!!
   
10. Permanent ban on Porridge: Porridge of any type has been banned within this community. Do not eat the porridge, do not bring the porridge into the community. Do not let anyone known to have eaten the porridge into the city, this includes former citizens, friends, or even family members. Do not speak about the porridge to outsiders. Don't let this ever happen again.
    

1. Imu is ShanksBeard (V1)
2. Imu is Luffy (V1)
3. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V1)
4. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V2)
5. Imu is Darth Vader
6. Imu is Biblically Accurate
7. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V1)
8. Imu is From the Long Legs Tribe
9. Imu is Luffy's mom
10. Imu is From the Long-arms-Long-Legs Tribe
11. Imu's crown is actually a crow
12. Imu is from the No-Legs tribe
13. Imu is from the Long Neck tribe
14. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V2)
15. Imu is ShanksBeard (V2)
16. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V3)
17. Imu is Vegeta
18. Imu is A bird (V1)
19. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V3)
20. Imu is A blank Sheet
21. Imu is From the Big Mouth Tribe
22. Imu's crown is actually its teeth
23. Imu is A bird (V2)
24. Imu is A good guy
25. Imu is The Stongest swordsman (V1)
26. Imu is A Demon
27. Imu is A rat
28. Imu is from the Akatsuki
29. Imu is an endless army of dopplegangers
30. Imu is Stronger than Luffy
31. Imu is Scary (V1)
32. Imu is The Strongest swordsman (V2)
33. Imu is A Fishman
34. Imu is A shadow
35. Imu is Cool asf
36. Imu is Luffy (V2)
37. Imu is A random flying guy
38. Imu is A brat
39. Imu is From the Three-eyed tribe (V1)
40. Imu is From the Long Legs Tribe
41. Imu Already read all of the One Piece Manga
42. Imu Just want a bigger hat
43. Imu Blows Islands for Breakfast
44. Imu is A dwarf
45. Imu Knows the biggest one piece secret
46. Imu is A fishmen hunter
47. Imu is from the teeth eyed tribe
48. Imu is The most OP character of OP
49. Imu's crown is actually a fork
50. Imu is The Legendary Sad Boy
51. Imu is Vearth
52. Imu is A Dandy
53. Imu is Down D. Stairs
54. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V4)
55. Imu is The Redline
56. Imu is A waifu (V2)
57. Imu is A God-like Character
58. Imu is The Sandman
59. Imu is A Psychopath
60. Imu is The Stongest swordsman (V3)
61. Imu is Facing a Dilemma
62. Imu is an Emu
63. Imu is an Emo
64. Imu is Scary (V2)
65. Imu is Afraid of Luffy
66. Imu is A waifu (V2)
67. Imu is from the Hairy Legs Tribe
68. Imu is a Kabuto
69. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V4)
70. Imu is The funniest and most relatable character
71. Imu is Lonely
72. Imu is Oda Himself
73. Imu is Umami
74. Imu Hates the sun
75. Imu is Umi, the Sea Itself
76. Imu is The moon God
77. Imu is an Alien Species (V1)
78. Imu is a crown
79. Imu is King Elizabello the First
80. Imu is Exactly like you would expect from his sillhouette
81. Imu is From the Moon (V1)
82. Imu is From the Three-eyed tribe (V2)
83. Imu ate the Blood Blood fruit
84. Imu is A random monarch
85. Imu is A cruel monarch
86. Imu is afraid of the Laughing Demon
87. Imu is all ears
88. Imu is Celebrating his birthday
89. Imu ate the win-win fruit
90. Imu is Luffy (V3)
91. Imu is a Dark Lord
92. Imu is An old monarch
93. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V5)
94. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V5)
95. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V6)
96. Imu's crown is actually its tongue
97. Imu is From the Ashtray-head tribe
98. Imu is A Candle
99. Imu's crown is actually flowers
100. Imu is an Alien Species (V2)
101. Imu is from the mouth-over-nose tribe
102. Imu is Monet (V1)
103. Imu is The Imu Guy
104. Imu is The Void Itself
105. Imu is Buggy's Father
106. Imu is Still a child
107. Imu is Inu
108. Imu means I'M U
109. Imu is The Empty Throne
110. Imu is The N-Gage
111. Imu is a (B)I(G)MU(C)
112. Imu is The One
113. Imu is A virus
114. Imu is Gaimon
115. Imu is Pandaman
116. Imu is From the No-feet tribe
117. Imu ate the Butterfly Fruit
118. Imu is Monet (V2)
119. Imu is ShanksBeard (V3)
120. Imu is Two People
121. Imu is Tonjit
122. Imu is Higuma
123. Imu is A Vegetable
124. Imu is A bodybuilder
125. Imu is I(Lon)MU(sk)
126. Imu is Having a good time
127. Imu is S(A-E)NGOKU
128. Imu is From the Moon (V2)
129. Imu is Jango
130. Imu is The Original Den-Den Mushi
131. Imu is King Kong
132. Imu is The key to all mysteries
133. Imu is G.O.A.T.
134. Imu is Smoker's sensei
135. Imu is Heisenberg
136. Imu ate the Soul-Soul Fruit
137. Imu is Shanks
138. Imu is Roger
139. Imu ate the Fruit-Fruit Fruit
140. Imu found the One Piece
141. Imu is Stelly
142. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V7)
143. Imu is Buddha
144. Imu is Eminem
145. Imu is Oda Himself (V2)
146. Imu is French
147. Imu is The dragon Egg from Roger's Ship
148. Imu is Louis XVI
149. Imu is Foxy
150. Imu is Scary (V3)
151. Imu is An alien Species (V3)
152. Imu is from the Chest-faced tribe
153. Imu is Rocks D. Xebec
154. Imu is Kidd (V1)
155. Imu is Kidd (V2)
156. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V8)
157. Imu is Shanks (V2)
158. Imu is an Atlas Beetle
159. Imu is Shanks's Brother Banks
160. Imu is a Random dude
161. Imu is Ask D. Question
162. Imummy
163. Imustachio
164. Imuchacho
165. Imowgli
166. Imushroom
167. Imuthep
168. Imusician
169. Imunga
170. Imouse-ama
171. Imusketeer
172. Imumbai
173. Imascara
174. Imu found the One Piece (V2)
175. IMUG
176. Imouth-sama
177. Imu means I'M Uzumaki-naruto
178. Imu is Angry
179. Imu is Exactly like you would expect from his sillhouette
180. Imu is Scary (V4)
181. Imu is Hypnotizing
182. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V6)
183. Imu is the moon
184. Imu is from the long-legs tribe (V2)
185. Imu is Three people
186. Imu ate the REAL gomu-gomu no mi
187. Imu is Medjed
188. Imu is a waifu
189. Imu is simple
190. Imu is Luffy's mom (V2)

1. Imu is ShanksBeard (V1)
2. Imu is Luffy (V1)
3. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V1)
4. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V2)
5. Imu is Darth Vader
6. Imu is Biblically Accurate
7. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V1)
8. Imu is From the Long Legs Tribe
9. Imu is Luffy's mom
10. Imu is From the Long-arms-Long-Legs Tribe
11. Imu's crown is actually a crow
12. Imu is from the No-Legs tribe
13. Imu is from the Long Neck tribe
14. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V2)
15. Imu is ShanksBeard (V2)
16. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V3)
17. Imu is Vegeta
18. Imu is A bird (V1)
19. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V3)
20. Imu is A blank Sheet
21. Imu is From the Big Mouth Tribe
22. Imu's crown is actually its teeth
23. Imu is A bird (V2)
24. Imu is A good guy
25. Imu is The Stongest swordsman (V1)
26. Imu is A Demon
27. Imu is A rat
28. Imu is from the Akatsuki
29. Imu is an endless army of dopplegangers
30. Imu is Stronger than Luffy
31. Imu is Scary (V1)
32. Imu is The Strongest swordsman (V2)
33. Imu is A Fishman
34. Imu is A shadow
35. Imu is Cool asf
36. Imu is Luffy (V2)
37. Imu is A random flying guy
38. Imu is A brat
39. Imu is From the Three-eyed tribe (V1)
40. Imu is From the Long Legs Tribe
41. Imu Already read all of the One Piece Manga
42. Imu Just want a bigger hat
43. Imu Blows Islands for Breakfast
44. Imu is A dwarf
45. Imu Knows the biggest one piece secret
46. Imu is A fishmen hunter
47. Imu is from the teeth eyed tribe
48. Imu is The most OP character of OP
49. Imu's crown is actually a fork
50. Imu is The Legendary Sad Boy
51. Imu is Vearth
52. Imu is A Dandy
53. Imu is Down D. Stairs
54. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V4)
55. Imu is The Redline
56. Imu is A waifu (V2)
57. Imu is A God-like Character
58. Imu is The Sandman
59. Imu is A Psychopath
60. Imu is The Stongest swordsman (V3)
61. Imu is Facing a Dilemma
62. Imu is an Emu
63. Imu is an Emo
64. Imu is Scary (V2)
65. Imu is Afraid of Luffy
66. Imu is A waifu (V2)
67. Imu is from the Hairy Legs Tribe
68. Imu is a Kabuto
69. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V4)
70. Imu is The funniest and most relatable character
71. Imu is Lonely
72. Imu is Oda Himself
73. Imu is Umami
74. Imu Hates the sun
75. Imu is Umi, the Sea Itself
76. Imu is The moon God
77. Imu is an Alien Species (V1)
78. Imu is a crown
79. Imu is King Elizabello the First
80. Imu is Exactly like you would expect from his sillhouette
81. Imu is From the Moon (V1)
82. Imu is From the Three-eyed tribe (V2)
83. Imu ate the Blood Blood fruit
84. Imu is A random monarch
85. Imu is A cruel monarch
86. Imu is afraid of the Laughing Demon
87. Imu is all ears
88. Imu is Celebrating his birthday
89. Imu ate the win-win fruit
90. Imu is Luffy (V3)
91. Imu is a Dark Lord
92. Imu is An old monarch
93. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V5)
94. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V5)
95. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V6)
96. Imu's crown is actually its tongue
97. Imu is From the Ashtray-head tribe
98. Imu is A Candle
99. Imu's crown is actually flowers
100. Imu is an Alien Species (V2)
101. Imu is from the mouth-over-nose tribe
102. Imu is Monet (V1)
103. Imu is The Imu Guy
104. Imu is The Void Itself
105. Imu is Buggy's Father
106. Imu is Still a child
107. Imu is Inu
108. Imu means I'M U
109. Imu is The Empty Throne
110. Imu is The N-Gage
111. Imu is a (B)I(G)MU(C)
112. Imu is The One
113. Imu is A virus
114. Imu is Gaimon
115. Imu is Pandaman
116. Imu is From the No-feet tribe
117. Imu ate the Butterfly Fruit
118. Imu is Monet (V2)
119. Imu is ShanksBeard (V3)
120. Imu is Two People
121. Imu is Tonjit
122. Imu is Higuma
123. Imu is A Vegetable
124. Imu is A bodybuilder
125. Imu is I(Lon)MU(sk)
126. Imu is Having a good time
127. Imu is S(A-E)NGOKU
128. Imu is From the Moon (V2)
129. Imu is Jango
130. Imu is The Original Den-Den Mushi
131. Imu is King Kong
132. Imu is The key to all mysteries
133. Imu is G.O.A.T.
134. Imu is Smoker's sensei
135. Imu is Heisenberg
136. Imu ate the Soul-Soul Fruit
137. Imu is Shanks
138. Imu is Roger
139. Imu ate the Fruit-Fruit Fruit
140. Imu found the One Piece
141. Imu is Stelly
142. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V7)
143. Imu is Buddha
144. Imu is Eminem
145. Imu is Oda Himself (V2)
146. Imu is French
147. Imu is The dragon Egg from Roger's Ship
148. Imu is Louis XVI
149. Imu is Foxy
150. Imu is Scary (V3)
151. Imu is An alien Species (V3)
152. Imu is from the Chest-faced tribe
153. Imu is Rocks D. Xebec
154. Imu is Kidd (V1)
155. Imu is Kidd (V2)
156. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V8)
157. Imu is Shanks (V2)
158. Imu is an Atlas Beetle
159. Imu is Shanks's Brother Banks
160. Imu is a Random dude
161. Imu is Ask D. Question
162. Imummy
163. Imustachio
164. Imuchacho
165. Imowgli
166. Imushroom
167. Imuthep
168. Imusician
169. Imunga
170. Imouse-ama
171. Imusketeer
172. Imumbai
173. Imascara
174. Imu found the One Piece (V2)
175. IMUG
176. Imouth-sama
177. Imu means I'M Uzumaki-naruto
178. Imu is Angry
179. Imu is Exactly like you would expect from his sillhouette
180. Imu is Scary (V4)
181. Imu is Hypnotizing
182. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V6)
183. Imu is the moon
184. Imu is from the long-legs tribe (V2)
185. Imu is Three people
186. Imu ate the REAL gomu-gomu no mi
187. Imu is Medjed
188. Imu is a waifu
189. Imu is simple
190. Imu is Luffy's mom (V2)

1. Imu is ShanksBeard (V1)
2. Imu is Luffy (V1)
3. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V1)
4. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V2)
5. Imu is Darth Vader
6. Imu is Biblically Accurate
7. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V1)
8. Imu is From the Long Legs Tribe
9. Imu is Luffy's mom
10. Imu is From the Long-arms-Long-Legs Tribe
11. Imu's crown is actually a crow
12. Imu is from the No-Legs tribe
13. Imu is from the Long Neck tribe
14. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V2)
15. Imu is ShanksBeard (V2)
16. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V3)
17. Imu is Vegeta
18. Imu is A bird (V1)
19. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V3)
20. Imu is A blank Sheet
21. Imu is From the Big Mouth Tribe
22. Imu's crown is actually its teeth
23. Imu is A bird (V2)
24. Imu is A good guy
25. Imu is The Stongest swordsman (V1)
26. Imu is A Demon
27. Imu is A rat
28. Imu is from the Akatsuki
29. Imu is an endless army of dopplegangers
30. Imu is Stronger than Luffy
31. Imu is Scary (V1)
32. Imu is The Strongest swordsman (V2)
33. Imu is A Fishman
34. Imu is A shadow
35. Imu is Cool asf
36. Imu is Luffy (V2)
37. Imu is A random flying guy
38. Imu is A brat
39. Imu is From the Three-eyed tribe (V1)
40. Imu is From the Long Legs Tribe
41. Imu Already read all of the One Piece Manga
42. Imu Just want a bigger hat
43. Imu Blows Islands for Breakfast
44. Imu is A dwarf
45. Imu Knows the biggest one piece secret
46. Imu is A fishmen hunter
47. Imu is from the teeth eyed tribe
48. Imu is The most OP character of OP
49. Imu's crown is actually a fork
50. Imu is The Legendary Sad Boy
51. Imu is Vearth
52. Imu is A Dandy
53. Imu is Down D. Stairs
54. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V4)
55. Imu is The Redline
56. Imu is A waifu (V2)
57. Imu is A God-like Character
58. Imu is The Sandman
59. Imu is A Psychopath
60. Imu is The Stongest swordsman (V3)
61. Imu is Facing a Dilemma
62. Imu is an Emu
63. Imu is an Emo
64. Imu is Scary (V2)
65. Imu is Afraid of Luffy
66. Imu is A waifu (V2)
67. Imu is from the Hairy Legs Tribe
68. Imu is a Kabuto
69. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V4)
70. Imu is The funniest and most relatable character
71. Imu is Lonely
72. Imu is Oda Himself
73. Imu is Umami
74. Imu Hates the sun
75. Imu is Umi, the Sea Itself
76. Imu is The moon God
77. Imu is an Alien Species (V1)
78. Imu is a crown
79. Imu is King Elizabello the First
80. Imu is Exactly like you would expect from his sillhouette
81. Imu is From the Moon (V1)
82. Imu is From the Three-eyed tribe (V2)
83. Imu ate the Blood Blood fruit
84. Imu is A random monarch
85. Imu is A cruel monarch
86. Imu is afraid of the Laughing Demon
87. Imu is all ears
88. Imu is Celebrating his birthday
89. Imu ate the win-win fruit
90. Imu is Luffy (V3)
91. Imu is a Dark Lord
92. Imu is An old monarch
93. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V5)
94. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V5)
95. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V6)
96. Imu's crown is actually its tongue
97. Imu is From the Ashtray-head tribe
98. Imu is A Candle
99. Imu's crown is actually flowers
100. Imu is an Alien Species (V2)
101. Imu is from the mouth-over-nose tribe
102. Imu is Monet (V1)
103. Imu is The Imu Guy
104. Imu is The Void Itself
105. Imu is Buggy's Father
106. Imu is Still a child
107. Imu is Inu
108. Imu means I'M U
109. Imu is The Empty Throne
110. Imu is The N-Gage
111. Imu is a (B)I(G)MU(C)
112. Imu is The One
113. Imu is A virus
114. Imu is Gaimon
115. Imu is Pandaman
116. Imu is From the No-feet tribe
117. Imu ate the Butterfly Fruit
118. Imu is Monet (V2)
119. Imu is ShanksBeard (V3)
120. Imu is Two People
121. Imu is Tonjit
122. Imu is Higuma
123. Imu is A Vegetable
124. Imu is A bodybuilder
125. Imu is I(Lon)MU(sk)
126. Imu is Having a good time
127. Imu is S(A-E)NGOKU
128. Imu is From the Moon (V2)
129. Imu is Jango
130. Imu is The Original Den-Den Mushi
131. Imu is King Kong
132. Imu is The key to all mysteries
133. Imu is G.O.A.T.
134. Imu is Smoker's sensei
135. Imu is Heisenberg
136. Imu ate the Soul-Soul Fruit
137. Imu is Shanks
138. Imu is Roger
139. Imu ate the Fruit-Fruit Fruit
140. Imu found the One Piece
141. Imu is Stelly
142. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V7)
143. Imu is Buddha
144. Imu is Eminem
145. Imu is Oda Himself (V2)
146. Imu is French
147. Imu is The dragon Egg from Roger's Ship
148. Imu is Louis XVI
149. Imu is Foxy
150. Imu is Scary (V3)
151. Imu is An alien Species (V3)
152. Imu is from the Chest-faced tribe
153. Imu is Rocks D. Xebec
154. Imu is Kidd (V1)
155. Imu is Kidd (V2)
156. Imu is Incredibly Ugly (V8)
157. Imu is Shanks (V2)
158. Imu is an Atlas Beetle
159. Imu is Shanks's Brother Banks
160. Imu is a Random dude
161. Imu is Ask D. Question
162. Imummy
163. Imustachio
164. Imuchacho
165. Imowgli
166. Imushroom
167. Imuthep
168. Imusician
169. Imunga
170. Imouse-ama
171. Imusketeer
172. Imumbai
173. Imascara
174. Imu found the One Piece (V2)
175. IMUG
176. Imouth-sama
177. Imu means I'M Uzumaki-naruto
178. Imu is Angry
179. Imu is Exactly like you would expect from his sillhouette
180. Imu is Scary (V4)
181. Imu is Hypnotizing
182. Imu is The most disappointing thing you'll ever see (V6)
183. Imu is the moon
184. Imu is from the long-legs tribe (V2)
185. Imu is Three people
186. Imu ate the REAL gomu-gomu no mi
187. Imu is Medjed
188. Imu is a waifu
189. Imu is simple
190. Imu is Luffy's mom (V2)

You know, was always upset that Christina Yang and Meredith Grey had each other as their person, but not me.
Hey there, my name is Wesley, 29 year old turning 30 in August. I recently got out of a 2 year relationship that had been loveless for a while, and realized I just wasn't with someone that was ultimately right for me. I'm ready to try and find someone that could be the one, but limiting myself to just my state...let alone country...seems a tad silly. So to be honest, I'm open to anyone anywhere, and have recently realized I DO like women just as much as men. I know it's a long shot finding a cis woman or man who also loves people like me, but I figure there has to be some out there. Reddit is full of them, after all.
The obvious elephant in the room is that I'm a trans man. I own my own house, so either you'd have to be willing to move to me, or for some crazy reason, I'm willing to start over for you, I'd be going to you. With that said, after reading all of what I bring to the table in terms of hobbies, values, and what I want, look at where you reside if the latter could appeal to you. If you live in a red state, I'm not interested. If you live in a country that is transphobic, I'm not interested. I am more than willing to move to another area of the country...even another area of the world (would even be ideal, I want the FUCK out of the USA!)...but not to one that wants me unalive. I am quite privileged that I do pass and am 100% stealth based on my height and how I look AND that me being trans is quite possibly the least interesting and important thing to me, but my health care matters. I, as a person, have the right to exist. The media likes to spin that we all are psychotic, mentally ill weirdos but I often forget about my gender. I have shit to do and it doesn't matter much to me.That being said, let's move on to me outside of that. Things in bold are NON NEGOTIABLE.
- First and foremost, I'm a hopeless romantic. My partner is a priority to me, as long as they can compromise. If you feel passionate and love easily, that's key. I want marriage one day in the far future but also want to be child free. I am monogamous & not willing to do an open relationship either. - I'm a fiercely responsible and rather independent person. I clean after myself, schedule things that need to be done, and many of my friends can attest that I am one of the hardest workers they know. You have to be able to cook, clean, and look after yourself. But also, have a job or be in school to further a career. I do not enjoy having a bum as a partner who sits home and smokes all day or plays video games all day and doesn't contribute to the partnership. - Humor is so important. I can't fucking stand people who don't know how to carry a conversation. I often write paragraphs, and if you give me one word responses, see you later! I MEAN IT! BE A TALKER! Some of my best friends are multiple texters and paragraph senders.
- I love to cook, and can to a near professional culinary level. Culinary school wasn't for me, but I still have a profound love of food that spans many different cultures, especially Mediterranean, Baltic, southeast and eastern Asian cuisines. - I love your standard fare hobbies: video games, anime, horror movies, hiking. But I have an immense yearn for travel (if not just for the food alone.), love to knit, love to thrift and antique hunt. I love taxidermy and collect it. I love medicine (as I work in healthcare). The goth/witchy/dark academia aesthetic is one I follow probably the closest. - I love a guy that is taller than me (I'm 5'10"), hairy, and I do love a bear. I love women who are shorter than me. Tattoos and piercings are sexy to me, as I have many. Would be nice to find anyone that's older than me. Hard stop under anyone age 25. - Sorry, you gotta like cats, I'm a cat person and I have one one. I don't hate dogs but I would not be opposed to never owning one ever again. - Rapid fire other factoids: Pescatarian, left wing, jewish (emphasis on the 'ish' LOL), hard of hearing in one ear, born Florida man (I'm so sorry.)
Feel free to send me a chat/message here and maybe we can move to discord! DO NOT GHOST! IT'S SO INCREDIBLY RUDE. JUST MESSAGE ME IF YOU WANT TO STOP SO I CAN MOVE ON. Hope to hear from y'all!
Pictures of me:
Full body Face, with more hair.